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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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rows with my mum - February 8th 2011, 03:05 PM

i keep having blazing rows with my mum, its over little things too, today its been because i said i would get up 8.15 but i didnt (i had'nt slept last night so decided to have an hours nap so i had some energy) my mum came in my room guns blazing the works and just started yelling at me, i told her ' im just having a nap i didnt sleep last night' so she then yelled ' i dont soddin care, get up you lazy bitch' at me, at which point i did get up and started to find my clothes for the day ect, and she opened my door and just started yelling at me agian moaning at me about the dog and how i HAVE to look after it, the dog isnt even fucking mine! so i then slammed my door yelling at my mum to just leave me alone, and she didnt she started following me round the house yelling at me, eventually i went into her bathroom slammed the door and told her ' just go to your meeting at your friend house will you' and locked the bathroom door and just sat there crying..
i dont know what do anymore, its becoming a regular thing with me and my mum its everyday we have theese rows it can be over anything, my room, my laptop, the dog, the plate on the kitchen side, the cat, my shoes not being in my room. how do i get my mum to back off abit and just let me be me as such ? i hate arguing with my mum. help.



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Re: rows with my mum - February 8th 2011, 03:37 PM

unfortunately, the chance of your mother changing is incredibly slim. I think all you can do is change the way you react to her. I hope PSY responds to this, because she always gives great advice that I can't think of right on the spot.
   
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Re: rows with my mum - February 8th 2011, 03:40 PM

i no that i dont have much chance of my mum changing, its just recently she seems to have been more 'edgey'.



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Re: rows with my mum - February 8th 2011, 10:59 PM

i understand my step mom does that to me to not to anyone else just me unfortanalty idk how to help cuz i dont really know yet but if u just need to talk pm me aliright




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Re: rows with my mum - February 9th 2011, 02:05 AM

My mum is exactly the same. I find, the way to get on her good side, or at least for a little while, is to just do the stuff she yells at you for. Like ill put my dishes away, and do the rest of the family's dishes too after dinner. Also, ill put my shoes in my drawer, and pick up any dirty clothes from my room.

The little things help to keep our relationship on friendly terms.
   
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Re: rows with my mum - February 9th 2011, 03:39 AM

Is there anything that may be causing your mom more stress then usual lately? You mentioned she seems more edgy then normal which could be due to stress even if it isn't something you know about. Try sitting down and talking to her, explain that you don't want to yell or fight but have a civilized conversation with her because you feel that things have been tense lately.
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Re: rows with my mum - February 9th 2011, 05:26 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Myss View Post
unfortunately, the chance of your mother changing is incredibly slim. I think all you can do is change the way you react to her. I hope PSY responds to this, because she always gives great advice that I can't think of right on the spot.
I'm flattered.

It's easy to get stuck in cycles like the one you described. At first, they're just little arguments. Over the course of time, however, when you're having those little arguments every single day, they begin to add up. Eventually, you forget how to behave appropriately. You expect the other person to lash out, and that in turn changes the way you behave toward them, even before they've said or done anything inappropriate.

You need to break the cycle. You said your mother has been worse as of late, so I assume something led to the development of this cycle. Do you know what that could be? If not, why not sit down with her and have a relaxing meal together? Turn off your cell phones and just spend time together. Ask her what's going on - parents often think their kids don't care, so it'll probably come as a huge shock when you show genuine interest and concern for your mother.

Try to recognize that the way you are reacting to your mother's actions is just egging her on. You need to find a way to stop the cycle when it starts - or better yet, avoid the cycle altogether. These little things may actually be big things from your mother's perspective, so try to work things out with her. Sometimes, that'll mean compromising. If she wants you to take care of the dog (even if it isn't technically yours), take care of it without being told to do so. It takes a bit of time to feed, walk, and care for the dog... but it's one less thing your mother can yell at you about. I think the trade-off is worth it! You give up half an hour per day, and in return, you reduce the chances of being yelled at for half an hour. Half an hour spent doing something enjoyable, or half an hour spent being miserable and at odds with your mother.

If the cycle begins, and your mother starts yelling at you, try other techniques. It sounds like running away isn't solving anything - it's just making her even more angry because it looks like you're avoiding your chores/responsibilities. Next time, try standing your ground and staying calm. Don't try to talk over her while she's yelling. Wait until she stops, then calmly ask her what you can do to make the situation better. Ask her what you can do in the future to avoid these stressful situations. I doubt she enjoys yelling at you, and I KNOW you don't enjoy being yelled at... so try to demonstrate this to her and find a way to make things right!

I wish you both all the best. =)






Last edited by PSY; February 9th 2011 at 07:23 PM.
   
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Re: rows with my mum - February 9th 2011, 10:09 AM

i think i know why my mums more stressed than usual she keeps saying 'we dont have any money' they're having to fork out lots of money for my sister due to her being at uni, i think my mums also stressing about the 24th of feb (shes representing me in court ) so she's probably stressing about that too, my dads drinking has got worse so that might adding to the stress, shes also recently been diagnosed as anemic.

theres quite abit going on and now when i've just typed out thoose reasons why she might be more stressed than usual i can see why sees being more edgey, i dont think that fact thatt im also stressing about a important math exam im due to take in less than three weeks time, and am also stressing about court, is'nt helping much as i will admit i am very short tempered as it is, let alone with added stress. we go through phases like this , sometimes we will be able to sit down and do a puzzle together other times we're wanting to kill each other and are having full blown screaming / slanging matches with each other. yesterday was the worst i never new i had so much anger in me, i literally screamed at her :/


i've been thinking about it overnight and have wondered if seeing my doctor and asking me doctor to refer me to some anger management classes or something like that, because im pretty sure its not all my mums fault that at the moment things have got to the point where we cant even stay in a room with each other for more than 5 minuets without one of us shouting at each other or something like that, and i think that if i got anger management i might be able to work out why do i get sooo angry, and i think if i got counselling aswell it would probably help because everyone at work has recently noticed that im really deffensive, i let my guard down a couple of weeks ago and just cried in front of my boss, everyone at work was shocked. and i think the anger management would also help me get on with my dad better aswell. its something i've been considering for a little while but have never really spoke to anyone about it as such. but i know that talking to my doctor about everything would be a good place to start its just ringing them up and making that appointment and admitting to my mum n dad that i need help i've been deneying it to them for a very long time as my dad has always seen needing help from counsellors ect as a weakness.



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