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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
xxpaigiexx Offline
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My friend is so inconsiderate. - May 30th 2011, 09:13 PM

My friend has been with her boyfriend for well over a year. Don't get me wrong I'm happy she's found someone she loves. She is so wrapped up in him it's unreal.
Earlier today she called me practically begging me to stay round her house tonight and go to the hospital with her early in the morning tomorrow, I agreed and said I would come with her.
She rings back an hour before I'm supposed to go to hers and says not to worry about coming to stay because her boyfriend was staying round.
It annoys me because I move my plans around so that I can be there for her for her to blow me off.
She does it all the time. If her boyfriend asks her to jump she says how high.
One of my other friends and me were round her house the other day and she was like 'I'm going to have to kick you guys out in half an hour' because her boyfriend had asked to come round, is it me or is this not right. You know she has no consideration for us. She asks me to come over and I shouldn't feel like I'm always being rushed out of her house, I'd understand if she told me in advance that she had made plans with her boyfriend, not have her plan to see him whilst I'm there and then just drop me.

I'm pissed off. When she calls tomorrow morning to try and wake me up I'm not answering and I'm not bothering to go to the hospital with her.
Why should I make the effort? She doesn't act considerately towards me so what is the bloody point.

How do I get through to her and make her see how rude and inconsiderate she is being, without getting into an argument about it.
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: My friend is so inconsiderate. - May 30th 2011, 10:27 PM

As long as you phrase everything carefully, I don't see why it would result in an argument. If there IS an argument, then that's indicative of your friend's lack of maturity, and you can't really blame yourself for the argument.

I would take her to the hospital tomorrow morning. Just because she's been a jerk doesn't mean you have to retaliate. While driving her to the hospital, however, or after arriving at the hospital, I would have a conversation about how you feel. Put this in your own words, of course, but here'a a rough idea of how you could clearly address your concerns without accusing her of being a terrible friend.

"[Friend], I really enjoy spending time with you; however, when I feel like I have to leave your house because your boyfriend wants to come over, I feel [emotion]. If he's coming over, I would like to know ahead of time, so we can plan things accordingly. If he comes over at the last minute, I'd like to at least stick around for a while and spend time with the both of you, so I don't feel like I'm being kicked out of your house.

In addition, I feel [emotion] when you make plans with me, then cancel because your boyfriend is coming over. I love to help you out by taking you to the hospital, but it sucks when I have to re-arrange my schedule to make time, only to have our plans cancelled. Again, I would like to at least spend time with you while your boyfriend is visiting, so I don't feel [emotion] after our plans are cancelled."






   
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Re: My friend is so inconsiderate. - May 30th 2011, 10:37 PM

That's a frustrating situation. I've been there, too, and ultimately it was that issue that lead to the fight that ended a 12 year friendship (and, ironically, my former friend's relationship with her boyfriend, too). I tried to solve the issue by hinting around at it, asking if her boyfriend would be around every single time we discussed making plans and such things. I thought subtlety would keep us from having an argument, but in the end I started getting too confrontational in my frustration. I had also tried to get other friends to help me out, but it seemed to just magnify the problem two-fold. It isn't a friendship I miss, but it was sad to see it end that way.

Obviously I'm not the best person to tell you what to do to avoid a fight, but I think you need to sit down and talk to her directly. You should explain exactly what the problem is, but try not to sound confrontational or argumentative. Maybe you could try asking her to consider your plans before she up and changes direction to spend time with her boyfriend. Tell her that it isn't always easy to change your plans with no warning, and you can't do that every time her boyfriend comes around. If she gets defensive, let it drop; try again some other time.

Best of luck! I hope it works out better for you than it did for me!

[Edit] Robin explained it better than I did.




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Re: My friend is so inconsiderate. - May 30th 2011, 11:11 PM

The frustrating thing is this is what happens every single time we make plans, after an hour or so she drops me. I'm sick of being used you know. I'm unemployed right now, so I don't have much to do, but I do have other friends and a boyfriend of my own so I do have other people to see and spend time with. I'd rather she just told me if she was going to see her boyfriend and such and such time, because then I wouldn't feel so miffed because she usually gives no pre-warning. It's just unfair when I plan to spend the day with her and then it's me that ends up at home alone and bored. She has no ambition and she's happy to be on benefits and this annoys me because I'm claiming nothing and actively looking for a job and you know for her it's too much effort to even come and visit me, if I ever want to see her it's me who goes to see her and she moans that I'm boring, because I don't mind doing it every once in a while but it would be nice if she bothered to come and see me every once in a while.

