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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Racist friend - January 14th 2011, 06:54 AM

Alright. So far in college (it's my first year) I've made one really close friend. So far, he's seemed like just a completely awesome guy, funny, easy to talk to, and all that jazz. He's even a member of the GSA. However, this semester we're taking a class on racism and sexism together and Oh. My. Goodness. At first I thought he was just joking around, but he's just said some stuff that really bothers me. Like, really, really bothers me. This is the type of stuff I'd curse out my batty, racist grandmother for saying. And trust me, I've definitely let him know I am NOT comfortable hearing this stuff, but he doesn't seem to care. I don't want to lose a friend, but how am I supposed to be friends with someone so . . . Offensive?


and if you should hear the cries and calls
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it's just the sound of me getting over you
   
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Re: Racist friend - January 14th 2011, 09:29 AM

You've known him about 5 months?? Maybe 6. That's not really enough most times to make a good friend and know him well. I'm a bit crazed when it comes to racism, so my opinion will always be biased.... but since you said he doesn't seem to care what you think of him being racist, it kinda sounds like he's been exposed to people dissaproving of his racism before, is used to it, and really doesn't give a shit. It almost sounds to me a bit "fanatic"ish, he prizes his beliefs in racism over your friendship. Just my thoughts.


"I don't care about politics"
Then politics doesn't care about you either. Truth. You've got to make your voice heard, if you want to be listened to. But that's too logical for some people, so let me go a step further. Not making your voice heard, leaves other people free to hijack it by speaking on your behalf, even if they don't actually give a shit about you. That's politics. So, make your voice heard. That's not a quote from anywhere. That's just me.


   
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Re: Racist friend - January 15th 2011, 02:05 AM

Well, if this guy is a good friend then you have to make a choice. The right thing is not to support hate/racism. You have to make a choice, either continue being his friend but let him know you aren't in line with it and he needs to begin to stop this act and should work on being a good guy but if he doesn't want to stop then you might have to leave this guy as a friend.


I came here to help out, so if you wanna talk or just need someone to bounce ideas or issues off of or something else then send me a message and I will reply as soon as I can.
   
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Re: Racist friend - January 15th 2011, 02:15 AM

I should probably mention that both of us are part of the same cohort, so we'll be in the same classes for the next four years, as well as travelling abroad together. It would be really awkward and inconvenient to "unfriend" him. I'm hoping this class may help him chill a little.


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Re: Racist friend - January 15th 2011, 03:02 AM

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Originally Posted by Anonymity View Post
I should probably mention that both of us are part of the same cohort, so we'll be in the same classes for the next four years, as well as travelling abroad together. It would be really awkward and inconvenient to "unfriend" him. I'm hoping this class may help him chill a little.
You are very correct, it will be awkward. But you don't have to unfriend him completely, you can keep him as an acquaintance, as someone you know but don't hang out with. Or better yet you can ask him why he is like this ?? Knowing the cause will help us out !!


I came here to help out, so if you wanna talk or just need someone to bounce ideas or issues off of or something else then send me a message and I will reply as soon as I can.
   
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Re: Racist friend - January 15th 2011, 09:37 AM

There's a chance how he was raised favoured racism if the parents favoured it. I'll admit, I'm somewhat racist however, it's not something I make known, often because conversations of that group aren't brought up. However, my father is racist to damn near every group and I know some of it rubbed off on me. So getting your friend to change his behaviours may not be simple as it could be very well ingrained in him and he probably has reasons, logical or illogical, to support his dislike of those race(s). If you tell him to not be racist, that's probably not going to work as you haven't challenged why he supports his racist views. Of course if you're very sensitive, challenging his views means he makes them known.

But, if he's a good friend other than being racist, so what? There's no need to break the relationship over one thing because you'll find many friends who do something you don't like, nobody is going to completely please you. As much as his racist views bother you, if you nag him, that may bother him, so just let it go. If he begins using many racist words at once, then maybe remind him you don't care for that behaviour but otherwise, let it go, focus on other qualities of him that you do like. One of my friends throughout some of high-school and universities is racist as hell to [edited], he's got his face nearly dented in several times as a result of it. That's not the group I dislike so I don't care for his racist views, however, I let them slide by because the rest of our friendship outweighs that.


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Last edited by PSY; January 16th 2011 at 08:06 PM. Reason: Removed specific race(s) to avoid triggering other members.
   
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Re: Racist friend - January 15th 2011, 11:27 AM

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You've known him about 5 months?? Maybe 6. That's not really enough most times to make a good friend and know him well.
I wouldn't say that. I met a friend that moved to this school 2 summers ago the first day of school, and I was instantly one of his best friends. Literally the minute I first talked to him we both loved each other, I knew him pretty well within a month. I knew almost everything there was to know about him after 2 months.
   
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Re: Racist friend - January 15th 2011, 12:41 PM

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I wouldn't say that. I met a friend that moved to this school 2 summers ago the first day of school, and I was instantly one of his best friends. Literally the minute I first talked to him we both loved each other, I knew him pretty well within a month. I knew almost everything there was to know about him after 2 months.
Ye, I've had one or two encounters like that. But almost everyone has their "secrets" that they are unlikely to reveal for a long while untill they know you well enough, and vice versa. So it's a stagnant situation that slowly moves on over time in friendships. I can't think of how else to explain it.

In this case, the "secret" is the racism thing. Ok... he's not exaclty being secretive about it, at least not anymore. Perhaps he's got enough trust and assumes he'll just be accepted for it? But it took 6 months for this "secret" to reveal itself, now he's quite open about it.


