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Question It's like digging a knife in and twisting it. - June 27th 2011, 07:54 PM

Howdy Teenhelpers.

It's been a while, but I have a question for everyone - something thats been on my mind for a wee while now.

A month or so ago, my "friend" told me his girlfriend was pregnant. He was over-joyed, excited, exstatic even. They decided to keep the baby, and are currently at just over 10 weeks. Low and behold, about a week after they find out they are having a baby, it's all over Facebook, they are talking about baby names and even posted a picture of the positive pregnancy test.

The twist in the story is my ex was pregnant late January this year with my kid. We worked things out and decided to stay good friends and raise the kid together. It took time, but after a little while I was really excited about being a father. It was going to be tough, but I couldn't wait. Unfortunately, she miscarried in early May quite traumatically. We both took it badly, and won't speak about it. About 3 weeks after this a good friend of mine also miscarried, and I had to help her go through the whole process again - which hurt like hell.

Even time my "friend" and I talk, I feel like he has either forgotten or disregards the fact that I lost my kid. I feel like he is trying to rub it in. It almost feels like he is boasting about how his girlfriend is pregnant, that there are no complications and that everyone on his end is happy.

Am I blowing this out of proportion? Or, is his posting on facebook, his boastful texts and constant baby chat a bit insensitive towards me? Am I being selfish? Should I confront him?

So many questions..! If anyone can give an opinion, I'd appreciate it. Thank you for your time,

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Re: It's like digging a knife in and twisting it. - June 27th 2011, 10:56 PM

Hey there,

I've never been in your situation but I can imagine that it's very painful for you. I wouldn't say that your friend is trying to rub it in, I'm sure he's just excited about his baby and doesn't realise what he's doing is upsetting you. I would suggest talking to him about it and ask him if he'd not mention it around you. I don't think you're being selfish at all or blowing this out of proportion.

Obviously, it may be a bit unfair to ask him not to mention things on facebook so to solve that issue I suggest you 'hide' him on facebook for the time being so you don't have to see these status updates.

I hope it goes alright when you talk to him, take care
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Re: It's like digging a knife in and twisting it. - June 28th 2011, 05:01 AM

I don't think he is being insensitive or rubbing salt in your wounds. Having a baby is said to be a joyous occasion and he's probably just happy and excited about it. He may have forgotten your ex-girlfriend had a miscarriage although it is unlikely he forgot something that drastic. He probably has not considered his effect on you. If you ask him about it, he probably would remember. He may also think you've gotten over it. I think you are blowing it out of proportion when it comes to you suggesting his FaceBook texts are intentionally designed to harm you.

If you confront him, I wouldn't tell him to stop with the baby talk altogether because I would consider that selfish. Instead, I would ask him straight-up as you worded it, whether his texts are designed to harm you and if he asks, remind him of the miscarriage.

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Re: It's like digging a knife in and twisting it. - June 28th 2011, 07:40 PM

No one was to blame for your ex's miscarriage. Unfortunately, bad things happen to good people, and all we can do is cope with the pain and eventually move on. That does not mean the world stops spinning when we feel pain - it may seem that way sometimes, but everyone else you know is still living their lives despite your pain. Your friend is ecstatic about his soon-to-be son or daughter. One person's pain should not take away from another person's joy.

Of course, it couldn't hurt to ask your friend to minimize his baby conversations around you specifically, and you may want to block his Facebook updates for a few months/years... however long it takes for you to move on. But I'm sure your friend isn't trying to be "boastful" - he's just focusing on his own life and his own happiness, while you're focusing on your own life and your own misery. Ultimately, it's up to you to make adjustments in your life, not to force your friend to make adjustments in his life.

I am truly sorry for your loss, and I wish you and your ex all the best.

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