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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Theres always someone. <3
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I just don't get it. - June 10th 2011, 01:59 AM

So to keep it brief, I've been dealing with a lot since September. Were I to explain it all I'd go on and on forever, plus I don't feel ready to put everything out in the open on here, at least quite yet. Anyway, even before everything that's happened I've had issues with self esteem and depression. And I started self harming shortly after everything in September.

My reason for posting is this:

I have a decent number of friends. I have my parents. I have my older brother. I have other relatives. But I can't talk to them about anything.
I just can't.
I feel like when I talk to anyone all I'm doing is complaining, when I know I have so much I should be grateful for.
A few friends noticed the cuts on my arm. When asked what happened, I just shrugged it off and said I didn't know. If anyone besides those few noticed, they said nothing. I act normal in school to avoid questions. I stay in my room at home whenever possible. I have a sinking suspicion that should I attempt to talk to any of these people about everything, they'll make it out like I'm being overly dramatic or something. Hell, maybe I am. I don't know.

But it's like a few days ago in English we got an assignment to write responses to questions about the class/your year in general (last assignment of the year; I'm on summer break now). And one of them was something along the lines of "If you could change one thing this year, what would it be, and why? Or if there was a situation/event/choice you could have changed, how would you change it and why?" well, immediately the worst event that happened this year came to mind. I guess I had a look of some sort on my face, because my friend asked me what was wrong. I pointed out the question to her and explained why I was upset over it once she said she didn't get it. She proceeded to roll her eyes and tell me "Well don't write about THAT situation."
It's not just her either. It's like every single one of my friends do similar things. I'm talking to one of them about something (even though not particularly important) and she up and starts talking to someone else.

My parents...good grief. It's like I don't exist. Unless I've done something wrong. Not to mention they're always finding some way to put me down, whether intentionally or unintentionally, I'm not sure.

It's gotten to the point where the only people who I feel I can talk to are two of my online friends. And I just have too many issues to burden them with. They say they don't mind, that they want to try and help, but even still...it's too much.

Am I the only person to ever feel like this? To be treated like this by "friends"? I don't even know what I'm asking here.


♪♫"The mirror only shows
The shell of what's below
You can't go on suffering
The illusion of control
It's time for letting go
You can't go on suffering
And now you know
Now you know"♪♫
'Now You Know' - 2Cents
Things get better.
Always keep fighting.
❤Feel free to PM/VM, or add me if you ever need a friend, or someone to talk to. I'm online quite often.
Add me on FB <--- apparently this is my creeper face.
   
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Re: I just don't get it. - June 11th 2011, 10:03 PM

Hello, Nikki!

People who are suffering from depression have a pretty good reason to complain - assuming that what you're doing IS actually complaining. Maybe it just FEELS like you're always complaining, when in reality, you're just trying to find ways to cope with your emotions. Verbal communication is a great way to convey how you're feeling, and I encourage you to keep doing so! In fact, do it more often, because right now, it sounds like you're holding back - or maybe you're not talking to empathic friends. Some friends are good for fun parties, and some friends are good for more serious conversations. Take some time to identify which friends would be best suited for serious conversations about your depression/self-harm, because I think talking to them could be the first major step toward recovery. That friend you mentioned in your post (from English class) didn't seem like the right type of friend to open up to, so look for someone else.

You brought up a good point - one or two friends can't handle all of your burdens. That's why it's important to create a NETWORK of supportive people, whether they be friends at school or friends online, guidance counselors or extended family members. I'm sorry your parents aren't receptive to your needs, but rest assured that they are NOT your only option. You've already opened up to us, so that's one option you can utilize when you need to share your burdens with other people. There are also friends you can attempt to open up to (again, try to evaluate how empathic your friends are), as well as adults who work at your school or have gotten to know you over the years. =)

I wish you all the best. Take care!






   
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
Theres always someone. <3
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Re: I just don't get it. - June 13th 2011, 04:55 AM

Thanks for taking the time to read all that (and reply), it really means a lot.

I guess maybe I'm not complaining really, maybe I do just feel as though I am...then again, I hardly know up from down nowadays, so it would seem! But you make a good point - I need to figure out which friends of mine are empathic, and which aren't. I suppose that's just become increasingly difficult for me, as I'm having trouble determining who even is a friend anymore /:

Again, thanks so much for taking the time to reply <3


♪♫"The mirror only shows
The shell of what's below
You can't go on suffering
The illusion of control
It's time for letting go
You can't go on suffering
And now you know
Now you know"♪♫
'Now You Know' - 2Cents
Things get better.
Always keep fighting.
❤Feel free to PM/VM, or add me if you ever need a friend, or someone to talk to. I'm online quite often.
Add me on FB <--- apparently this is my creeper face.
   
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