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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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charmbraceletxo Offline
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It's long...but I need help :( PLEASE. - June 29th 2011, 08:27 AM

Hello, everyone! I need some advice (more like reassurance)--and I'm not used to posting on this particular section on the forum, so please bear with me...

So, I've just recently returned home (after having been at school for ~10 months) for the summer. My relationship with my family is essentially nonexistent--as of now, I'm living downstairs in my grandmother's "area" of the house (the other five members reside upstairs--the house is divided according to levels, if that makes any sense...so my grandmother single-handedly (and unfairly) occupies the first story, meanwhile my parents, two sisters, and brother occupy the upstairs region). I don't have much physical/verbal contact with my immediate family--with the exception of my brother and sisters--and as far as my grandmother goes, well, I'm essentially sleeping in what used to be a den-like room with my "necessary" personal belongings stored in bins/bags. We were on considerably good terms when I first arrived, but after a few weeks, she became ridiculously demanding (for instance, I'm not exactly allowed to do my laundry at home, so I have to go to a laundromat--and seeing as how I don't have a car, my boyfriend has to find time to take me...yet my grandmother feels entitled to dictate when I'm to have it done (she has a borderline pathological obsession with cleaning)). Needless to say, I tend to take care of myself--I consume as little of my family's food as possible (they've actually asked that if I eat the last of something and/or I tend to eat a significant amount of it, to replace it--mind you, I'm practically putting myself through college and take absolutely no money from them (whatever my financial aid and loans don't cover, my aunt and uncle graciously loan me). I have no issue with contributing, but when I do eat a little of something, I hear them talking garbage about me when they "think" I'm not around and/or cannot hear them). They've even gone so far as to leave signs posted on family pictures (stored in a box under the coffee table in their living room) that prohibit me from even looking at them (yes, I'm completely serious). My parents can't even muster up the kindness to say a mere "hello" (my dad's incessantly angry with me because he thinks that I've made a career out of not having a job this summer--when in reality, the first job I received fell through (the manager was "helping me out" by offering me a small temp. job--and after my second week of work, she never called me about a forthcoming schedule (I suspect because business is slow)...I attempted calling her (and even went in a couple of times), but she never got back to me with anything, so yeah :/. I just recently got hired at another place, but given my "newness", they've only given me a few hours this week (although I'm requesting more)).

Anyway, I'm ranting needlessly...now onto the actual question...

So, essentially, my dad hates my boyfriend (simply because my dad used to get himself intoxicated and would call him in the middle of the night to rant and rave about me--and finally, my boyfriend told him enough is enough...and my dad couldn't handle it)--and due to his hatred for my boyfriend, he seems to have a strong disliking towards me (amidst other reasons). Anyway, as you can imagine, being here is incredibly difficult for me (I wanted to stay with my boyfriend for the summer, but after consulting my aunt, we both came to the conclusion that it'd probably be best to come back to my parents' place...after all, it's only a few months). Well, let's just say that there have been a few times when I desperately needed to get away and essentially "lied" to my parents about where I was spending the night (in order words, I would go over to my boyfriend's place and take a "mini-vacation"). I feel terrible for being in any way deceitful, but even as a 21-year-old adult, my parents would strongly disapprove of my sleeping under the same roof as my boyfriend--which, to be honest, is really none of their business considering how they treat me (am I right?). My dad has already told me that he doesn't care what I do, etc., etc.--and considers me to have "left home" indefinitely--yet last time I was at my boyfriend's apartment (he's taking summer school approximately 45 minutes or so away from where we live), my mom texted me asking if whether or not I was there (of course, I was compelled to lie). I don't feel/believe/think that what I'm doing is inappropriate--my boyfriend and I have been together for going on four years now, we're both good students/people, and are highly-responsible...and I don't think that sleeping together warrants the degree of criticism and disapproval that my parents would dish out (the only reason I lie to them is to avoid needless drama--as well as prevent my dad from going to my boyfriend's house (ranting and raving about our relationship)--if that were to happen, my boyfriend's parents would think my family's crazy and absolutely NEVER accept me (and they live just around the corner, so it isn't like his place is inaccessible or secretive). I'm almost certain that my parents know that I was with my boyfriend over these past few days (during the time which my mom texted me), but I've told them I was staying at a friend's house for a couple of nights (as I did the last time I was over). I honestly can't comprehend the fact that they feel entitled to tell me where I can/cannot stay the night, yet they want absolutely nothing to do with me...and will go to extensive lengths to avoid any contact/communication with me. I'm sorry, but if they think that I'm mature enough to buy food and everything else for myself (which, when I'm at school, I pay for everything (although my boyfriend helps out tremendously--he didn't even want me having to pay for storage, so he's letting me store my stuff at his apartment for the summer)--I mean, I literally take NOTHING from my parents), then I think that I'm mature enough to make the decision that I want to/can stay the night at my boyfriend's place (which, he shares with a roommate mind you). The only reason as to why I'm not staying there for the entirety of the summer is to avoid any raised eyebrows--and mostly, out of respect for my aunt and uncle (although I can't imagine that they'd think twice about me staying at his apartment for a night or two--after all, my cousin (who's merely a year and a half older than I am) used to stay weekends at her boyfriend's apartment ALL the time...and my aunt and uncle never seemed to mind or interfere)...

