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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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How do I hide it? - March 30th 2011, 03:01 AM

Recently there have been many troubles within my home life; I had just learned that my father is an alcoholic, my parents are probably divorcing soon, my parents had been staying together not because of love "but because of the children", and in the summer most likely I will be moving out with my mother. You could say I'm particularly inexperienced at dealing with such emotional things, mainly because my life was so rich and comfortable that I'd really never have to step outside of my comfort zone.
I can't talk about this my anybody; not my friends, other relatives, and not even my own parents. It's been weeks now and I've remained quiet, I've struggled to not say it to my friends... and voice my displeasure with the situation. The really hard thing is not being able to talk to my parents about it and I have to pretend nothing is wrong with me; they know that I already know about this.. but I believe that their choice to divorce shouldn't be based off of how "I feel" about it, it just doesn't matter how I feel. (I've also never really been emotionally open with my parents).
Anyways, the point is, I feel like soon I'm going to accidentally tell somebody... or it's just going to slip, and I really don't want that. So.. can someone give me suggestions of how I can hide it from everybody? Thanks.
   
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Re: How do I hide it? - March 30th 2011, 06:21 AM

Most people on TeenHelp are going to encourage you to talk to someone. Writing your thoughts down in a journal, expressing yourself through art, etc. are great ways to get through a difficult emotional period in your life... but there is a reason why psychological professionals encourage us to reach out to others. Having a supportive network of family members and friends can do wonders for us, even if we tend to keep to ourselves and not open up about personal problems. Believe me, I used to be a lot like you a few years ago - I didn't talk about my parents' divorce (let along my father's deployment to Kuwait) until about a year later. It felt sooo good when I finally told my teacher, though. She was always willing to give me a hug and talk after class if I needed to get something off of my chest.

Your parents are probably going to follow through with the divorce, no matter what you say or do. While it is admirable that they tried to stay together for the sake of their children, ultimately, that just leads to more problems. Children eventually pick up on the weak connection their parents share, and living with two parents who aren't happy with their relationship can actually be worse than living with a single parent. I think it would be good for you to tell your parents how you're feeling. Yes, they are dealing with their own problems at the moment... but that doesn't mean they're incapable or unwilling to support you throughout the divorce process. Perhaps this is the perfect time to start developing a more personal bond with one or both parents, where you feel more comfortable talking about your emotions! They KNOW something is wrong - divorces are a nasty process - so you don't have to pretend that everything is A-OK.







Last edited by PSY; March 30th 2011 at 07:18 PM.
   
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Re: How do I hide it? - March 30th 2011, 07:17 AM

Robin is right. Writing your feelings down in a journal is a real help. And mostly, talking to someone.

Sometimes, people (parents) need to hear what their children have to say. And seeing as you are feeling so strongly about this, you need to talk this out with them. Also, they might change their minds, since their priority is their children. They need to know how you feel and how you're going to feel if anything that you don't what happens. Every action has a reaction, in this case, consequences. Your parents need to understand the consequences of their actions, and you are the one who should tell them, because even if they don't seem to take in what you're saying, they will consider it, because they are your parents.
But at the same time, they may go through the divorce, but make it much easier on you. It won't be as complicated and as hard as it would have been.

Hope things work out and things get better! If you need to talk, you can pm me! <3


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Re: How do I hide it? - March 31st 2011, 12:41 AM

I understand where you're coming from, as far as trying to hide it. My first instinct is always to cover things up, don't cry in front of people, etc. You can always express yourself privately. Write in a journal (I write furiously in mine when I'm upset haha), draw something, create a blog online. If you find you have a lot of pent-up emotions, try doing something you find relaxing.

As I believe most people will advise, you should talk to someone. You don't have to go around talking to everyone about it, but it feels amazing to confide in a close friend or relative. You don't have to talk to your parents until you're ready, but in the meantime, don't let all the pressure crush you. Your friends are there to support you and help you. And of course, the same goes for the TH community ♥ Good luck~
   
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Re: How do I hide it? - March 31st 2011, 01:25 AM

I'll echo the people above - talk to someone you trust. The more you try to hide your pain and pretend everything is fine, the more it will hurt you. Although it will be difficult to open up to somebody about your family situation, you will feel lot better once you've let some of that weight off your chest. Talking to your parents would be the best option. They tried to make things work for you, so obviously, they care a lot about your well-being. They would want to know how you're coping and to help you deal with the situation. If you aren't feeling comfortable enough to bring the topic up with your parents, you could talk to another adult you trust - like your teacher or in-school counselor. You could also talk to someone from TeenHelp! Since you (probably) don't know anyone here in real life, it would be like writing in a journal - except the journal talks back and gives you comfort (: You're going through a difficult and confusing phase in your life, but you don't have to do that alone. Best wishes! If you need someone to talk to, don't hesitate to PM!
   
