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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Kumagoro Offline
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Could you make any less of an effort...? - February 6th 2011, 04:10 PM

I know it's all too easy for friends to drift apart over time. With the exception of my four best friends and my pen pal, I don't think my other friends and I have spoken for several months now. It's difficult to meet up because I'm at college five days a week, and I'm not comfortable with driving or using public transport to the bigger cities where they live.

It's really awkward trying to make conversation on MSN and Facebook. It's just "Hi, how are you, wuu2?" and if I ask them anything else they're really unresponsive. They don't seem to be making an effort to keep the conversation alive, or to show an interest in what I've been up to.

I'm getting really fed up with this. It's partly my fault for not having the time to talk to them, but when I do make an effort to get in touch, they just don't seem bothered. It's frustrating because I don't want to lose my friends; part of me even wonders if I'm just too boring for them to put up with.

I don't want to leave these friendships to wilt and die, but I feel there's not much I can do. I'm leaving for uni next year so I'll have even less opportunity to meet up with them. What should I do...?

Edit: Fictional and Rosary, you're included in the four best friends who have been lovely to me, and this rant doesn't refer to either of you.




   
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Re: Could you make any less of an effort...? - February 6th 2011, 10:45 PM

Ah, I'm almost in the same boat as you...except I left school and that's why I'm having a hard time keeping in touch with my friends.
In some ways I guess it's awkward, because they don't know what to say seeing as they never see you or anything. It's like when a friend moves and it's just different and not the same. It should be, but it's not. Distance changes a friendship and so does time. Unfortunately, some friendships can't be resusicated. You've just got to accept that--especially because you aren't comfortable with going to visit them using the available transport methods. Keeping in touch over Facebook or texts usually isn't enough to keep a friendship alive. Face-to-face contact is right next to essential. I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but if you really want to keep these people as friends you're probably going to have to make the effort to see them. If you don't want to make the effort, they aren't going to want to either.
   
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Hiraeth Offline
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Re: Could you make any less of an effort...? - February 6th 2011, 11:27 PM

Let things be; let them go.

Not something most people like to hear, but it is only the natural rhythm of nature - people come in and out of our lives. The only constant is change.

There are only six people that I would seriously call 'friends'. Only two live close enough for face-to-face interaction. The other four I have known more or less since elementary school - that's a very long time - and thus distance is not a barrier to meaningful interaction.

Why do most people drift off while only a select few still remain relevant in the long term, and what determines who will take which path? I'm not sure it really matters. Those who drift off were meant to - they have their new lives to live, and so do you. Your respective presences in one another's lives was significant during one point in time - and as with changing dynamics, it may no longer be the case now, so there is not yet any need to maintain the same degree of intimacy as before. Sometimes it may not be apparent - but it always does make sense at some point.

When your efforts at preventing the drift, which is only natural, is met with frustration and lack of success, perhaps that is a sign that it is better to let things be. You've made an effort, and you've done the best you can, what more can you do? We cannot change others' thoughts and actions - and therefore, your frustrations and disappointment only hurts yourself.

You are not too boring. You are not a bad person, or a bad friend, in any way. Incompatibility may be part of the reason why the drift is occurring, but not always. Funny thing is, only one of the six I mentioned above is even anything close to 'similar' to me - everyone else are all some variant of the exact opposite. There doesn't seem to any sort of pattern - any one phenomena is the culmination of countless arrays of causes. It's not your fault. It's not their fault. It's just life happening.

And life will go on. You will meet new people, encounter new things, just like everyone else. And all whom has crossed paths with you at some point, have a place inside of you - because each one of them helped make a difference in your life while they were present - and thus, no one has ever really 'left'. They continue to exist, just in a different, more subtle form.

Mourn not for what is no longer; but be grateful for what once was.


"If limitations exist, it is because we have erased the possibility of potential."

Feel free to PM me if you ever need anything.
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Kumagoro Offline
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Re: Could you make any less of an effort...? - February 8th 2011, 05:16 PM

Thank you both. I know you're right, it's just hard to come to terms with. It's not easy to get close to people so the friends I have, I cling to. Obviously not the best idea I've ever had...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kaisada View Post
Mourn not for what is no longer; but be grateful for what once was.
I really like that... I'll bear it in mind.




   
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