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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Post Way to long for most to read, the adventures of my parents and Walrus man. - April 10th 2011, 02:33 AM

This thread has been labeled as non-PG13 by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for younger users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Okay well, I didn't really start this expecting anyone to read it so here it goes.
Dear: World
Sometimes I wonder why you put me here, I don't seem to be affecting anyone's life very much. In fact I'm pretty sure that most of the time I bring people down, but I guess that's just part of life sometimes. I wish that my parents didn't have to fight. I wish that I didn't have to hear my mom talking through two doors to her best friend about a fight that she and my dad had. I can tell my friends but that only goes so far. At a certain point it's me left alone with a 12 year old sister who wonders which parent she would live with and a 10 year old brother that's oblivious to it all.
I bought a bracelet yesterday, it says "a home is built with love". It reminds me that my parents had to of wanted this life once, to make it for me and my siblings.
They're never honest, with themselves or with us, and that hurts a lot. Talking to my mom the other day she told me that it's a very hard decision to make, if she and my dad should stay together or not. I don't think it is. When you've gone to couples therapy for a year and a half and nothing has changed other than a handful of "techniques" that are getting you through the day, I think something should really change.
Mom kissed another man. And she still sees him, semi-regularly, we talked about it the other day. She says that he is one of her best friends and good moral support. Which I find funny considering he's one of the main problems behind their marriage. When we talked about it she told me that she doesn't go to see him to upset Dad. But she knows that it will and she still goes. I think that's ridiculous.
She complains constantly to me about the state of their relationship (her's and my dad's that is) and then does these things that she knows for a fact will cause trouble between them. My dad has never said one bad thing about them other than he wants their marriage to stay together.
I wish that they would just get a divorce. It sounds harsh, but I have siblings to think about, and having my mom pass on this feeling to my sister and then possibly my brother, is unbearable. I have to come home every day after hearing in the car on the way to school about the latest thing my dad has done to my mom to upset her. I listen all the time to the way that she is "holding out" until my dad has his first therapy appointment alone.
She tells me about how my dad has relationship problems because of what happened to his parents, they got a divorce and now Mom says that Dad is paranoid. I would be concerned too if my wife was going to lunch with the man she cheated on me with.
Did I mention that this man is married? With two kids? Well he is. And it isn't fair to them either.
Plus he looks like a walrus.
My Mom has this thing that she does whenever you confront her about ANYTHING. She makes you seem stupid. I don't know why she feels the need to constantly justify every single thing that she does but after a while, even she knows that it's running in circles. I ask a lot of questions, which seems hypocritical I'm sure. I would just rather know than not. If she is going out with Walrus man again, I hate to think about the fact that they were probably doing more than just having lunch, but at least I know to be nicer to my dad.
I've seen my dad cry more times in the past year than I had before in my life. And he isn't ashamed of it anymore. He has no Walrus man.
I know it sounds like I'm on my Dad's side here, and in a lot of ways I am. Mostly though, I'm on my side. I want everything to be okay, not shitty and broken. In the end I'm guessing they will get divorced, I feel like there's an egg times on my parent's marriage, but strangely enough, a divorce would make things a lot less broken than they are now. No more pretending like nothing is wrong in front of everyone.
I don't think my mom was going to tell me about her Walrus man date originally. However she did because I left a McDonalds ice cream wrapper in her car. It turns out that she and the Walrus had gone out to lunch there the other day and when my dad saw the wrapper he told her (and I'm quoting this as she told me) "keep Walrus mans* shit out of my car". *Obviously I'm not going to use his real name, not that anyone will ever read this but it isn't really my place to let him be judged by anyone else.
What I find so wrong about the whole situation is that my mom pretends like the fact that she kissed a married man with kids isn't wrong at all. Whenever I ask her about the situation, his, you know, wife, never really seems to come up.
What really puts the icing on the cake of this weird drama though, is my mom was driving the other day and wanted me to text her friend back, I couldn't help but notice Walrus man's name in the previous conversation.
"I haven't seen *Walrus man* since my birthday and it's all very difficult". Really...? I understand that the man is one of her best friends but if she's more concerned about seeing this man than fixing the crap hole that is known as her marriage, she needs to re-evaluate the way that she's looking at things.
I asked her the other day if she would rather be married to my dad or be able to be friends with Walrus man, she went silent and that was how we finished the meal.
You tell me world, what am I, a nearly fifteen year old girl, supposed to do?
I can't tell my mom to stop telling me about Walrus man, because I know she wouldn't want to stop and I feel the need to hear about the saga of my parents and the bearded wonder.
That is my rant for today world. See you soon.
-Me
   
