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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Unhappy Where did I go wrong? Please Help? - February 20th 2011, 02:31 AM

First off, here's a little background story before I go into my problem:

I've had major depression since 8th grade. It became out of control in 10th grade. Also that same year, I met some amazing people who became my closest friends. When they discovered I had depression and was planning on killing myself, they became deeply devoted to helping me. For roughly four months they spent a lot of time keeping me from killing myself and cheering me up. But after those four months, they couldn't take it anymore. They more or less abandoned me. They weren't mean about it or anything. They simply just...gave up.

I ended up switching schools because I had caused such a commotion with my depression. I was ditching classes, sitting in corners, and seriously hurting myself with almost basically anything I could get my hands on. People thought I was an attention whore. Considering everything I did, I suppose I was, but not on purpose.

So I gradually fell apart from the friends I had made, though I still kept sporadic contact throughout junior year. Then this year we started talking a lot more, and we kind of became close again.

Well now here's where my problem begins...

My friends have changed. A lot. I know people change, but that doesn't mean it's always a good thing...

I had two guy best friends, and one girl. I've always had feelings for the girl, but she's went out with both of my friends. Her most recent relationship had become rocky, and she came to me to vent and such about it, and my friend became jealous of me. He eventually came to hate me. So I lost him. And the girl, for whatever reasons, had become selfish, hypocritical and not as devoted or helpful.

Her relationship with my ex friend is over now, and she's been acting happier.
Now I became depressed about three weeks ago. At first I didn't ask anyone for help, because I thought I was going to work through it on my own like I had been (I got treatment junior year. It helped me deal with my depression).
But instead, it didn't go away. It festered and festered until it came to the point where I was about to kill myself. I texted the girl a cliche suicide note: "Nice knowing you. Sorry you had to know me."
She ended up talking me out of it. We talked on the phone, and it wasn't depressing at all. We talked about random things. She enjoyed it so much that the next day she suggested talking on the phone again. Which we did.
Then, oddly enough, she started flattering me and being very flirtatious.

You see, I like to write short stories a lot. And for whatever reason, she became kind of obsessed with them. Which flattered me. But then I got to thinking about how coincidental her interest in them were, and texted her:
"Would you ever lie to me to make me happy?"
She was asleep when I texted her. She was kind of snappy about it, but I let it go.
The next day she text me, apologizing. I apologized for doubting her, and she got mad. Like I rekindled a flame. We didn't argue or anything, she just snapped again and then wanted me to leave her alone. Which I did. The next day she apologized again. She told me things have been going on at school that were making her angry. She didn't want to talk about it. Though we did start talking about how she couldn't wait to move away. Since I had always wanted to be with her, I suggested tagging along. Not in a creepy way, but in the hopes we could have something together. She said no, that she'd rather leave everything behind. But then she started to badger me:
"I don't know why you'd even suggest that. I hate the idea of a follower or submissive underling. I hate it when guys are submissive. It's annoying."
I felt insulted, but didn't say anything. I had had a rough day, and was at rock bottom when she had texted me her apology. I ended up switching the subject over to how I felt suicidal. She gave me a simple sentence of advice, but since I was in such a dark place, I was argumentative. I said I didn't see the point in life.

After that, she lost it. For a few hours we text back and forth. She's insulting me, saying I'm selfish, naive, immature, a nuisance, I bring her down, etc. I tried not to say any insults back so we wouldn't fight. But at the end of the conversation, she said she didn't want to hear about how my life sucks because she's excited about life and is going to live hers. And she doesnt want me bringing her down.
So I said: "Fine. I won't ever vent to you again. At least not about life. Sorry my life isn't as hunky dory as yours..."

Here's a little background story about her:

Her mother is a sluttly, abusive drug addict. She has no father, and she lives with her grandmother, who is controlling and has anger issues. and because of that, she has gone through her own share of depression.

Now, as you can imagine, she was pissed. She cursed me out, and then said she didn't want to be friends anymore.

