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why dont step parents and chirldern get along - April 6th 2011, 03:43 PM

i have a slight question why is it step chirldern and their step parent dont get along like me and my step mom we have many arugument even when im staying calm and just saying ok i will do this do that or what ever she is asking it end up in a fight and my dad picks her side most of the time saying why didnt u listen but i was listening so i just dont understand why dont they get along i know there are ppl who do but of what i know of they dont




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Re: why dont step parents and chirldern get along - April 6th 2011, 03:49 PM

I'm guessing children will automatically compare their step mother/father to their real mother/father. They will also feel like they're going to replace their real parents.

This isn't always the case though. My friend loves her step-dad.


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Re: why dont step parents and chirldern get along - April 6th 2011, 03:56 PM

I can see this from both perspectives. I get on quite well with my mums boyfriend even though I think she deserves better than him (to be fair, no-one will ever be good enough for her in my eyes coz she's my mum and i love her to pieces). However, I absolutely hate my dads girlfriend. She's a b!tch, but her and my dad deserve each other - they're both obsessed with money and don't care about anyone other than themselves. I think sometimes it can be a case of the child not thinking anyone is worthy of their parent and also partially the step-parent feeling awkward in the role of "parent" when they're actually not related. I'm gonna say that it's probably a confusion of family "roles" and the awkwardness that's bound to unsue when someone takes over a parental role whilst there's someone else still filling that role.

Also, I'm gonna go right ahead and say that based on the disney films that I've watched, it's safe to say that all step-parents are completely evil *jokes*

But seriously, it would be a really interesting thing to do a study on.
   
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Re: why dont step parents and chirldern get along - April 6th 2011, 05:37 PM

Definitely agree with the idea that all parties involved are struggling to establish their "roles" in the family. Stepparents may or may not want to be "parents", which means they may or may not have a say in discipline, rules, etc. This can cause problems for the children, if they believe only their biological parents have the right to call themselves their "parents".

Also, just as college students struggle to live with new roommates, stepparents and children often struggle to live with THEIR new "roommates". In the stepparent's case, they're learning how to live with their new spouse/partner AND their spouse's/partner's children. In the child's case, they're learning how to "share" their biological parent AND deal with a "roommate" who suddenly has authority of some sort over the child (even if the stepparent doesn't "parent", they DO take up the biological parent's time, so you could say they have "authority" over the other parent's time).

With parents and children, we're told that "we can't help whom we're related to"; therefore, we have to "deal" with our biologically-related family members. When a stepparent or stepchild is introduced, however, we may decide we DON'T have to "deal", because we can CHOOSE whether or not to let this "stranger" into our lives. If you're the child, you may think, "My parent didn't have to start dating again or re-marry." If you're the stepparent, you may wonder why the child can't go live with the other parent, thus allowing you to develop a relationship with your new spouse/partner without any added "baggage".






   
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Re: why dont step parents and chirldern get along - April 6th 2011, 05:45 PM

hmm thats a good point i nevr thought of it that way i always thought that the child may have not like the idea of them taking their biological parents place and they just didnt get along and the step parent may feel uneasy trying to communicate with the step child




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Re: why dont step parents and chirldern get along - April 6th 2011, 06:57 PM

I think it really depends on who the bio and step parents are. But generally, kids tend to think that because someone is marrying their bio parent, that they are filling in for the other. So then they think that the step parent is going to try and take the place of them. Also, because you're not actually related to this person- you don't know how they work and the things that they think, so, misunderstandings will happen. Plus, everyone is trying to adjust to new big changes and trying to adapt to each other. And I think that people have a hard time distinguishing each others boundaries, so sometimes they get crossed.


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Re: why dont step parents and chirldern get along - April 7th 2011, 06:11 AM

Biological parents have greater amounts of oxytocin secreted, which has several functions and one of them is increasing social bonds and compliance. Recent mothers have very high levels of oxytocin, often higher than the father allowing for close strong bonds to be formed in early childhood. Step-parents may not have such a reaction. From a more psychosocial view, step-parents are viewed as cutting into the scene akin to someone barging into a conversation and trying to be involved but doesn't understand the content. Furthermore, kids may compare the step-parents to their biological parents whom they know quite well and have a strong intimate relation with, usually with less tension.

Not to say humans and rats are the same but if you take an adult virgin female rat and put her with cubs from another mother, the adult tends to shy away from the cubs or, in less common situations, begins attacking and killing. The cubs either attempt to interact or they too shy away but rarely ever attack the adult. However, assuming she's not killing, if you keep them together for a longer time, the adult will begin performing maternal roles, such as licking, carrying, sniffing and so forth. People who did such studies measure the changes in neurochemical secretions and neural activity, and find when the adult begins adopting maternal roles, oxytocin and other neurochemicals increase in concentration.


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