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Re: How do I hide it? - March 31st 2011, 04:52 AM

I'm going to be really honest. When my parents divorced I had a similar situation going from being very comfortable, to being very, very raw. It feels good to be emotionally raw, and in some ways I think it's unavoidable. What you are going through is very, very tough-- no one can say it isn't or sugarcoat it for you. You know it's very tough and you have every right to feel angry, upset, scared, or anything else you feel. The last thing you should do is keep it to yourself. Don't try to be strong for them or be worried about letting them know how you feel. This is going to be tough no matter what, and you should express your feelings however you need to, even if you just need to scream and yell or just scribble everything down. It's very ugly, but it's very freeing. You will feel so much stronger when you are able to own your emotions, and it will definately strengthen your relationship with your parents.
   
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Re: How do I hide it? - March 31st 2011, 05:00 PM

I think you need to talk to someone you trust thats close to you. And eventually your parents are gonna find out how you feel. Writing in a journal is a good way to vent and just get things out and will make you feel better. Cause just like venting to a friend or us writing it down will help.


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Re: How do I hide it? - April 2nd 2011, 01:27 AM

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Originally Posted by 01love View Post
I'll echo the people above - talk to someone you trust. The more you try to hide your pain and pretend everything is fine, the more it will hurt you. Although it will be difficult to open up to somebody about your family situation, you will feel lot better once you've let some of that weight off your chest. Talking to your parents would be the best option. They tried to make things work for you, so obviously, they care a lot about your well-being. They would want to know how you're coping and to help you deal with the situation. If you aren't feeling comfortable enough to bring the topic up with your parents, you could talk to another adult you trust - like your teacher or in-school counselor. You could also talk to someone from TeenHelp! Since you (probably) don't know anyone here in real life, it would be like writing in a journal - except the journal talks back and gives you comfort (: You're going through a difficult and confusing phase in your life, but you don't have to do that alone. Best wishes! If you need someone to talk to, don't hesitate to PM!
One of the problems I have with telling one of my close friends is that I don't know how they would respond or even feel about it. I'd be putting someone in the tough position where they'd have to forever come up with things to say about it, and more so I feel I'd be restricting conversation topics--for instance, if they wanted to make a funny joke about alcoholism, my experiences would restricting them from that in a way. Even with the things I went through I would honestly want them to tell me that joke about alcoholism, or share their deep conversations on the subjects of divorce, etc because it's important that they act freely around me. I never want them to feel bad or give me an apology if something slips out about the topic, you know?
Another problem is--if I told them-- what kind of person would they see me as? Would they forever look at me as "that girl with an alcoholic dad"? I don't want my personality or who I am to labeled on that basis. The last thing I want is for them to look at me with sympathy.
It's so unfortunate that psychologically I'm being held hostage by my emotional perspective, and I will probably subconsciously be forced to tell somebody...
   
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Re: How do I hide it? - April 2nd 2011, 09:37 PM

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Originally Posted by ICantCreateACoolUsername
One of the problems I have with telling one of my close friends is that I don't know how they would respond or even feel about it. I'd be putting someone in the tough position where they'd have to forever come up with things to say about it
Not necessarily. Oftentimes, the best thing a friend can do for you is to simply listen and be near you, so you know you aren't alone in your suffering. If you don't want your friend to constantly find ways to say, "It's going to be okay," then tell him/her! Explain that you don't need reassurances in the verbal sense - you just want to know that you have someone whom you can spend time with. If the divorce and alcoholism come up from time to time, then great... but you DON'T have to talk about it all the time.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ICantCreateACoolUsername
and more so I feel I'd be restricting conversation topics--for instance, if they wanted to make a funny joke about alcoholism, my experiences would restricting them from that in a way. Even with the things I went through I would honestly want them to tell me that joke about alcoholism, or share their deep conversations on the subjects of divorce, etc because it's important that they act freely around me. I never want them to feel bad or give me an apology if something slips out about the topic, you know?
We all have to censor ourselves around people from time to time - even our closest friends. Talk to your friend. Explain that you won't be upset if the subject of alcoholism accidentally comes up in conversation, but you would prefer it if jokes about alcoholism would be told around other friends. There is absolutely nothing wrong with doing that! =) And chances are, your friend would naturally start to censor him/herself, so by bringing up the subject right away, you can reassure your friend that you won't become a raging jerk if they slip up and mention alcoholism.


