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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
chility Offline
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My Dad. Need advice. Is it wrong to hate him? - June 16th 2011, 04:46 PM

Idn I'm just a bit confused atm because I don't know if I'm being a dramatic teenager or if it's a problem or how much it is, I mean, I'm depressed at the moment because I want my dad to die and I need to be told whether I'm overreacting and being irrational or what. It's not anything major or distinguishing.
Well, here goes...

I hate him. That's somethig I can't change.
When I was younger he was very, very short tempered. He would shout a lot and my mum, brother and I were scared of him. Not like, physical violence or abuse or anything like that. He would just shout and shout until any one of us were crying. He was very dominating and possessive. We didn't get to choose what to watch on TV, nothing like that. He was always grumpy and he always got his own way, to an extreme.
He always did get very angry and he didn't realise his own strength and sometimes he'd hit us (not abuse, like I said, just quickly hitting me or my brother) and sometimes he'd push us over, or break things, etc, etc. And I remember being beaten to the floor when I was young but hey ho, he was very angry and a bit drunk.
He'd swear at us, at our friends. If he got angry, nothing could stop him. He was rude, selfish and greedy. If he wanted something, he'd take it. If something was in his way, he'd probably break it.
Anyways, he started to drink more and smoke more. And when I was 10 - 5 years ago - we watched him have a fit and nearly die, and he was diagnosed with a heart condition.
He couldn't be bothered to go to the medical assessment to see if he qualified for benefits, so he doesn't get any. He became unemployable. He stays at home all the time. Lost all his money, steals off my brother and I, but mostly my mother. Bullies her into giving him money to buy alcohol and ciggarettes with. Is often drunk, and sleeps most of the time. Has no friends, and is always at home. Still bullies us, is still rude, ungrateful and unpleasant.

Except the rest of my family seem so unnaffected. They don't act like anything's wrong. My brother's 12. He's not depressed. My mum hasn't thrown my dad out (but she's admitted she hasn't ''liked'' him for about 10 years) doesn't refuse him money, and talks as if she doesn't want him to die.
My friends think it's appalling that I want him to die all the time. When I was young, he got so angry he knocked down an inside wall of the house. Mum and I share a room. I remember one night he forced us to sleep on the living room floor and didn't let us in the bedroom. Can't remember why.

Is he 'bad' or am I just overreacting?
Sometimes I just say to myself that he's a bit bad tempered and he's ill and I have no reason to hate him. Maybe I don't. He just has a short temper and is a bully.
Can I hate him for this? It's not like he's been abusive or violent. It's nothing major. I don't think..

Sorry, just needed some kind of second opinion.
   
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Re: My Dad. Need advice. Is it wrong to hate him? - June 16th 2011, 05:56 PM

You have a right to your feelings no matter what they are. I'm not sure if you really want him dead or if you just want it all to stop, that's something that you'll have to figure out on your own. When something like this happens to a family, everyone develops their own ways of coping so it might not seem like they're being affected, but they are, they're just dealing with it differently. I think there's a difference between hating a person and hating what they do, how they act, or the things that make them the way they are. What he's doing, or at least what he has done, sounds like abuse from the outside looking in, and if that's the case, this is a very common reaction to what is happening and what has happened to you.


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Re: My Dad. Need advice. Is it wrong to hate him? - June 16th 2011, 07:16 PM

I guess. Thank you

I don't know if I can talk to mum about it. She always seems so.. calm about it? She told me that she would throw him out if he wasn't dying. But he's still shouting, he's stealing off us, pushing us around. He's now swearing at us, he calls us horrible names and he's really cruel to my little brother. He teases me about self harming and calls me a stupid cow and other things which I can't put on a public forum without a mature content warning. He also threatens to burn my animals alive, and shows no care about their welfare. When I was younger he threw slugs in my face, and other things, and locks me outside sometimes.
I hate him all the time and I can't stand him.

I just don't know what to do. I don't know whether to pretend I like him, I don't know how to deal with everyone acting they like him. I don't like how my friends stare at me in disgust when I admit that I don't like my father.
It's just so complicated
   
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Re: My Dad. Need advice. Is it wrong to hate him? - June 16th 2011, 07:42 PM

Your friends find it disgusting probably because they cannot relate and people are generally taught to love their parents, and the parents love the children. Your friends probably haven't experienced him as often as you do, so I wouldn't stress over them.