I'm going to leave going to the hospital with her later because I think if I go I'll probably just end up snapping at her.
I'm just fed up of it all really. I'm just going to leave it for a little while and let her contact me, because I'm fed up of trying with a friendship that she is obviously not bothered about. There's no point anymore. Don't get me wrong she has always been selfish but in the last couple of years it's just got worse and I'm sick of being used and then disposed of when she's bored or busy.
   
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Re: My friend is so inconsiderate. - May 30th 2011, 11:24 PM

Paige,

I understand what you're going through. I had a friend named Kelsee who did the exact same thing. I've also been on that side of the fence, where I've only wanted to spend time with my boyfriend. I think when it comes to relationships and friendships, it's hard to find a healthy balance between friends and partners. When you're with someone for so long, you tend to want to spend all your time with them. It's not fair to the other people in your life, but that's how things tend to happen. I completely agree with Robin, you should take your friend to the hospital, but afterwards you should talk to her. Tell her how much you love to spend time with her, and that you feel frustrated when she makes plans with you only to change them shortly after. Tell her what you want to see happen in the friendship. If she can't make an equal amount of effort, then it might be time to pull away from her. You deserve equality in a friendship. Take care<3


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Re: My friend is so inconsiderate. - May 31st 2011, 03:29 AM

Tell her pretty much just as how you said it on here. You're frustrated that you move your schedule around only to be quickly knocked away because the boyfriend is coming around. Tell her if she knows the boyfriend will come over, then it would be nice if you're told.

I would take her to the hospital even if you feel you'll get in a fight because it gives you a chance to talk with her when you have the upper hand. If you're the driver, you control where the car goes and how fast, so while she's in the car, no matter how the conversation goes, you're ultimately in control. You could even pull off to the side of the road and talk there. If the boyfriend wants to come in the car, it's up to you whether you want him in there but it couldn't hurt as he may not be aware you're being blown off as often and the emotional impact it has on you.

If she calls to have you come over, you could either go and risk being blown off or do two other possibilities. First, agree that you'll come over but blow her off and say you have to do something else or forgot you made plans with someone else. Second, you say you won't go over at all and if she wants to be with you, she has to come to your place. You can phrase it in a question, such as "could you come over here because you're never over here?". Third, talk to the boyfriend not to form a strong relationship with him, rather to hang out with the intent that she will call one of you and one or both of you go. The purpose isn't to steal him away but more to have both of them briefly switch places with you. Lastly, tell her you don't want to be with her because you feel the relationship is too strained and she is no longer valuing your company the way she used to by randomly shutting the door on your face without a second thought.


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Re: My friend is so inconsiderate. - May 31st 2011, 04:52 AM

After some sleep I'm feeling a little better about things. So I've decided I'm going to go with her today and when I feel like it's a good time I'll try and speak to her.
If I don't get through to her I'll leave it up to her to contact me.
   
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Re: My friend is so inconsiderate. - May 31st 2011, 05:55 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by xxpaigiexx View Post
After some sleep I'm feeling a little better about things. So I've decided I'm going to go with her today and when I feel like it's a good time I'll try and speak to her.
If I don't get through to her I'll leave it up to her to contact me.
Hey Paige,
I'm sorry that your friend is putting you through this. Everyone here has had some really valid points. When the time is right, let her know that you're upset that she keeps blowing you off. Remind her that guys come and go, but friends are forever. If she doesn't understand the concept, or when she realizes that because of her actions most of her friends are gone, she will be more aware of everyone's feelings. I've been there too, on both sides. But, the difference is, I chose to throw my friends away. They've hurt me too many times to even care, and now I have true friends that would be there for at the drop of a hat. . Just remember you always have friends here at TH. If you need anything, don't hesitate to let me know.











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Re: My friend is so inconsiderate. - May 31st 2011, 07:09 AM

I hope everything goes well with talking to her, I know how it feels to have a friend that ditches you for her boyfriend! :P. It sucks, but hopefully you two will work it out
   
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