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Re: Way to long for most to read, the adventures of my parents and Walrus man. - April 10th 2011, 04:43 AM

It seems from my perspective that your mother's actions are indeed the main cause of trouble in the relationship. It is definitely wrong of her what she is doing, and also that you are being pulled into this as well. I think that if divorce is not being considered at all, maybe marriage counseling may be of benefit here?
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Re: Way to long for most to read, the adventures of my parents and Walrus man. - April 10th 2011, 07:56 PM

Therapy isn't going to do diddly-squat if your mom keeps doing whatever she wants to do with "Walrus Man". Frankly, your mom is being selfish. She is fulfilling her own desires (whether they be emotional, sexual, or both) and trying to justify it somehow. In her mind, she's probably turning your father/her husband into the villain and "Walrus Man" into the hero. In her mind, she is the victim in this whole situation, and she is entitled to seek out "Walrus Man" for comfort. When you directly confront her about the state of her marriage and the nature of her relationship with "Walrus Man", however, she can't justify her actions to YOU, her daughter, and that is why she remains silent.

At this point, if you feel divorce would be better for everyone involved, I would talk to your dad instead. Highlight how unhappy he is and how torn you children are. I don't know why he's staying with your mom despite her infidelities - it could be because he hopes she'll change her mind and "get over 'Walrus Man'" after a while, or it could be because he wants to stay together "for the sake of the children". I do think you should vocalize how you're feeling to your dad, though, not just your mom.

I am truly sorry to hear about your current situation. I wish you and your family all the best, whatever the outcome may be.






   
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Re: Way to long for most to read, the adventures of my parents and Walrus man. - April 10th 2011, 07:58 PM

Seems very stressful xx
I'm sure things will work out, one way or another. Hang in there and try and be there for them. Is there anyone you could talk to ?
   
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Re: Way to long for most to read, the adventures of my parents and Walrus man. - April 11th 2011, 03:13 AM

I've been through three parent divorces (almost four) so i completely empathasize with you. This might not be the easiest advice to hear but I'm going to say it anyways. You really need to talk to your mom and tell her it's inappropriate how she is handling this situation. You are a kid yourself (granted you are acting more adultlike than herself) and you shouldn't have to handle this. This is a problem between your mom and your dad and she doesn't need to project it onto you. I am also the oldest and when my parents divorced when I was nine, everything fell on me. Both sides told me all their problems. I have since been severly depressed because I feel like it's my job to handle things like this, but I'm starting to realize that they were wrong. I was a child. They took my childhood. I hope things work out, you don't deserve the stress. Please talk to her, she needs to realize how this affects you and how it's unfair for you to deal with when it's her problem. I know how these conversations go, I know they can be hard. But you are obviously a strong girl, you can do it. PM me anytime if you need more advice, or just to vent. Best of luck!
   
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Re: Way to long for most to read, the adventures of my parents and Walrus man. - April 11th 2011, 07:01 PM

Your mom sounds a lot like my mom. My mom had an affair with a married man who happened to be her DECEASED husbands best friend and band mate. You seem to be thinking logically about this, and that's a good thing. Your mom seems to b eoff doing her own thing, and blind to the world going on around her. I think, like Robin said, talk to your dad. Tell him that you think a divorce would be better for the family. But keep in mind- you don't have to fix it all. At some point you're going to have to separate yourself from your parents drama, and focus on your siblings and yourself. Instead of trying to get your parents to divorce, or keeping your mom from seeing Walrus Man, take your sibling out of the house to distract them from everything going on. Play games with them, teach them things, etc. They are going to need their older sister, and they are going to look up to you next when they don't feel they can look up to your parents. I know divorce is hard, but hang in there<3


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Re: Way to long for most to read, the adventures of my parents and Walrus man. - April 12th 2011, 12:07 AM

Hi you guys thank you so much for all the responses. To answer some of the questions, I go see a counsler usually once a week. I have a lot of support from my aunts and friends as well. Today my mom made another remark saying "your dad doesn't know what he wants". Because he's throwing a party with his friends. Ughh, I really do appreciate everyone taking the time to read all that, I wasn't originally going to post it on here so it became a little...wordy. I try to talk to my mom a lot about the situation..granted I know it's hard on her as well. I just wish that they could figure out what's best. Sometimes I just feel like crap and need somewhere to vent and I'm so glad to have people like you guys. Thank you so much.
   
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