The only way I would say he could get tossed out is if there was added muscle there, ideally police and even then, have some police watch the house or you all move to a new location he doesn't know of. If police is not present, you would still need added muscle because he'll get angry as hell and you've already said the three of you are no match. There's plenty of muscle around, you just need to get people willing to help your situation and willing to get in a tussle with your father if one occurs. All of this assumes you have legal justification because he lives there, so if he gets illegally evicted, he'll come right back in and it's your mother who gets in trouble. Of course, he may get in trouble for his previous actions but now that leaves the two of you alone, something your mother wouldn't want.

Your mother is probably remaining calm for her sanity and she wants to ensure the family has some stability. If she goes bonkers, she knows her children will be affected even more and they too may go bonkers. I highly doubt she actually is calm, as it's a mask to ensure your father doesn't get mad and to keep you safe as possible. She's fearful about tossing him out because no doubt he would be pretty damn angry and would retaliate. She says she would do it but I'm sure she knows it will be very dangerous for you, your brother and herself. A less likely reason may also be she has some love for him by cherishing the good memories and probably doesn't say out-loud she loves him as it would surprise everyone, even herself. I'm sure if she had a diary, you would see she's conflicted on this.

As for your brother, it's a different style of coping he has and probably can handle more stress. That said, he may not be showing his true feelings because at that age, boys are really encouraged to be tough, not to sob and say he's sad, so it's a pressure from society. He also may act as though he likes your father because he realizes if he acts aggressive toward him, your father probably will act more aggressively, so it's self-preservation. No doubt he's also seeing your mother is calm so that calmness may help him. Some children may also appear unusually calm after something traumatic has happened, likely because they're trying to still process what has happened and are conflicted on the inside.

If you tell your mother how you feel, she may deny it or call it silly for the reasons mentioned above. If your father is so explosive, there's a risk he may hear you telling her that you want him to die. Overall, I would say it's not a good thing to tell her, at least not when you're in the house or he is near-by.

From what you've mentioned, it does sound like child-domestic abuse, as well as being an unfit parent. Hypothetically-speaking, if your mother were to divorce him and he acts like he is, he would probably be deemed an unfit parent.


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Last edited by OMFG!You'reActuallySmart!; June 16th 2011 at 07:50 PM.
   
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Re: My Dad. Need advice. Is it wrong to hate him? - June 16th 2011, 07:51 PM

Thank you for the reply. Really helpful

My parents aren't married. It was a one-night stand, and then she literally couldn't get him to leave. He refused. He lived off her. Never paid rent, and ended up with her paying for his food and clothes and him paying for nothing.

Even if my family aren't like, coping, there's nothing I can say? I can't persuade mum to throw him out. She works 7 days a week and drinks when she's at home. She likes having him there because otherwise we'd be home alone and she's happy not to be around. And she's not aware that he beat me.
   
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Re: My Dad. Need advice. Is it wrong to hate him? - June 17th 2011, 03:25 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by chility View Post
Thank you for the reply. Really helpful

My parents aren't married. It was a one-night stand, and then she literally couldn't get him to leave. He refused. He lived off her. Never paid rent, and ended up with her paying for his food and clothes and him paying for nothing.

Even if my family aren't like, coping, there's nothing I can say? I can't persuade mum to throw him out. She works 7 days a week and drinks when she's at home. She likes having him there because otherwise we'd be home alone and she's happy not to be around. And she's not aware that he beat me.
You can say all you want, I'm not saying you cannot, however, think of the practical aspect. You can tell her that he beat you up, you're entitled to a safe home and he's not making it safe. If you convince your mother to throw him out, assuming she has legal authority to (sounds like she does as he doesn't own the property), you've got to have him physically leave. If he doesn't want to leave and gets angry, all three of you are screwed, so either you need the police there (ideally when he's being very aggressive, threatening or violent) or muscle who aren't part of the police.


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Re: My Dad. Need advice. Is it wrong to hate him? - June 17th 2011, 05:39 AM

I think you have a right to dislike your dad, I do for practically to same reasons. I understand that it is difficult to try and change it without the support of your family, but you should try to talk to your mum. Is there a time after she gets home but before she starts drinking? Because you should tell her that he gets violent with you.
good luck
   
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Re: My Dad. Need advice. Is it wrong to hate him? - June 17th 2011, 06:12 AM

I'm not sure about telling her :/
He is a dying man, no money, sleeps about 20 hours a day, on 30 pills a day just to keep him alive. He has absolutely no-where to go. We can't just make him homeless.
And I don't want to worry Mum. And she might not believe me. She'd probably tell me I was exaggerating or something. I don't talk to her mum - a few words a day, literally.
Maybe it would be better to leave things as it is..?
   
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