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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Dark-and-Twisty Offline
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Bleh. - June 26th 2011, 01:38 AM

Where to begin?

The gist:
I'm nineteen years old and I'm tired of being alone.

For the first eighteen years of my life I was completely content with being alone. Heck, I didn't need friends in the real world; I had the internet to communicate with people! At one point, I had hundreds of online friends. The number has shrunk down to one. Of whom I speak to regularly, of course. Some of my former online friends are busy living their lives, and we speak to each other on occasion still.

And I'm busy attempting to live an offline life and make friends. However, it's not going so well. Overall, there are three people who I feel somewhat close to, and for one I'm only her friend when she has nobody else to talk to, I feel. The other two are my roommate and her boyfriend. And overall, I feel like I'm closer to my roommate's boyfriend than my own roommate. (No, not in "that" way.) There are a couple other people I hang out with, but I feel like they're not my friends, they're my roommate's friends.

Whenever someone comes to my door, it's always "Is your roommate there?" Hardly anyone ever comes to see me.

I went to campus to get away from my hometown, because by the time I was eighteen I realized I had screwed any chance I had of making friends there. Let's just say, I was an idiot. Nobody here knows what I was like, and I'd like to keep it that way, to some extent. I'm pretty open with my roommate and her boyfriend, and I've told them a lot about my past, but I've left the gruesomeness out. Let's just say, I wasn't a nice person when I was in high school. I pushed everyone away, I hated anyone and everyone who I felt was "competition" to me, because I felt like I had to be the best at every thing I did (bowling, school, ect), and I let it be known to everyone who I hated.

I'm not like that anymore, and I try to be more friendly. Nonetheless, there seem to be two groups of people on campus. The people who don't know my name, and the people who hate me already. Yes, there are people here who despise me. I know it, and even the few "friends" I have admit that they can tell these select people hate me.

Countless people tell me that I'm too "serious" and that I look like I'm pissed all the time. I asked my roommate's boyfriend if I look like I'm pissed all the time, and he said that I didn't. But I'm comfortable around him. I met my roommate and him (before they were dating) in September 2010, so we've known each other about nine months. I was really slow at getting to know them. And they've confessed that they've really only gotten to know me over the last three or so months. So it took six months for me to "open up" around them, even though we hung out and saw each other frequently.

I have major trust issues, mainly because every friend I've had has betrayed me. I had a couple friends my freshman year of high school, and they abandoned me by the second month of high school because I was "too quiet," or at least that's what they said.

I can't help myself... why should I talk when I don't have anything to contribute to the conversation? And often, when I do contribute to the conversation, I feel like I'm ignored. That defeats the purpose of me talking.

The bottom line is... while I love hanging out with my roommate and her boyfriend, it sometimes can get awkward, and they don't always like to do the things I like to do. My roommate and I like to a lot of the same things, but her boyfriend often holds us back. It's basically we do what he wants, or we never hear the end of it. (He's a nice person, and I trust him a lot, but that's one of his major flaws...)

Besides, I really, really want to broaden my friend circle. I want to have my friends. I want people to say that we're going to my room, not my roommate's room. It's always her room, not mine, which is annoying.

I have been told to "smile more," but who actually walks down the street with a smile on their face? That's totally awkward. I smile when it's appropriate to smile, not just randomly. Other people don't smile 24/7. Then there are times people make a joke they claim is supposed to be funny, and they're like, 'Why didn't you laugh?' Sorry, but I didn't see the joke, and besides, nobody laughs at my jokes (besides some of the people I hang out with on a regular basis, but that's because we kind of have the same type of humor...).

By 19/20, so many cliques have already formed. It's hard to become apart of them now. There are new students starting in the fall; I'm hoping to meet some new students who are like me, but I've been let down so many times already, I'm beginning to lose hope at ever having real "friends." I feel like there's nobody like me in the world, and those that do share personality traits like me, don't have the same hobbies as me.

Let's be honest. If I hadn't had the roommate I did first term, and my roommate hadn't had the roommate she did first term, we wouldn't be roommates now. Heck, we wouldn't even know each other. We've already determined that. I guess that's why the school intentionally places new students with polar opposites.


"You say you're all dark and twisty. It's not a flaw, it's a strength. It makes you who you are."

~ Derek, Grey's Anatomy
   
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Re: Bleh. - June 27th 2011, 03:20 AM

Hey there,
I'm sorry to hear you're feeling a bit lonely. Making new friends as you get older is sometimes pretty tricky. I can relate to your post in some ways, so you're not the only one who feels this way!

I think there's a few things you can do to help you meet new people. First off, try to keep an open mind and take advantage of the opportunities you may have to meet new people. There are always a ton of chances to meet new people at the beginning of a school year, for sure.

Is there any way you can meet your roomate and her boyfriend's group of friends? It may be a good place to start off with, and you may actually click with some of them.

Another idea is to have your roomate accompany you to any social events, or ask if you can tag along with her to any she may be going to. Make it a goal to branch out and meet and talk with at least one new person.

You may have to push yourself out of your comfort zone, and in doing so you may meet someone who'll turn out to be a great friend. You have to trust that not everyone you meet will break your trust and hurt you. Just be yourself, and take chances. Don't give up hope in finding someone you can connect with.

Good luck meeting new people, and don't let it get you down if nothing happens right away. It may take some time but try to be patient, even if it is annoying.

Take care. :]


A smooth sea never made a skilled sailor.
   
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Re: Bleh. - June 27th 2011, 03:31 AM

I spent 30 minutes typing two pages worth of a response but deleted it for certain reasons... I'm sorry.

Just letting you know that I'm here for you, and that I was going to respond.

Hopefully someone will mention the same points that I wrote about.
   
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Re: Bleh. - June 27th 2011, 06:28 AM

hey


i sorta have trust issues as well, and like you, it takes me forever to open up to people (like months!)
i was also told to 'smile more' and i decided to give it a go, i mean wat the heck, it couldnt hurt to try.
and you know wat? wen i smiled at ppl they actually smiled bak!! (it took a LOT of guts to actually work up the courage to smile at near strangers)
tht sort of broke the ice, and made things easier. i still find it hard to smile sometimes, it feels wierd, but i always force myself... because i know that when a random stranger smiles at me it really brightens my day.
the thing is, making friends and actually keeping them is alot of work and it takes effort. but its totally worth it. start with small steps. you dont have to open up to anybody until you feel you can trust them, so take your time getting to know people.
i also tried (and i recommend you try this) to talk to at least one person in every class i had (usually the person sitting next to me)/.
i would comment about anything (once i even talked about the weather ..."so...the weather has been really amazing these past few days") some ppl would be friendly and answer bak, others would be a little cold. i would try to keep talking to these friendly ppl in later classes, just a simple 'hi, how are you'.. and, well, friendship grows.
the ppl u befriend dont have to be entirely like you, i dont really know any two friends that have the same personality traits and hobbies. having friends that are a little different than you makes things fun.
and thank the university for pairing u up with ur roommate, its good to be lucky. dont keep thinking: if it wasnt for school we wouldnt know each other. think: im glad we met.
and trust me, you will find friends, coz you seem like an honest person... and these days most ppl are looking for an honest friend.
be patient
   
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