Quote:
Originally Posted by ICantCreateACoolUsername
Another problem is--if I told them-- what kind of person would they see me as? Would they forever look at me as "that girl with an alcoholic dad"? I don't want my personality or who I am to labeled on that basis. The last thing I want is for them to look at me with sympathy.
It's so unfortunate that psychologically I'm being held hostage by my emotional perspective, and I will probably subconsciously be forced to tell somebody...
We are not defined by what our parents do. Everyone knows this, despite how often we stereotype others as "goths", "jocks", "preps", etc. Your friend won't suddenly see you as a different person, just as you wouldn't see them as a different person if their parent suddenly died. You wouldn't see them as "the person whose parent died"... you would see them as "my friend who needs support right now". You don't have to see yourself as a perpetual victim who requires sympathy for the rest of your life... you are just a regular 13-year-old girl who is going through a very difficult time at the moment, and needs support from people whom you love and trust.






   
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Re: How do I hide it? - April 2nd 2011, 11:10 PM

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Not necessarily. Oftentimes, the best thing a friend can do for you is to simply listen and be near you, so you know you aren't alone in your suffering. If you don't want your friend to constantly find ways to say, "It's going to be okay," then tell him/her! Explain that you don't need reassurances in the verbal sense - you just want to know that you have someone whom you can spend time with. If the divorce and alcoholism come up from time to time, then great... but you DON'T have to talk about it all the time.



We all have to censor ourselves around people from time to time - even our closest friends. Talk to your friend. Explain that you won't be upset if the subject of alcoholism accidentally comes up in conversation, but you would prefer it if jokes about alcoholism would be told around other friends. There is absolutely nothing wrong with doing that! =) And chances are, your friend would naturally start to censor him/herself, so by bringing up the subject right away, you can reassure your friend that you won't become a raging jerk if they slip up and mention alcoholism.



We are not defined by what our parents do. Everyone knows this, despite how often we stereotype others as "goths", "jocks", "preps", etc. Your friend won't suddenly see you as a different person, just as you wouldn't see them as a different person if their parent suddenly died. You wouldn't see them as "the person whose parent died"... you would see them as "my friend who needs support right now". You don't have to see yourself as a perpetual victim who requires sympathy for the rest of your life... you are just a regular 13-year-old girl who is going through a very difficult time at the moment, and needs support from people whom you love and trust.

Thank you so much for your advice, maybe I should tell them.
   
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Re: How do I hide it? - April 3rd 2011, 07:17 AM

Hey there! I'm glad you are thinking about telling your friends about this situation. As Robin mentioned, writing and art can really help release emotions and can really help when you feel you can't talk to someone at the time. But actually, when you tell someone, you will feel like you have gotten it off your chest and will feel so much better.

But as for not wanting their sympathy spoken into words so often, you are more then welcome to let them know that! Remember that communication is the basis of all relationships. I'm sure that your friends won't mind not sympathizing so much verbally, but I bet they will let you know that they are there for you during this problem that you are going through. And in doing that, they are being good friends.

Robin is correct, what your parents are doing in no way gives you a label or defines who you are as a person. You are your own unique person who is different from everyone else, including your parents. Talking to your friends about this should hopefully allow you to start to heal from this and give you a person that can support you. And I bet you that everyone on TH here will tell you that having a support person is a VERY important thing to have. Feel free to PM me if you need anything, Good Luck!

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Re: How do I hide it? - April 3rd 2011, 07:42 AM

tell us on here about, we are happy to support you! you should try and tell a friend, friends are more supportive than anyone and could really help you. I agree with keeping a journal or you could get a blog to write on... <3 Go in Peace!


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