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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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playpretend Offline
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Name: Elliotte
Age: 28
Gender: Female
Location: California

Posts: 23
Join Date: February 25th 2009

Post A Hypothetical Situation - March 4th 2009, 05:27 PM

The Characters
One girl, one boy

The Scenario
Something happens to the girl. She's feeling incredibly wounded over the situation and writes a note in her MSN name to ward off everyone but her closest friends. Boy IMs girl, wants to know if there's anything he can do to help her. Girl responds ten minutes later. Boy does not return for three hours, at which point girl has said she's going to bed; boy does too.

The Aftermath
Girl believes what happened to be her fault and that she's blowing it out of proportion (girl has severe abandonment issues, as well as separation anxiety, for which she's in therapy); after all, girl is the one who took "ages" to respond. However, she's thrown off by that this is not the first time it's happened, and she's unsure whether alcohol played a part as it has the last couple times. She's also thrown off by her psychologist's warning of that this/he is exactly what she needs to get off on her "abandonment kick."

Girl is also tired of hearing "I promise" only for him to not follow through (he apologises and she forgives every. single. time), and is tired of being treated as flippantly, carelessly, and with as much insensitivity as she has been. Though boy has been having a rough time lately, girl feels she should not have to stand for his taking it out on her. However, girl also feels that though she feels neglected, and has communicated this to him once or twice, she's not being abused and therefore she has no right to complain and/or deserves a slap for concentrating on and getting down about this when he's done so much for her.

The Questions
Is it wrong for girl to feel hurt over what happened? Even though this has happened before? Or is she overreacting?

This isn't abuse, but girl still feels it's unhealthy. Is this justified?

What would you do if in the given situation? How would you feel?

- Elliotte

If you don't get what you want, you suffer; if you get what you don't want, you suffer; even when you get exactly what you want, you still suffer because you can't hold on to it forever. Your mind is your predicament. It wants to be free of change. Free of pain, free of the obligations of life and death. But change is a law, and no amount of pretending will alter that reality.
ℑDan Millman
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Strider Offline
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Name: Nat
Age: 27
Gender: Female
Location: A broken glass picture

Posts: 1,448
Join Date: January 19th 2009

Re: A Hypothetical Situation - March 4th 2009, 09:50 PM

Hi Elliotte,

I think that the girl and the boy both need to realize that IM is not reliable. People multi-task on the computer sometimes. IMing is one of those things. This doesn't happen all the time, but it does happen often. People get called away from the computer or people don't realize that someone has messaged them.

It is not the girl's fault and it is not the boy's fault. On IM, it is difficult to give someone their complete and undivided attention. It's better to do that face to face by having a one on one conversation.

I understand why the girl is feeling hurt, especially when she is having a tough time with abandonment issues and separation anxiety. It is fully undetstandable, but at the same time, IM is a lot different than talking to someone and there are too many other things that could have happened. If the boy didn't respond, it does not automatically mean he doesn't want to talk.

I think that the girl should talk to the boy about this- not on IM. It sounds like the boy is very concerned about the girl and wants to know how to help. I don't think that it's fair for the boy to make promises and not keep them. That is another issue that should be brought up some time in conversation. There might be a way for the boy and girl to work it out between them.

If I were in the situation, I might feel a little hurt at first, but I would turn my mind to other things and talk to the boy later. I would probably talk to another close friend instead.


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