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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Wanna Forgive Him - January 29th 2011, 04:07 AM

Alright, I hope this is in the right thing. xD

Since I was little my dad's been kinda.. harsh. He would yell a lot before and threaten to hurt us and get mad and yell for stupid things. It died down after a while, but I still hold that against him. I also hold the little things that hurt my feelings (such as one day when I'd just spent 1 1/2 hours cleaning the kitchen and then he yelled at me for being lazy and not being useful around the house) against him still. Occassionally he'll still say something to make me irritated at him (such as calling me an idiot tonight and saying I had no faith in religion when we were talking about getting songs stuck in our heads). I also still get ticked off whenever I think of how much he used to (he sometimes still does) insult my sister right in front of me. (It feels like he's also attacking me because I'm more like the sister he insults than the other one) I know for a fact that this is getting in the way of me having a relationship with him, and I want to change that. Any advice?
   
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Re: Wanna Forgive Him - January 29th 2011, 06:41 PM

I'm sorry to hear about your relationship with your father, Katie. In my opinion, though, the only thing you can do is encourage HIM to change. When someone holds so much anger in their heart, we shouldn't expect everyone else to change. You can try to shower your father with extra love and extra attention, and maybe he'll realize how wrong he's been to treat you this way... but he could also take advantage of that love and attention, treating you even worse as a result. Basically, until your father changes the way he behaves toward you, it'll be very difficult to have a decent relationship with him.





   
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Re: Wanna Forgive Him - January 29th 2011, 08:12 PM

Like Robin said, the only way you can truly get a relationship with him is if he changes. You could have a sit down with him while he's in a better mood with him and try and tell him how you feel.



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Re: Wanna Forgive Him - January 29th 2011, 11:48 PM


Hi, when he mistreats you or other members of your family, does anyone stop him or calmly ask him why he's behaving the way he is? Sometimes the simplest way to show someone how unreasonable they're being is to shame them. Yep, shame them. When he's having a rant, keep quiet; afterwards ask him "why are you being so hurtful? You're my Dad; I'm supposed to learn from you, is this what you want to teach me?" Depending on how he feels at that precise moment he may or may not continue ranting and then walk off but what you said will stick in his mind.

Also you mentioned religion so perhaps there could be some cultural issues with his treatment of you? Perhaps his parents raised him the same way and he sees it as the norm?

If you can't speak to him directly, perhaps you could have someone else speak to him on your behalf? You clearly love him and the kitchen incident probably annoyed you so much because you were looking for his approval or just some kind words where he'd appreciate you and your work.
You don't want to grow up with this bubbling under the surface; it'll just eat away at you. Try and tackle the issue, if it gets resolved, wonderful, if it doesn't, life's too short and you deserve to be happy and positive. Keep trying and see if you can get through to him.


"The healthy man does not torture others. Generally, it is the tortured who turn into torturers" - Carl Jung.
   
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