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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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SJaySmile Offline
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Unhappy I need help with friends.... - March 30th 2011, 07:10 AM

So, I have "friends", but they only ever talk to me when they want advice or when they need to just talk to someone about a problem. Don't get it wrong, I love to listen and help them when they need it, but I don't have any friends that will listen to me when I just need to talk or when I need advice. Also, none of my friends ever want to hang out with me unless no one else is available...

I've had this problem for awhile. I'm not very good at making friends, so I take the friends that I get and I'm happy to have them, but at the same time, I'm kind of frustrated. I've talked to most of them about what I've noticed and they tell me that I just need to get over it and listen because there are more important things than me and my problems. Only one of them has apologized and she tries to listen, but she just has so much bad stuff going on with her....

What should I do to get better friends or something? I don't really know.. I'll take any advice because at this point I just kind of feel like I'm not good enough to have good friends. Does that sound stupid? I don't know, that's just what I think.. Help??
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Re: I need help with friends.... - March 30th 2011, 07:15 PM

well i have to admit that if they told that to you, it was kind of rude, or eiter joking, probably joking lol
Sometimes i have similar problems, like when some of my friends all rush to me in joy and hope when I announce to throw a party, i mean, i like to do it, and my parents let me when i insist, i love having them all but sometimes they don't repay for that.
Now, what I think you should do, is to find at least 1 friend, your best friend, to hang out with, then you won't feel so bad, and it will atract the others cause they will get to know that you also hang out with people.
   
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Re: I need help with friends.... - March 30th 2011, 07:33 PM

You're obviously a very good friend, so you deserve to have equally good friends in return. =) Don't EVER tell yourself you DON'T deserve good friends.

I want to suggest two things. They're not necessarily going to be easy changes, but your alternative is to leave things as they are now... and I doubt that's what you want to do. So while these changes may cause some temporary discomfort, in the long run, I think it will be worth the effort. =D

First, you need to tell your current friends that you have needs as well. I was always the "counselor" among my group of friends in high school. Whenever a friend had problems, they came to me for advice. I loved helping them, but unfortunately, some of those friends would only talk to me if they wanted advice. They never wanted to hang out with me JUST for the sake of hanging out with me - it was always conditional. So I told them that, in order to be a good friend and continue offering them advice, I needed to be emotionally healthy. That meant having friends who wanted to spend time with me and help me whenever I had problems of my own. Most of my friends understood what I was trying to say, and they slowly modified their behavior. I had to slowly distance myself from the friends who continued to use me, and with time, they either changed or moved on to use other people, since I was no longer available to them. When you tell your friends what you need from them, you NEED to follow through. Chances are, they'll "forget" about your conversation and revert to their old habits after a few days or weeks - so when that happens, remind them of your needs, and stand your ground. Don't let your friends walk all over you.

Second, find a way to meet new people. If you're like me, you're probably pretty shy and slow to warm up to people. You may not enjoy going to clubs/activities without a friend to accompany you. You may feel awkward when trying to talk to people you don't know, and may not know what to say (or how to continue on with a conversation after saying, "Hello, I'm So-and-So, how are you?" The bad news is that, if you're like me, you're ALWAYS going to feel a little awkward when meeting new people - it's never going to feel 100% natural. The good news is that you CAN slowly work on making your interactions less awkward, with a great deal of practice and patience on your part. What are your interests? Is there a club at school that you can join that focuses on those interests? What about organizations in your community that offer volunteering opportunities? Start off small, don't do anything too drastic right off the bat. For example, if you like to draw, join your school's art club or volunteer for an art/street fair in your city. You'll be doing something you love, AND you'll be meeting new people whom you already have something in common with (a love for art). You don't have to "take what you can get"... you can actively seek out people whom you would like to become friends with!






   
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Re: I need help with friends.... - March 31st 2011, 12:36 AM

I agree with PSY. If you want to stay friends with your current friends, you'll need to talk to them and explain that you feel excluded, and a second option. Meeting new friends is always a great option. Be open to everyone- I'm friends with many kids who I never thought I'd get along with. You sound like a great friend, so you deserve great friends ♥ Good luck with this!
   
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