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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Marguerite Offline
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How to deal with an extremely clingy person? - January 6th 2011, 08:49 AM

I met this girl at school. She was a bit irritating, but harmless, even though she has made several racist and homophobic comments which really rubbed me the wrong way. She also makes up a lot of stories about fights and different guys. She was nice to me, and seemed like the kind of person who didn't have many friends, so I didn't mind eating lunch with her every now and then.

Anyway, something happened a few weeks before the school holidays. She got incredibly needy. She would wait outside my class every single day, then invite herself up to my house for hours. Now the holidays have started and she comes up unnanounced all the time. I jump every time the door gets knocked.Something happened, and suddenly she starts telling me how I'm her 'best friend forever'. Not to sound like a horrible person,
but I've never even really considered her a friend.

Recently she invited my up to her house, and I honestly just can't do it. But how do I tell her I don't want to spend my whole life with her? I thought I could just say I was sick or busy here and there, but I can't because she's so emotionally attached to me. I feel like I've suddenly got a wife I never asked for.

If someone told me (even if it was in the nicest way possible) that they needed some time to themselves and that maybe I should stop coming around so much, I would be absolutely crushed. Especially if I considered this person to be my closest friend. And if I had told my mum all about this person, and that they'd be coming around for a 'sleep over' and then they didn't want to come, I would be absolutely humiliated.

How the hell do I get her to back off without absolutely crushing and humiliating her?


To love. To be loved. To never forget your own insignificance. To never get used to the unspeakable violence and the vulgar disparity of life around you. To seek joy in the saddest places. To pursue beauty to its lair. To never simplify what is complicated or complicate what is simple. To respect strength, never power. Above all, to watch. To try and understand. To never look away. And never, never, to forget

~Arundhati Roy
   
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Re: How to deal with an extremely clingy person? - January 6th 2011, 04:20 PM

Unfortunately, no matter what you say or do, you're probably going to hurt this girl's feelings to a certain degree. That's what happens when someone with a "co-dependent" personality becomes attached to you.

When I was in your situation, I explained that I had other friends and commitments, and couldn't spend all my time with her. Of course, she didn't understand right away, and still called/texted me constantly. For a while, I had to ignore her, and when she asked why, I told her it was because I was with someone else or doing something else. It hurt her feelings, but after a while, she got the picture and stopped calling/texting all the time. Once it got to that point, I felt it was safe to set up specific times and dates to meet with her. I had to make it clear that I couldn't meet for longer, or meet without planning ahead, due to my other friends and commitments.

Your situation is a bit different, because this girl is actually coming to your house unannounced, versus just calling/texting. If I were you, I'd talk to the other members of your household and explain the situation. Tell them that, unless you say otherwise, this girl is NOT welcomed in your home. If she shows up, ask someone to explain that you're busy and can't hang out, or answer the door yourself and say you can't hang out. Stand in the doorway, so she can't wiggle her way in. Again, this is probably going to hurt her feelings, but after she tries this several times (and never gets what she wants, which is to hang out with your unannounced), she'll probably give up.





   
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Re: How to deal with an extremely clingy person? - January 7th 2011, 03:05 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by PSY View Post
Unfortunately, no matter what you say or do, you're probably going to hurt this girl's feelings to a certain degree. That's what happens when someone with a "co-dependent" personality becomes attached to you.


When I was in your situation, I explained that I had other friends and commitments, and couldn't spend all my time with her. Of course, she didn't understand right away, and still called/texted me constantly. For a while, I had to ignore her, and when she asked why, I told her it was because I was with someone else or doing something else. It hurt her feelings, but after a while, she got the picture and stopped calling/texting all the time. Once it got to that point, I felt it was safe to set up specific times and dates to meet with her. I had to make it clear that I couldn't meet for longer, or meet without planning ahead, due to my other friends and commitments.

Your situation is a bit different, because this girl is actually coming to your house unannounced, versus just calling/texting. If I were you, I'd talk to the other members of your household and explain the situation. Tell them that, unless you say otherwise, this girl is NOT welcomed in your home. If she shows up, ask someone to explain that you're busy and can't hang out, or answer the door yourself and say you can't hang out. Stand in the doorway, so she can't wiggle her way in. Again, this is probably going to hurt her feelings, but after she tries this several times (and never gets what she wants, which is to hang out with your unannounced), she'll probably give up.
Thanks for the advice, I really appreciate it.

