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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
BlueWolf Offline
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I can't talk to him. - April 9th 2011, 03:12 PM

My dad and I have no been getting along since I was in my teens, but now things have gotten so much worse. My parents are divorced, have been since I was little, and my mom refuses to talk with him. So for some background information so you know where I'm coming from.... I often visit him in another state and he was pretty cruel. He put me down all the time. In his eyes, I was stupid, lazy, irresponsible, and all kinds of other things. He would often tell me how mean I was for taking sides with my mom(I never did, I just refused to go live with him because he was vicious to me), and he would tell me how I needed to loose weight even though my doctor says I'm slightly underweight. My mom says it's a miracle I don't have an eating disorder after having to deal with him, but I still do have low self-eestem. I haven't been uneffected by him. He also denies all of this and calls me delusional when I try to tell him and says I'm the one who puts him down all the time. So I gave up trying to tell him how I felt. I've tried to tell him as nicely and in as many ways as I can. When he found out I started cutting, he freaked and pointed fingers at my mom. Yeah, my mom and I have serious issues, but I can honestly say, I can handle those so much easier. He says it's only because she does everything behind my back. I don't really care, it's easier for me to deal with.

I've gotten to the point where I don't want to talk to him. I already know where it will end. Whenever we talk it's a normal conversation... boring and always small talk. If it goes beyond that it'll be a nasty fight. So we keep it there. I don't want to even see him I'm so angry. I want nothing to do with him. He shut me out and said I was the one who pushed him away. Last I checked I was begging for him to talk to me, to come see me, but he spent his time with his girlfriend whose the same age as me instead. I think he's just trying to make himself feel better about all of this by blaming everyone else.

Anyways, here's the problem I really need some advice for, or at least some reassurance so I can do this easier. I need to call him. I haven't talked to him in several months, but I want to see my grandparents who live near him and I can't see them without seeing him or he will be horribly hurt. As much as I want nothing to do with him, I don't want to hurt him. I want to see him. I'm just terrified. I don't know what to even say! So i want to call him and see about going see him and then going to see my grandparents who are the best people in the world. I keep reminding myself that I am sooo lucky to have the best grandparents ever. They deffinantly make up for him, but I try not to put all the blame on my dad either. Like maybe I could make it easier for him or something. I don't really know. Maybe I should try to talk to him more and make him not feel so bad. I feel like I've failed him, but I hurt so much I break down everytime I even think about talking to him even if it's only through a text or something. It's that big of a deal for me.

I'm afraid of him finding out about me taking medicine again too. Or at least I'm trying to. He has me on his insurance plan, but it doesn't cover for medicine. I want to talk to him about it, but I know why the plan is like that, and I don't want his help anyway. I've been talking to my mom about what to do so we can afford the medicine. If I go though, I'm afraid he'll find out about it. Terrified really. He has been trying to get me to take all natural medicine, and I tried it, but it had no effect. It was also for depression and my meds are for more than just that. If he finds out, he'll just harass me about it and say how I never take his advice and how he won't help me anymore. I really do take his advice when I can, but I have to do what's best for me too. Nothing I say to him gets through. And he'll just be more disappointed in me.

My grandparents keep telling me he's been wanting me to call him and talk to him because he misses me, but my mom thinks he's lying to them so he doesn't look bad. She said she lived with him for so many years and knows his games. But my mom is a serious liar too. I know both of them lie like there's no tomorrow, so I don't even know what to believe. I've also been debating on whether or not I should talk to my grandparents about what I found. I found court papers that said my dad was denied bankrupcy, when he said he wasn't, and my grandparents say he wasn't. Do they know? Are they saying that for me? Or is he lying to us all? I need to know the truth. It's eating away at me, but I'm too afraid to ask. Should I? Or should I leave it alone? What do you guys think?

Anyway, I'm going to call my dad, but I don't know how or what to say. I'm sooo afraid. Any advice? And sorry that was kinda long.


Self-harm free since 10.1.2013
"You have not failed if you learned something from it."
"Life's not about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain"
"Weak heart, Dying soul, Falling apart, Make me whole, These broken blues, Peirce your being, Hide the truth, You won't be seeing."
"Deeper, Deeper, Deeper inside me I live a life that seems to be a lost reality."
"Big Brother is watching."

   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
PSY Offline
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Re: I can't talk to him. - April 11th 2011, 06:35 PM

I know you are both adults, but I want to emphasize your roles as father and daughter. He is a grown man who has experienced so much more in life. You are barely an adult. While you may no longer be a child, you still need support as you continue to grow - and your father is not giving you that support. Instead of manning up and acting like a father, he is sinking to your level (no offense) and playing the "blame game". This is not how a father should behave around his child. He should not portray himself as the victim and cause his child to feel guilty for their perceived wrong-doings. Instead, he should be more understanding of the situation and strive to repair his relationship with you, just as you have attempted to repair your relationship with him. He has failed to do that.

I think you should stop worrying about what your father wants and start focusing on what YOU want. I know that is easier said than done. You sound like a highly empathic person, one who hates to cause anyone unnecessary pain; however, sometimes people need to truly see how dire a situation is before they can pull their heads out of their you-know-whats and really DEAL with the situation. I had to cease contact with my mom for a full year before she finally came around. I had to be firm with her, no matter how much it hurt me to think about what she might be going through. She needed to realize how bad our relationship had become, so that she could truly work toward fixing it when we finally resumed contact.

Your grandparents seem like wonderful people, so I would arrange a visit with them and ask if it would be possible to stay with them instead of with your dad. Then, I would call your dad and mention that you will be visiting your grandparents. Tell him when exactly you're planning to visit, so he can't accuse you of avoiding him/not giving him enough advance notice. Offer to meet with him, then leave the rest up to him. If he chooses to make the effort by taking time off from work in order to be with you, great! If he doesn't, then at least he can't accuse you of failing to make the effort on your end.

As far as the medication goes, I would get in contact with local non-profit/community clinics and learn more about their "sliding scale" fees for medicine. Basically, you only pay what you can afford at the time, and you don't even need insurance! There are ways to get the medication you need at a decent cost, without having to rely on your dad.






   
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
SparklingWine Offline
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Re: I can't talk to him. - April 13th 2011, 09:41 PM

I have to agree with Robin. Your father is not acting like an adult. Sometimes, others will put people down because it makes them feel better. You seem to be really scared of your father, and I don't think that you should put yourself in a position like that. The relationship between you and your father is obviously very unhealthy. If he isn't going to step up and act like the adult, then you should. You're 19, don't let your father hold you back from doing or saying things. If you don't want to see him, then don't. He has put a world of pain on you, and you didn't do anything to deserve it.

I think that you should go see your grandparents, but not see your dad if you don't want to. I know you don't want him to be hurt, but is it worth you suffering? Your dad seems very selfish, and you seem really giving and caring. For once, do what you want to do. you're 19, you have a say. Let him be hurt, because I am pretty sure that he has put you in a lot more pain. I'm not saying to get revenge on him, I'm just saying that you need to do what's going to be best for you. I really think you should do what Robin suggested, and stay with your grandparents. Plan the visit through them, and not your father. Like robin said, call your dad and explain that you will be staying with your grandparents and if he would like to see you, then that's where you will be. Because I don't think he will put you down if your in a house with his parents. Let him make the effort to see you. If he really wants to see you, he will.

Hang in there<3


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