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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Third Wheel? - March 6th 2009, 10:51 PM

Sometimes I just don't know where I stand with my friends, while we do hang out and have fun like anyone else, there are times when they just make me depressed. I feel like a third wheel in the relationship, whenever they're immersed in conversation I have to push to be included. It's hard to explain but instead of talking with me it's more like they're talking at me. It's always the little things like tone of voice, they way they glance at each other when I'm talking and the way they ignore my ideas that really upsets me. The thing is I just smile and nod cause I don't want to make a scene over something so trivial. But then I go home and I hate myself, that I don't even have the self confidence to be free and happy in the closest social group I have. I'm not usually like this, when I'm with friendly associates I'm outgoing and funloving, but with these friends I feel like they expect me to crawl back into my shell, because that's the way they've always known me. What should I do in this situation? I've known them for years and they still invite me out, but sometimes I just can't take the feeling of exclusion.
   
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Re: Third Wheel? - March 6th 2009, 10:53 PM

I know what you mean and you should still make an effort to join in the conversation. However, there is no need to accept every invitation you get. Decline to go out if you don't feel like it. All you can do is really try and get in there more
   
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Re: Third Wheel? - March 7th 2009, 11:37 AM

Hey Julie,

I know how you feel. Maybe your friends don't realize they're making you feel like this. Honestly, if I were you, I'd confront one of them. Someone that you feel would be honest with you and keep your concerns to themselves. If you don't feel comfortable asking, then try and put yourself out there. It isn't the end of the world if you get a little embarrassed. Sometimes, you need to put yourself out there if you ever want to get anything back. I know it can be hard when you feel like they don't include you at all, but things won't always be like that. People aren't always going to look out for you and include you in everything. You need to do that on your own sometimes. Take the first step. Also, maybe join a team or something like that. Try and stray from these people sometimes. Do something you enjoy and make new friends there. This way, you have them to fall back on when you're feeling sad about your current group. I hope this helped a little bit. If you need anything, let me know.

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Last edited by SimplyComplex; March 7th 2009 at 11:38 AM. Reason: Spelling :D
   
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Re: Third Wheel? - March 8th 2009, 12:57 AM

I agree with Melissa on this; if you're feeling excluded and you've felt like this for a while, you may naturally act like you're already outside without noticing it. And the only way you can be sure of whether your friends know that they're doing this to you is to ask. If they get hostile with you or make you feel even worse, maybe take a break from them and find people that are more friendly that can bring you out of that shell. However, it's also possible that they had no clue you feel like this, and while that may be awkward it will improve your friendship overall since they'll know what's wrong. Lastly, I agree that you should keep putting yourself out there (in general, not just in their conversations) so that you don't miss anything. If you try, at least you know that you did everything you could. Take care, and PM me if you want to talk!

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Re: Third Wheel? - March 8th 2009, 07:44 AM

Thanks for the advice guys. I have tried talking to them about it, well not all of them, just one. She sorta denied it and said it was all in my head, it didn't end up changing anything. I don't want to ask again and look like a paranoid idiot, besides I think I'm probably going to get the same answer. Would it be right if I leave this relationship? I'm aware they may not know how I feel and maybe I am way too sensitive. It's just that I feel invisible when I'm with them and it hurts me that they don't seem to care. They have other friends outside the group too who I know don't think much of me. Sometimes those other friends would refer to me as a loser infront of them and they won't say anything. This is a situation which under normal circumstances I would have defended myself, but I can't infront of them, if anyone can understand what I mean. I feel pathetic and inferior and honestly sometimes I'd rather be alone than with them. But then they call me up like we're still friendly and ask me out, and I can't say no. I wish I could just label them as vicious friends and be over it. I'm I horrible for thinking that?
   
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Re: Third Wheel? - March 8th 2009, 04:43 PM

Hey Julie,

I don't think you should leave this friendship, but I do think you should look into making some new ones as well. Keep this one at school and everything, but gradually start talking to other people in class and such. It might be a good idea to make friends out of school as well by finding a club, group, team, or volunteer position you'd be interested in. Having friends outside of this group will probably make you feel a lot better and more comfortable with yourself.

I don't think it's fair that they are acting this way towards you. Find some other people to hang out with as well and things will start getting better.

Nat.


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Re: Third Wheel? - March 9th 2009, 04:20 AM

I know exactly what your talking about. My two best friends went out. I like how you said it, "talking at me". That's exactly how it's like they don't care at all about the conversation with you, but they'll still humor you.

I would say stay away, it's their loss. If they want to talk to you they will have to make some time.
   
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Re: Third Wheel? - March 9th 2009, 04:40 PM

I don't really think you should ditch them completely, but don't make them your priority or best friends anymore. If they decide that they want more of your attention, they'll have to work for it and make you feel better then they do right now. Try to join clubs (as has been said) and talk to people in your other classes that don't disrespect you like they seem to. You're not in the wrong by wanting a healthier friendship; we look for friends and companions because we like being with them. If you dont' like being around them, give it a break and find a better group for you. If you really want to, still hang out with the old crowd but don't always be available for them. They have their other friends, and you can have yours.


When you say "never", I'll say "lie"
When you say "always", I'll say "true"
When you say "love", I'll say "you"
I'll say "you"

It gets better.
   
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Re: Third Wheel? - March 9th 2009, 09:47 PM

Once again thank you all for the replies, I have decided to slowly edge away without creating too much drama by completely breaking from the relationship. However I certainly won't choose to hang out with those particular people anymore. We've had a history but I think we've grow apart, especially in the last few years. Finding new friends are gonna be hard, but it'll happen in it's own time. =)
   
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