So anyway, I just need some reassurance/advice...am I a bad person/doing the wrong thing by doing what I'm doing? I really need a second opinion...


Thanks in advance for your help/support!

Last edited by charmbraceletxo; June 29th 2011 at 06:10 PM.
   
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Re: It's long...but I need help :( PLEASE. - June 29th 2011, 03:55 PM

I know how it feels, but everyone has their own opinions but I am on your side because I believe in what you believe, if you think what you are doing is right then follow your heart. I understand all of that. My father wasn't happy with me being with a same sex partner and well, let me say, my mother isn't keen on me having a partner the same sex but hey. That's how we feel sometimes in those days huh? Keep your head high. I suggest you to find the money to save up so you can move out but in a suitable, right, cheap way to get started with. Sometimes you have to talk to your parents about your partner, I know about your dad, hes the same with me. He doesn't like when I talk about my girlfriend but hey, we gotta accept their opinions, it will hurt but worth in the end.

PM me if need.


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Re: It's long...but I need help :( PLEASE. - June 29th 2011, 06:05 PM

Thanks, Jade I am following my heart, here--I honestly don't believe that I'm doing anything wrong (I love this guy, we're responsible, and we have the best of intentions--there's nothing wrong with us sleeping under the same roof for a couple of nights). I'm sorry to hear about your parents' behavior--if it's any consolation to you, trust me, I feel the exact same way...it's difficult, but I s'ppose we've no options other than to make the very best we can out of our situations/circumstances.
   
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Re: It's long...but I need help :( PLEASE. - June 29th 2011, 06:59 PM

First, it sounds like your family is very troubled. It is not your fault, and you are not contributing to the problem.

Secondly, I do not know what you or your boyfriend's intentions are, but do not leave him pressure you into something you do not want to do. He will respect what you say.

Third: If you choose to stay there, explain to your aunt/uncle why, and how your family feels. Explain you need the night away. They seem to be good people and will understand.

- Justin



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Re: It's long...but I need help :( PLEASE. - June 29th 2011, 09:07 PM

Thanks for the input, Justin. Yes, my family is quite troubled--and it isn't an exaggeration on my part (although they'd claim otherwise). As far as my boyfriend goes, no--he isn't forcing me into anything (believe me, I BEG him to get away from this place...and I absolutely love spending time with him--he's just incredibly kind and accommodating, haha). I wish that I could be open and honest with my family, but unfortunately, they're not very approachable--hence, my need to fib whenever I do decide to get away. As mentioned, I hate lying...but it's the only way with them :/
   
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Re: It's long...but I need help :( PLEASE. - June 29th 2011, 10:49 PM

No, I get that. I get having a family that sometimes just doesn't listen. I get that things a dysfunctional, and I understand needing to get away from it.

I would just tell your aunt and uncle and take the plunge. They should understand, and if not, you could always lie if it meant that much to you.

- Justin



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Snap it, work it, quick, erase it,
Write it, cut it, paste it, save it,
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Re: It's long...but I need help :( PLEASE. - June 30th 2011, 03:49 AM

Well, it's not like my aunt and uncle ever ASK, necessarily--they tend to stay out of my personal affairs. I just feel "bad" lying--but don't feel "bad" or ashamed of what I'm doing, if that makes any sense.
   
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Re: It's long...but I need help :( PLEASE. - June 30th 2011, 04:29 AM

Whoa! How could you even consider thinking that what you were doing was the wrong thing?! I see absolutely nothing wrong with seeking a safe haven every once and awhile. It sounds like your family's out to get you, oh my gosh. They put notes on the family pictures telling you not to look at them?? ...I don't even know. I would keep chilling at your boyfriend's place, get a degree, and get out of there as soon as you can live without them without any problems. But it sounds like you don't need me to tell you that.

But if all your asking for is if you're doing the wrong thing than no way! I say you're doing the right thing by following your heart, as cheesy as that sounds! Trust me, I think I kinda know how you feel. Kinda. My step Dad doesn't know an ounce of squat about who I really am, deep down inside other than what I've told him. I can keep a secret if you don't ask me about it! ^-^


-I could just fix all your problems with a bunch of fancy quotes I made up over the years, but I'm not going to. You know why?
-Because you can't remember them?
-Shut up! No one asked you!
   
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Re: It's long...but I need help :( PLEASE. - July 2nd 2011, 01:06 AM

Haha, thanks, Nick My family is, um, troubled...to say the least. I'm not saying that I didn't/don't play a role in the dysfunctionality, but I definitely can't live amidst it and be happy/healthy.
   
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