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Neverknowing Offline
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almost divorced.. - February 12th 2011, 01:39 PM

I know, its a mouthful, but pleade read on..

About this time last year, my parrents almost got a dovirce. My father was smoking weed, drinking(he used to be an alcoholic) and seeing other women behind my moms back. He said he never cheated, but i didnt believe him for a second.. He had an ad on craigslist looking for group sex.. And he developed a porn addiction. From the time everyone(my mom, my sister and i) left the house in the morning, and returned in the afternoon, (about 8 hours) he was on porn. My mom had a program on the computer where she could see everything he clicked on. The second we left, he was on it, and the second one of us walked in the front door, he was off. The type of porn he was looking at? Old men having sex with girls in their late teens. Even before all of this happened, he verbally abused me..
Eventually they got into the big fight. He said we was leaving us and my mom tried to kick him out instead. She said she knew everything, and she had proof(pictures) and he said she was lying. The cops showed up at the house. My mom sister and i left for a while and stayed at my moms friends house. My mom saw a lawyer. Each of us got a court order of protection against him. The CPS came to my school to see me and came to my house. After a few weeks of my mom going back and fourth to court, they couldnt divorce(for some reason i cant remember..) partly because my mom cant afford to leave and live on her own with me. (my sister was 20 at the time, and she would live with her father. We have the same mom, but different fathers.)

We all forgot about what happened, mostly, but it sill hanuts me every day of mt life. Im not comfortable around my father. I dont even feel comfortable calling him a father anymore. My sister and i recently talked about what happened, and we both agreed that it will never be the same again.. Were always going to wonder if my father is doing anything behind my moms back again.. And this house was never the same. It feels like a prison. There isnt hapiness here.. Only bad memories. (when i was about 2, my father was physically and verbally abusive toward my mother)

I dont know what to do anymore. I feel trapped.. The memories and this house haunt me everyday. Im so stressed i cant sleep, im developing an eating disorder, im starting to get migranes and nosebleeds. I just want to be free of this house and him and my mom.. I cant take this anymore and ive never told anyone.. My mom doesnt care.. She isnt happy living with him but shes afraid to be independent.. And alone.. What happened screwed me up so bad and i dont know what to do anymore. Last night i had a dream that my father molested me.. (hence, his porn addiction, looking at young girls..) it makes me think, what if he drugged me and did something to me? Every day of my life im terrified, and i feel alone here in this house.. Im so scared that im going to end up like my mom. Afraid and trapped. Or tht im going to grow up old and alone..(i CANT express my feelings to anyone.. I just cant.. I keep everything bottled up..) sometimes i have panic attacks or mental breakdowns and i never know why.. But i realized that its about what happened. It follows me whereever i go and haunts me every day of my life..
   
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Re: almost divorced.. - February 12th 2011, 06:54 PM

Hello, and welcome to TeenHelp!

I'm truly sorry to hear about what happened with your family. Unfortunately, it's fairly common for women to stay with their abusive/neglectful husbands, for the sake of their kids and/or because they are afraid of becoming financially independent. You said your mom doesn't care, but I think she does - why else would she have called the police, filed for restraining orders, etc.? She started to do the right thing, but at some point, she probably gave up because her fears got the best of her. In her eyes, this IS the right thing to do, because you won't have to worry about money or have to move and leave your old life behind.

You and your sister need to tell your mom how you feel about everything. Instead of drifting apart as a family, you need to unite against your father in order to get what you want and live a happier life. At the very least, you need to tell your mother (preferably with your sister present for support) how this is affecting your physical and mental health, so that you can obtain professional help. You should also tell her that you don't feel safe around your father, and want a lock installed on your door so you can rest easier at night.

There IS financial support available to spouses and children who are escaping abusive/neglectful home environments. Your mother can file for spousal and child support upon divorcing your father, and he can go to jail if he doesn't meet his obligations. Your mother can apply for work, for government aid (such as food stamps), for temporary/low-income housing, etc. Why don't you and your sister look up some local resources and present these options to your mom when telling her how you feel about everything? You could also call Child Protective Services and ask "hypothetical" questions - for example, what can your family do to receive financial support while the divorce is in progress, and your mother isn't receiving spousal/child support yet?

I wish you all the best. <3





   
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