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drifter Offline
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Name: Dannielle Lorraine
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stuck in the middle - April 22nd 2011, 06:43 PM

My situation is is getting frustrating. My parents are in the middle of a bitter diviorce, my sister and I live with mom. We had to move a lot because of him.
Now mom and my sister are NOT getting along at all. She is 12 and very independent. Well, it is mostly my sisters fault for it because she just would not help with things around the house. BUT I am certain the divorce has affected her and mom too. Mom works two jobs to support us, and and a result not home too much and we ( sis and I ) have to do the housework. Last week they had a BIG blow out, niether of them are talking to each other except for the times they argue. The arguements are getting visuous. swearing and throwing things.
Last night I caught my sister sneaking out(to run away) I managed to talk to her to stay and I will talk to mom to try to calm things down.
Ok so what and how can I talk to mom and my sister to work things out. I am out of ideas. I am also upset over this and don't even know I can moderate this. Please any suggestions will be appreciated.
   
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Re: stuck in the middle - April 22nd 2011, 06:50 PM

Dannielle,

First of all, I want you to know that I'm very sorry for your situation. I understand how it feels to be in the cross fire of sibling and parent fights. Family members are going to but heads with each other once in a while, but I think that your situation has escalated beyond that. It sounds like your mom is giving into the argument, and is also fueling the fire. Have you tried talking to your mom about this? I think that you should mention how all this is making you feel. If your mom were to stop arguing back with your sister, eventually the tension would die back down to nothing. Of course it's going to pick back up, but if your mom stands firm, then it will seem better. Your sister is young, so she isn't going to know how to handle her emotions in a mature way. She is probably upset with the divorce, and arguing is her only outlet. She is also going through puberty, and girls at that age can become defiant. I think you need to remember that you can't always be the mediator. You can't always fix things, especially if it has nothing to do with you. You're not going to be able to stop the fighting completely, so might as well make due with what you have. When they start fighting, turn on music or take a walk. It might help you to clear your head and feel better.


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Re: stuck in the middle - April 22nd 2011, 10:33 PM

Unfortunately, you can only expect so much from the average 12-year-old girl who is under a considerable amount of stress. Your sister may know that she should do chores around the house in order to help your mom... but due to her level of maturity, she is bound to focus on herself more often than not, telling herself that "it's not fair". Many people never truly understand the concept of "teamwork", and your sister probably won't fully grasp it until she's around your age!

I think it would be great if you talked to your mom, then requested a family meeting. Together, try to come up with a list of things that you argue about, what causes you to argue about them, and how you can resolve your conflicts as a family. For example:

The argument: Mom and sister argue about chores.
The cause: Your sister doesn't do her chores... OR it could be something entirely unrelated. It's important to distinguish between direct/indirect causes for arguments.
The resolution: Your sister does her chores... OR you address the unrelated issues that are indirectly causing these arguments.






   
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Re: stuck in the middle - April 24th 2011, 08:22 PM

thank you both for your comments and suggestions. I will try that.
Thier arguing must stop, for everyones sake.
   
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