It's just me and my mum at home, and I have asked her to say I'm out when she comes around (and she's done it before). Also, if I'm home alone, I don't answer the door because I can tell if it's her at the door.

How can I tell? Well, that's actually part of the problem. She doesn't just knock, wait and leave. If I don't answer after the first time she knocked, she just starts banging and yelling my name. Then she will go around to the back door and repeat. Then to my bedroom window. This will go on for a good 15 minutes.

During school she would do this early in the morning, waking me and my mum up. My mum was always nice about it so I can't really use her as an excuse. I asked her not to come around early, but it's like she only hears what she wants.

I asked her not to come around unnanounced, but I phrased it in a nice way. I said, 'if you are planning on coming around, please call first. I don't want you walking all the way up here for nothing if I'm not here'. I didn't change anything, she still comes up.

I know I'm part of the problem which makes it even harder. I've had her stay at my house the night and have gone to town and the movies with her. I hate it every time, but when she asks me point blank, I feel like I have no option to say no without hurting her feelings. If I say I can't, I'm busy, she just suggests we go the next day.

*sigh* I'm starting to realise that my plans are failing miserably and I can't go on just trying to avoid her because she clearly isn't getting the message. I'll probably try and end up doing what you suggested, but I have no idea how.


To love. To be loved. To never forget your own insignificance. To never get used to the unspeakable violence and the vulgar disparity of life around you. To seek joy in the saddest places. To pursue beauty to its lair. To never simplify what is complicated or complicate what is simple. To respect strength, never power. Above all, to watch. To try and understand. To never look away. And never, never, to forget

~Arundhati Roy
   
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Re: How to deal with an extremely clingy person? - January 10th 2011, 06:25 AM

Oh God this sound exactly like a situation I had this really annoying girl I meet at a get together. At first it was ok we went for a couple of cafés together and to events but after a while it got old and I couldn’t get her to stop calling and coming to my house. She would call me to tell me she was waiting outside and it would really piss me off because I had plans and I had to modify them or cancel them. What I ended up doing is every time she came to my house I wouldn’t let her go any farther than the living room not to the tv room or my room just there in the living room and I didn’t let her do anything, so she would get bored and leave. I would slowly stop interacting in the conversations I would limit myself to a yes or no answers, not in a mean way in a polite way. Slowly she got the picture and stopped coming to my house and calling me. You can do that too in a polite manner you don’t have to be mean about it but just don’t interact a lot in the conversation and when she comes to your house limit her access so she doesn’t get comfortable, she will eventually get the point.
Good Luck.!


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Re: How to deal with an extremely clingy person? - January 10th 2011, 11:03 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by México View Post
Oh God this sound exactly like a situation I had this really annoying girl I meet at a get together. At first it was ok we went for a couple of cafés together and to events but after a while it got old and I couldn’t get her to stop calling and coming to my house. She would call me to tell me she was waiting outside and it would really piss me off because I had plans and I had to modify them or cancel them. What I ended up doing is every time she came to my house I wouldn’t let her go any farther than the living room not to the tv room or my room just there in the living room and I didn’t let her do anything, so she would get bored and leave. I would slowly stop interacting in the conversations I would limit myself to a yes or no answers, not in a mean way in a polite way. Slowly she got the picture and stopped coming to my house and calling me. You can do that too in a polite manner you don’t have to be mean about it but just don’t interact a lot in the conversation and when she comes to your house limit her access so she doesn’t get comfortable, she will eventually get the point.
Good Luck.!
Thanks, I'll try that. The house thing won't really work though because I live in a unit and as soon as you walk in, you're in the lounge room. Which is where she usally stays anyway.

The talking thing I'll definitely try though. I remember a few weeks ago she was telling me how she was purposefully ignoring someone in a conversation because he was 'so annoying' and 'followed her everywhere'. I said that was rude, and that he didn't seem that bad... she just said, 'yeah, but you don't know what it's like when someone annoying won't leave you alone!'

I nearly choked.

Good advice though. Thank you!


To love. To be loved. To never forget your own insignificance. To never get used to the unspeakable violence and the vulgar disparity of life around you. To seek joy in the saddest places. To pursue beauty to its lair. To never simplify what is complicated or complicate what is simple. To respect strength, never power. Above all, to watch. To try and understand. To never look away. And never, never, to forget

~Arundhati Roy
   
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