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Unhappy ... Father.... :'( - February 15th 2011, 08:09 PM

Okay this is a long story...

About a year ago i got in contact with my birth father. and i talked to him . and then when my mother found out she wasnt happy about it and she told me i was just going to get hurt. but she said if i wanted to call him and talk to him i could. but i wasnt aloud to even meet him without her there. now about a few months after in Augest i meet him with my mom out in the car in visable sit that i could see her and so could he. after that we seen each other on and off a few times. and then in early october we started doing these every second saturday things were i would go and be with him that day. and stuff. so i met my 6 year old brother and step brother who is 16. and my fathers wife. and some other family. aunt uncle cousins. you know. close people. and then the 27th of december. monday i was supose to go with him to a family event thing. to meet more of the family. but it was reallyy bad outside. so my mother said i couldnt go. when i called to tell him he said i could of told you that weeks ago because he knew my mother would turn around and say no i couldnt go. so later that day he told me he was coming to the house. after i told him a few times he wasnt allowed here . and that me and my mother didnt want him here he came anyways. i was in talking to my mother while she was working. so my step dad was at the door. he just wanted to drop a letter off for me because he thought he wouldnt get to see me again.well after he was out the driveway i knew he was here. because my step dad gave the letter to me. ( it was a christmas card from my aunt that i never got to meet ) after that i called him and i got upset because he knew he wasnt allowed here but he came anyway. i got so upset that i had to give the phone to my mom to tell him i didnt want to see nor speak to him anymore. a week went by without him contacting me till i went back to school after christmas break . my day was already bad, office trips (2) and then (3) trips to see the consular at my school. he sent me a text saying i cant believe you cant be honest with me and your mother and something i didnt even say or do.. but he thought i was lying. so on my lunch break he called. and i didnt answer it . but i called back upset and crying and swareing telling him he was told to stop talking to me . no contact. and after that he stopped. but the thing is its been over a month. and two weeks ago i felt like i really made a mistake i was hurting. i knew he was from other family members. and i couldnt just not talk to him anymore. but when i told my mother that i wanted to talk to him she said no because he doesnt deserve a second chance.... but then she said that she would let me talk about it after exams were over which was in a week after i told her that i wanted to. and now its been two weeks after the exams and i cant bring it up. im so upset and i know that i want to talk to him. but im afriad he wont forgive me. or that his wife who hates me because of what i said on the phone will be pissed off. or that my mother wont let me talk to him... hes my father.. my brother is only 6 and i really want to know my family and know my dad and talk to them all...

what should i do.?
I'm scared.
I'm hurt,
I'm upset..

i cant handle leaving this in anymore

HELP.....
   
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Re: ... Father.... :'( - February 15th 2011, 10:23 PM

Zoey,

It's obvious your parents still have unresolved issues, which is probably the reason why your mom didn't want you to give him a second chance. I do get the feeling, however, that your mom does allow you to get in contact with him. Perhaps she's even afraid of losing you, because you might like it better there? But anyways, more to the point...

If your dad's wife hates you because of what you said, she must've either have forgotten or forgiven you for doing that back then. If she hasn't, she must've been really upset, but that's not the point. Your dad is the person to focus on, he's your main connection to the other half of your family. Once your dad accepts your apologies, he can take on the task of calming his wife down.

If you really want to get to know your family, and I believe you do, the best thing you can do is gather all your courage and give your dad a call. You can even do it when your mom is not home, if that would make you feel more at ease. Apologize for the things you said back then and ask him if he would consider letting your into his house again one day in the future. It would be fair though, to let your mom know you did call him and to keep her updated, so to speak.

Most importantly, calm down so you can think more rationally. If you need someone to chat with, feel free to PM me.





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Re: ... Father.... :'( - February 15th 2011, 11:25 PM

Im not allowed to contact him because i made that choice the first time. now that i made that choice i cant change it now. my mother wont let me
   
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Re: ... Father.... :'( - February 16th 2011, 02:14 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by PrettyGirl : ) View Post
Im not allowed to contact him because i made that choice the first time. now that i made that choice i cant change it now. my mother wont let me
People are allowed to change their minds... why can't you do the same with your father?

I pretty much agree with everything Daniel said. =)





   
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Re: ... Father.... :'( - February 16th 2011, 02:57 AM

because my mother wont let me change my mind. she said he had his chance he blew it , now he has to move on., so do you. stick with your school work and everything. dont let it bother you
   
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Re: ... Father.... :'( - February 16th 2011, 07:28 PM

Perhaps without forcing her to agree with you, you could try to reason with her. Yelling never helps (I'm not saying you did yell), try to be as calm as you can, try not to raise your voice too much.

It's obvious you do want it to bother you, you want to get to know your dad, you want to get to know your brother, that whole side of the family, even. Try explaining your mom that you will focus on your schoolwork, after all, school is important, but that 'moving on' includes your dad and his side of the family in your life.

Good luck, Zoey, it's only normal for you to want your dad in your life and if you come with good arguments towards your mom, you might be able to make her realize you really want this.





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Re: ... Father.... :'( - February 16th 2011, 11:30 PM

it wont work. because i know my mom and she doesnt like him and never will. it has always been this way
   
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Re: ... Father.... :'( - February 17th 2011, 07:50 PM

But this isn't just about seeing your father... it's about seeing your brother and other family members who could provide support in the years to come. Try taking the focus off of your father the next time you talk to your mother, and emphasize how you want to spend more time with your other family members. THEY haven't done anything to tick your mother off, so she couldn't be able to object to that. If she does, then maybe it's because she's worried all of this emotional turmoil will affect your schoolwork. If that's the case, you'll have to be mature (not saying you haven't been thus far) and show her you can concentrate on getting everything else taken care of, while also working toward meeting your extended family.





   
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Re: ... Father.... :'( - February 17th 2011, 08:31 PM

she has no problem with me talking or seeing other family members,....
   
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Re: ... Father.... :'( - February 18th 2011, 12:34 AM

Well then, see if you can spend more time with them first. I know you have your heart set on seeing your father, but that might have to wait a while. If your other family members are having get-togethers (ex. birthday parties), then your father might be invited, and you'll get to see him on those occasions. In the meantime, I would let some time go by before asking again. You're not going to be able to prove you're emotionally capable of handling this relationship with your father right away. Don't get distracted from your schoolwork, and try asking your mom again in another month.





   
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Re: ... Father.... :'( - February 20th 2011, 06:29 AM

your sounding like my mother . !
   
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