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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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charmbraceletxo Offline
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Should I move back home? - May 3rd 2011, 08:58 PM

So, as some of you may already know, I've been living in off-campus housing for the past ten months or so. Needless to say, my contract is up in a couple of weeks, and I'm debating as to whether or not I should return home for the summer. To put it into context for you, my parents and I (particularly me and my dad) have a horrible relationship--so much in fact that I suspect I may have borderline-personality disorder and am requiring therapy. I used to be a chronic self-injurer--in addition to the fact that I used to have depression and an eating disorder (and I've no doubt that my dysfunctional family dynamics played an enormous part in helping to manifest those problems). Since having moved away from home, I definitely feel that I've realized a more genuine sense of self (although I regrettably admit that I endured many trials and tribulations in the process). I have the option of staying with my boyfriend at his apartment (which is approximately an hour away from where I go to school)--however, the thing is that my aunt and uncle (who are Catholic/Christian) have lent me some money for the remaining part of my tuition (the part that my financial aid doesn't pick up), as well as textbooks--and I fear that they'll gravely disapprove of my decision to live with my boyfriend for a few months (although I fully intend on working throughout the summer so as to alleviate any excess loans that I may have to take from them). They're fully aware of the magnitude of my family problems, and my aunt has even offered me their extra bedroom in their own home--but to be frank, I feel as though that'd be taking great advantage of them...and they live up against the maintains, and seeing as how I don't have a car, getting to and from a potential job there would be incredibly difficult. Also, I wouldn't put it past my dad to walk to my boyfriend's house (which is, essentially, right around the block) and tattle on me to my boyfriend's parents (who are INCREDIBLY strict--and I highly doubt that they'd appreciate me living with their son meanwhile they pay for his living expenses). I've offered to chip in in terms of bills and whatnot, but my boyfriend absolutely won't allow it--he says that this whole thing would have to be discrete...so if his parents decide to come up to visit him, I'd have to bail for a few hours.

So, my question is, what is the best way to approach this situation? I'm not trying to create an excuse for living with my boyfriend--it's genuinely emotionally-taxing to live at home. And, I feel that I should make mention of the fact that my parents contribute nothing to my educational endeavors or living expenses--I fund myself entirely (with the exception of the loan that my aunt and uncle have provided me). The way I see it, I'm 21 years old--and if my parents think I'm mature enough to take care of myself almost entirely, then I believe that I'm mature enough to make the decision to not return home (which they don't really want, anyway).
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Re: Should I move back home? - May 4th 2011, 09:10 AM

I really don't think that you have much of a choice in this, from a practical point of view. You almost need to stay with your boyfriend. Because the household you're in right now sounds quite stable, I see no reason why it shouldn't continue to function just fine.

If you go back home, you'll be reintroduced to all of your old problems that you had just spent so many months coping with and getting past. Essentially, you'd be back at square one. It really is better for your physical and mental health to avoid that environment at all (practical) costs. If this means getting heat from your family over their disapproval of your current living arrangements, so be it. A brief and simple explanation or clarification of your reasons should be enough to deter any serious speculation over your reasons for staying with your boyfriend.

You also mentioned that your aunt had offered you a room. While that's very generous of her, you also say that it's impractical do to commuting and not owning a car. You should openly acknowledge that with her. Tell her that you're quite grateful for the offer, but other circumstances in your life make it unconventional to do that at this point. Keep in mind that you should be at the top of your interests list right now, because there's little you can do to or for anyone else if you yourself are in such a state of uncertain and unstable living.


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Re: Should I move back home? - May 4th 2011, 06:55 PM

I do feel your aunt and uncle deserve to hear your reasoning (if you don't give any explanation whatsoever, they may assume the worst). What I would do is conduct a bit of research - what kinds of jobs are you looking for? How much would they pay? Are there any jobs like those near your aunt's and uncle's house? If it turns out there are no opportunities to work, you can explain this to them. It doesn't have to be about "sinning" by living with your boyfriend - it can be about basic survival, and doing what you have to in order to make ends meet. If there ARE jobs near your aunt's and uncle's house, however... well, then it might look like you're fishing for reasons to live with your boyfriend, which probably won't sit well with them. Basically, just think about how you want to approach the subject and break the news to the people you care most about. If you don't care about your parents, then what they might say or do is of no concern to you. They haven't been supporting you (emotionally and financially) like your aunt, uncle, and boyfriend have been.

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Re: Should I move back home? - May 5th 2011, 10:37 PM

Thanks, Casey--on a practical note, I absolutely agree with you. Nevertheless, as PSY said, I owe it to my aunt and uncle to earn their acceptance and approval (especially when they are being so generous as to lend me money to go to such an expensive school as USC, y'know?). In any case, I feel that the best, most responsible thing for me to do is devise a definitive plan for my summer work-situation--and if I can present that to them, they'll be a bit more gracious about it). This doesn't go without saying that my aunt is very Catholic--however, without going into much detail, I find it necessary to disclose the fact that my eldest female cousin DID in fact have a child outside of wedlock...and my other cousin used to spend weekends with her ex-boyfriend a couple of hours away (during their visitations). I hate making mention of those details, because I feel as though I'm disrespecting them--but hopefully, it'll contextual the situation a bit, and thus, allow for clearer advice and decision making. It's merely that I get SOOO scared in even thinking about telling them. I mean, I COULD technically go home, but where will I put my belongings? Where will I sleep? I don't have a place in my old bedroom anymore--and when I've gone home for short visits, I've been sleeping on an air mattress and storing my belongings in plastic bags (and my grandmother, who my family and I live with--well, for me, used to live--is very, um, nit-picky about everything--which is fine and everything, but I feel that it'll just manifest more stress). Sigh. I don't know :/
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