"I don't care about politics"
Then politics doesn't care about you either. Truth. You've got to make your voice heard, if you want to be listened to. But that's too logical for some people, so let me go a step further. Not making your voice heard, leaves other people free to hijack it by speaking on your behalf, even if they don't actually give a shit about you. That's politics. So, make your voice heard. That's not a quote from anywhere. That's just me.


   
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Re: Racist friend - January 15th 2011, 01:11 PM

I've had this exact problem in the past so I know what you feel like This girl in high school I was friends to was INCREDIBLY racist and made jokes about [edited] and [edited] people all the time :/

What I can advice you to do is at least try and talk some sense into him. Try and educate him a bit more. I never really "hated" that part of my friend, I blamed her parents as they were racist and must have taught her the same twisted views. Maybe it's the same with him, maybe his parents are like this and that's why he's racist?

If you can't talk sense into him then just ask him not to say anything racist in front of you as it upsets you. That's what I done with my friend anyway. Hope this helps.


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Last edited by PSY; January 16th 2011 at 08:07 PM. Reason: Removed specific race(s) to avoid triggering other members.
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Re: Racist friend - January 16th 2011, 03:45 AM

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There's a chance how he was raised favoured racism if the parents favoured it.
He was raised in a racist environment, and he says he's come a long way [edited] but he'll still make horrid remarks about [edited] and [edited]. He went so far as to say "[edited] aren't people" and he'll very blatantly say he hates anyone from [edited] or [edited] (which is doubly troublesome, since he knows the guy I'm with is [edited].) I'm really hoping this class will open his eyes, ESPECIALLY since he's looking to become a teacher, but how do I put up with it until then?


and if you should hear the cries and calls
through the thinnest of the walls
don't you get yourself so blue
it's just the sound of me getting over you

Last edited by PSY; January 16th 2011 at 08:08 PM. Reason: Removed specific race(s) to avoid triggering other members.
   
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Re: Racist friend - January 16th 2011, 08:24 PM

Hello, everyone! =) I realize these descriptions are not hateful (per the Code of Conduct); however, I have aired on the side of caution and removed the names of specific races and ethnicities, to avoid triggering other members.





   
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Re: Racist friend - January 16th 2011, 09:04 PM

Well, I think the fact that it has to be editted speaks for itself. He says some really awful stuff.


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Re: Racist friend - January 16th 2011, 09:24 PM

I can definitely empathize with you, Anonymous. =/ My grandparents are racist against certain groups, and they don't like the idea of interracial dating/marriages in general.

I think I have to agree with Jacksonian's idea. You can stay on decent terms with this person (so things aren't too awkward when you have to be together in class/on trips abroad), but you can slowly stop hanging out with this person outside of class. You don't necessarily have to say it's due to his racist beliefs... that way, it'll just seem like the two of you drifted apart for no reason in particular. If he starts to change his racist mentality due to this class, however, you can always start hanging out again! =)





   
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Re: Racist friend - January 17th 2011, 07:31 AM

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He was raised in a racist environment, and he says he's come a long way [edited] but he'll still make horrid remarks about [edited] and [edited]. He went so far as to say "[edited] aren't people" and he'll very blatantly say he hates anyone from [edited] or [edited] (which is doubly troublesome, since he knows the guy I'm with is [edited].) I'm really hoping this class will open his eyes, ESPECIALLY since he's looking to become a teacher, but how do I put up with it until then?
Have you asked him how he plans to be a teacher with his racist attitude, as he will not last long if he voices his views to the students, teachers, staff or parents. If you want him to change and if he wants to, there has to be motivation to do so. It would be romantic if he changed for you, I personally wouldn't change my ways for a romantic someone, although if he doesn't then don't be shocked. However if you give him motivation, then he has a reason to change as opposed to just telling him to change because you don't care for it and neither do others. The fact he continued to use the racist words before you were with him shows asking him to change for you or someone else probably won't work. He may just act differently when he's around you to please you.


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Re: Racist friend - January 18th 2011, 04:28 AM

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Have you asked him how he plans to be a teacher with his racist attitude, as he will not last long if he voices his views to the students, teachers, staff or parents. If you want him to change and if he wants to, there has to be motivation to do so. It would be romantic if he changed for you, I personally wouldn't change my ways for a romantic someone, although if he doesn't then don't be shocked. However if you give him motivation, then he has a reason to change as opposed to just telling him to change because you don't care for it and neither do others. The fact he continued to use the racist words before you were with him shows asking him to change for you or someone else probably won't work. He may just act differently when he's around you to please you.
Just to clear this up, we are just friends. Nothing romantic between us. Purely platonic.

And I have asked him, on several occasions, how he plans to teach with these views. His response was that he wants to teach in a predominantly white area. I've given to speaking to and hanging out with him less, claiming that the guy I'm with isn't comfortable with the two of us spending so much time together. I'll give him until the end of this class to become a bit more tolerant (and tolerable), and if not, he'll just have to be demoted to awkward acquaintance. Conclusion reached. Thank you everyone.


and if you should hear the cries and calls
through the thinnest of the walls
don't you get yourself so blue
it's just the sound of me getting over you
   
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Re: Racist friend - January 18th 2011, 06:31 PM

Maybe I missed this, but why does he hate these people ?? Has he told you ??


I came here to help out, so if you wanna talk or just need someone to bounce ideas or issues off of or something else then send me a message and I will reply as soon as I can.
   
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