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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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pitawindstar Offline
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My best friend hates me. - April 29th 2011, 10:54 PM

My best friend means the world to me but because of some mistakes I made she won't talk to me anymore and I'm not sure what to do.

Warning, incoming long story.

We used to talk every day, and we had so much trust in each other. If she was upset I'd stay up until the early hours of the morning on the phone until I knew she was okay, and she'd do the same for me. We had so many inside jokes and a pair of best friend necklaces too. People thought we were sisters. Having her as a friend was the best thing that ever happened to me.

But then things started getting bad. We would get in arguments over little things that didn't even matter. Everything changed one day when I made a horrible mistake. She happened to text me when I was really angry at something else so I totally snapped at her, telling her to screw off and that I didn't want to talk. She obviously got really upset and I realized what I did. I apologized and tried to make it up to her but I could tell that we were never the same after that. I'm not defending what I did at all and I understand how she'd be mad but I made a mistake.

After that we still talked for a while but these arguments kept getting worse. I've called her a bitch before, more than once. I didn't mean to at all but in the heat of an argument I just snap. It's how I am. The final blow was one night when I was up at 2am crying because I asked out my crush of 7 months and he said no. I texted her and asked her to call me because I was upset and she told me that she never wanted to hear from me again. We haven't really talked since. We did once but it made things worse rather than better.

It's been nearly 5 months and I miss my best friend so much, more than I can say. I don't know what to do. I've been told to wait but I don't see how time will change this situation. Just thinking about what I did makes me want to cry. I understand how there's going to be some lost trust here but I just want my best friend back. I've never been so close to anyone else. Any ideas?
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Re: My best friend hates me. - April 29th 2011, 11:21 PM

I know it's hard to control yourself when you're angry/upset... but personally, if one of my friends called me a b*tch, or anything along those lines, I probably wouldn't be friends with them anymore. You know why? Because no matter how angry/upset someone is, I truly do believe that they can remain in control of themselves. Some people can't - they have anger management problems, or behavioral problems, or they might be under the influence of alcohol/drugs - but the average person should be able to stop themselves from saying those hurtful words. So when you say, "it's how I am", that sends the following message to your friend: you are either refusing to control yourself (which implies you have a choice), or you're denying that you have a problem and aren't seeking help for it.

At this point, I honestly don't know if anything you say or do will make a difference. You have to be willing to admit you made mistakes - that's the first step. The second step is to change - both for your sake and your friend's sake. That takes time AND effort. Waiting around for five months won't get you anywhere. The best way to show your friend that you've changed, and that you're worthy of her friendship again, is to move on with your life and treat the people around you with love and respect, regardless of what may be stressing you out. If you change and approach your friend afterward, giving her time to observe you and asking her to reconsider her stance once she's seen the improvement in your behavior, then she may decide it's worth taking a chance with you again. She won't do that if she's afraid you'll just hurt her again, though. Saying "sorry" isn't always enough. You need to SHOW you're sorry as well, and that it won't happen again. Basically, you shouldn't have to say "sorry" for making the same mistake twice.

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