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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Twisted Offline
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Always bringing up the past. - April 18th 2011, 12:24 PM

This isn't a major issue, but it still bothers me. Basically it feels like whenever I meet up with my friends as a group, things about my past nearly always get brought up and it's embarrassing especially when there are people there who don't really know me. It was my friends birthday on Saturday and we all went out on the night for it. While we were at my friends house before we went out, there were at least 2 different things about my past which got brought up.

Ill admit I have done some silly, stupid and amusing (for other people) things in the past. All of it in fact happened at least over 2 years ago now, before I met my boyfriend. But I hate the fact that something gets brought up, everyone laughs and I have to sit there laughing along whilst feeling terribly embarrassed at the same time. I always say how it was a long time ago as if I'm trying to justify my actions but do I need to? I'm not proud of some of the things that I've done and do wish I'd been a bit smarter back then, but the past is in the past and I'm a completely different person now.

I wouldn't mind but most of my friends have done things in the past, some of it would be considered a lot worse compared to some of the things that I've done. Why is it always me who has to get reminded of the things I did, why can't other people get embarrassed as well? If I tell them that it bothers me it will most likely result in them telling me not to be so serious. It's just annoying.
   
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Re: Always bringing up the past. - April 18th 2011, 01:00 PM

Try to talk to them about you are not really enjoy being made fun of.You need to take a stand and as friends they should understand and respect your request but if they did not do that than they are not really your friends.


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Re: Always bringing up the past. - April 20th 2011, 08:43 PM

I'm sorry that your past keeps getting brought up. I think that you should interject when they start talking about your past, and tell them that you would prefer to not talk about your past. You can even talk to each person invidually and ask them not to bring up your past. It might be easier to get through to them if you do it one person at a tme. Also, when your past is being brought up, you can try changing the subject. That's probably what I would do. And if you DO talk to them individually, you can ask them to change the subject too if your past gets brought up. :]


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Re: Always bringing up the past. - April 21st 2011, 03:55 AM

Hey there,

Being embarrassed is never fun, I feel you. And I understand it's a lot more frustrating if you're trying to transition into a different person and leaving your past remnants behind. In that case, you don't want to be reminded if the person you were before. And so it seems like this transition right now is more of a personal achievement than it is a public one because your friends aren't catching on that you're a different person now, being insensitive and bringing up episodes from your past.

But actually, in my humble opinion: in order for you to have a peace of mind, you can't be bothered by these situations. I know it's not what you want to hear, but hear me out.

It's not emotionally feasible for you to have an aversion to your past mistakes because of situations like these. You'll just be unhappy down the road everytime it gets brought up- which means that you're not at peace with yourself.. and if you were a completely different person, you would be.

So I think the right way to go is to come to terms with this mentally. I know it's hard to realize now, but in five or so years down the road, it'll be a lot easier for you to accept your past actions and actually laugh at them. Think about it, if you yourself are a different person, why should you be bothered by them bringing it up and being ashamed about it? If I were a 35 year old man, and my friends laughed at the stupid things I did as a 13 year old, I shouldn't be ashamed because or else I'd be essentially stuck in my 13 year old mindset. This brings me to my next point...

In a way, you're not really transitioning into a different person if you have this kind of aversion to your past mistakes because you're not at terms with them; essentially, you're in a way HANGING on to things from your past even though you've moved on from them in terms of time. If you really want to be a completely different person, you need to let go if this aversion to the past mistakes. To put it simply, it really is a matter of not being so serious about it.

And no, you don't have to justify your actions to your friends because if you're a different person now, you just need to show them that you're different by laughing along with them. This sends the message that: 1. you're not bothered by it, 2. you're so far removed from these mistakes because you can laugh about it. IF I were your friend and I were laughing at your past mistakes in that very room, and I saw you becoming embarrassed and flushed, it would send me a message that it still bothers you, and, as I've said above, if you were a different person you wouldn't be bothered by it. And the truth of the matter is, that your friends are laughing at those mistakes means that they don't really care about who you were before; because they're laughing at it! Think about it, if you did something so terrible and they brought it up now, they wouldn't laugh at it if it was ACTUALLY terrible of you. But it's not. It's funny, it's something worth sharing, and you should be laughing too because the fact that they laugh at it means that YOU don't need to be ashamed about it because they're not. They're not serious about it, why should you? It's like being self conscious about the way your hair looks in public. 90% of the people don't actually take notice or care, so why should you?

I'll try to put this in perspective again. Do you want to be a grandmother who's embarrassed by her past mistakes? Unwilling to bring them up to her closest loved ones? It's not emotionally feasible and it's not the right way living your life.

Case in point: I have a friend who's in the workforce working in the hospital. His daughter died in a horrendously tragic accident that I couldn't even fathom WHY or HOW he told me without breaking down. The fact that he DID tell me about it in minute detail (and trust me, the details were very tragic), means that this experience of his life does not bother him anymore, that he's moved on from it and he's able to talk about it freely. In fact, the only reason he brought it up was because I asked him if he had children (because he looks old enough to have them, and this is quite a common question as adults). Imagine what he has to go through, he's probably asked this question frequently. Imagine if he WASN'T over this past experience, he'd be in agony everytime someone asked him that question, of "Do you have kids?" - That's what I mean by emotional feasibility - if you're going to have this kind of reaction every time someone wants to know about your past - you won't be as happy as you could be...

EDIT: Another addition, my apologies as I'm having a serious case of run-on thinking tonight: Another thing to think about it. Say you did poorly on a test. You want to do well on the next one. In order to do well on the next one you have to be able to study your mistakes in detail and be able to talk about those mistakes and not be afraid of discussing what you did wrong. If you don't want to bring up those mistakes because you don't want to think about it, you won't be able to do as well as you could on the next test. The parallels between this and your situation is obvious, and I think you know what I mean by now.

I hope that helped,
D

Last edited by Finches; April 21st 2011 at 04:04 AM.
   
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