A few days later, I sent her this apology:

So here I am, apologizing again. I've wronged you again, and there is no excuse. From an outside point of view, it might be dismissed as an altercation caused by intense feelings, but it doesn't change what was said.
It's like the death of millions can't be justified as "just war."
It's wrong no matter how you look at it.
I've realized that now.

I don't want to repeat everything I said in my last apology. I believe it would just give the impression that our friendship doesn't mean much, or I'm too lazy to put forth a meaningful effort to try to restore what has been broken yet again.

I can't begin to put into words the guilt I feel about this. I hit rock bottom and I tried using you to pull myself back up. There is no justifiable reason for doing that. I did it not fully understanding the extent of the consequences. I was in a dark place and not thinking to the best of my ability. That may not be an excuse, but it's why.

As for comparing my life to yours, you were right. Not that I didn't think you were. That should never be done under any circumstances with anyone. There is no telling what someone might have suffered. You've gone through a lot more than you should have, and I had no right to give that a comparative value.

Now as for you not wanting to be friends, that's fine. It's your life, and you can control who you do and don't want to be a part of it. If I make you miserable, then the best choice would be to leave me. Though I regret whole heartedly that I can make you feel that way. It by no means is intentional. My depression is fairly difficult to control. I can manage to bring myself up if a certain cause makes me depressed, but often times there is no specific cause, and it just happens. Like getting sick. That's what happened this last time. I got caught in its vicious trap, and I ended up feeding into it.
I don't know why I couldn't stop it. But I honestly tried.
I was relentlessly bombarded with negative thoughts that I couldn't make go away no matter what I did. Honestly.
Again, that may not be an excuse, but yeah..

I may not sound enthusiastic about wanting to restore our friendship, but that's because I don't know what to do. I want us to be friends, and I want you to be happy.
But I don't know when or if my depression will ever go away, the only thing I can do is keep it away from you.
I'm willing to do that, if you want to be friends again.
Now, from the bottom of my heart, for everything I've mentioned here, and anything I've failed to mention, I'm sorry. I wish there was more I could say to express my sorrow than just those two words. But still, you mean a lot, and I'm sorry with all my heart..


It managed only to piss her off more. So where did I go wrong...? ):


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Re: Where did I go wrong? Please Help? - February 21st 2011, 03:47 AM

Well honestly.. from what uve said, i think she only sees you as a friend. but i think she gets that u want more than just friendship from her. I think that apology may have come on too strong for her. she had said she didnt want a follower...and your depression brings her down right? well in the letter i think you gushed a bit too much. Just saying sorry might have been good enough. idk if that helps at all... im definetly not pro at advice giving :/


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Re: Where did I go wrong? Please Help? - February 21st 2011, 07:58 AM

You both have problems that require therapy, at the very least. If you have been diagnosed with depression, then you may require medication as well. She may have undiagnosed depression, or other unresolved issues none of us are aware of.

My point is this: you're both struggling, and you're both trying to rely on one another in order to be happy. That's simply not going to happen. You can't help others if you can't help yourself, and chances are, you're just going to keep tearing each other down, no matter how much you value your friendship.

My advice is to build a supportive network of family members, friends, teachers, counselors, etc. Heck, include this website as well! Get help from people who don't have all that extra baggage and can really HELP you. Most importantly, if you're not already seeing a psychological professional on a regular basis... find someone, because if you're getting to the point where you're feeling suicidal, you really, truly need help.

I wish you both all the best. <3





   
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Re: Where did I go wrong? Please Help? - February 23rd 2011, 03:15 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by snakewhisperer28 View Post
Well honestly.. from what uve said, i think she only sees you as a friend. but i think she gets that u want more than just friendship from her. I think that apology may have come on too strong for her. she had said she didnt want a follower...and your depression brings her down right? well in the letter i think you gushed a bit too much. Just saying sorry might have been good enough. idk if that helps at all... im definetly not pro at advice giving :/
I gushed because a simple sorry could have been insulting. And honestly, I dont think it was that much. But we all have our own opinions. Though, if you had gone through what she did, and someone said to you, "Sorry my life isn't as hunky dory as yours,"
Would you have been satisfied with a simple "I'm sorry" ?


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