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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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Question Should and how do I leave? Please help! - June 30th 2011, 04:59 AM

I am 17 and live with my mom and step-dad. My step-dad is bipolar and VERY controlling. I have had a steady, part-time job for over a year. I am in NHS, band, FFA, and make very good grades. Every time I am home I am, constantly in trouble because I "didn't do the dishes" or that I "am never home and need to take care of my home responsibilities" even though my step-dad is the one who forced me to get a job in the first place. My step-dad often yells and honestly does things just to be mean, he says that's how he was raised and so that's how he treats us. I am not lazy and am a very kind person, I am just fed up with being treated like a dog. My step-dad has a 23 year old son, however he never knew he existed until he was 12. This is when his son came to live with him. He left his own father's home at 15, only 3 years after first meeting him, because of the way my step-dad treated him. I have everything planned out as to rent, bills, school, and my future. I would be moving in with my boyfriend who also has a steady job and is currently enrolled in college. We have been dating for over a year and me leaving home is not because I'm "in love" or "want to always be by his side". I would be living with him because his parents have a house that they let him live in and we wouldn't have to pay rent, just bills. We also work at the same place and it would be convenient. However I am not unrealistic about it. I know it will be hard but I've had time to figure stuff out and my family says they completely understand, they do not like my step-dad either, and will support and help me. I am tired of being treated this way and just need some advice, I only have 1 more year of high school and would be attending the same school I always have and would continue to work as I have since sophomore year. I will turn 18 this December. Please help!

Last edited by KatieK12; June 30th 2011 at 05:11 AM.
   
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Re: Should and how do I leave? Please help! - June 30th 2011, 09:48 PM

I think if you think that it's a good idea then you should move in with him. How long have you been with your boyfriend?

I'm confused on what you're asking exactly... Like how you're supposed to tell your parents? If that's the case then I would say once your 18 you should just come out and tell them that you don't want to live there anymore and that you already have living arrangements figured out.

Good luck <3
   
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Should and how do I leave? Please help! - July 1st 2011, 05:28 AM

Hello ItsMaddie, I've been with my boyfriend for over a year. All I was asking was for people's personal opinion about what they think I should do or how they would handle the situation. Do you think I should leave? Hope this helps clarify a little better!


Cody's Girl
   
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Should and how do I leave? Please help! - July 1st 2011, 07:11 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by KatieK12 View Post
All I was asking was for people's personal opinion about what they think I should do or how they would handle the situation. Do you think I should leave?
Hello Kaitlin, welcome to TeenHelp! Nice to have you here!


(Note: I'm assuming that you're living in the USA because of the way you use English and your mention of the NHS and FFA. If you're not in the USA . . . well, I'm sorry. )


Personally, I am against it right now because of 4 reasons:
  1. you only have a part-time job,
  2. you're still under 18 years of age,
  3. you don't have at least a few thousand USD saved up, and
  4. you don't have a backup plan.

It all comes down to this: We all wish we can see the future. (C'mon, admit it, I know we would love to be able to predict our futures. )


Now, I know that you're quite capable and smart; I know that you're prepared. And I also know that your boyfriend and his family is supportive of this.

But, as you know, we don't know what surprises life might have in store for us. She's just unpredictable like that.

So what I would suggest is that since you have already enduring for years, do your best to endure for another one or two years. Once you managed to saved up a few thousand dollars AND sure that you can manage a stable love-study-work life (without withering away or dying from malnutrition and lack of sleep), then it's a good time to move out.


This way you can support yourself if the worst case scenario were to happen. Unlikely, I know, I know. But it wouldn't hurt to be careful.

Besides, maintaining a school life, a love life, a job position, all the while trying to get used to an adult's responsibility . . . is no easy task. It's going to be a lot of stress.

You would also be finding more of your boyfriend's habits that you haven't noticed before (since you two would be living together then). This might initiate a few quarrels here and there, which would only add to your daily stress. You would want to be prepared to deal with this, too.


Again, lots of changes and potential problems. You can expect some frustrations, stress, and most likely a hard time. You want to be prepared, not rushed.


-------------------

If you just have to move away right now (because you cannot stand it anymore), though, then please, please, please do your best to move out WITHOUT a bang. In other words, move out peacefully; keep a good relation with your parents.



I'll be honest (because you're asking for our opinion): Besides his bipolar disorder, your dad doesn't seem to be abusing or hurting you--at least not from your story. (Doing household chores and being in the house more often sounds reasonable enough to me, to be honest.) And you don't seem to have a problem with your mom--again, according to your story.

So I don't see a reason for you to leave under bad conditions. Try to keep things happy and smooth. If your parents disagree with your move, then stop. Don't pursue the subject at the moment. Give it some times then try again; you can push harder as time goes on and have them understand. No need to spew some bad blood between family members unnecessarily.


------------------------

On another note, have you tried to look your current life from an optimistic view?


I mean, you know, your parents don't seem to be the abusive and/or neglective type. And once again, doing household chores and being in the house more often sounds reasonable enough to me--I'm pretty sure that most of us who have parents have been through these ordeals.

You have a place to call home. You're going to school AND doing very well in your classes and clubs. You have a stable part-time job. You have good friends; you even have a loving boyfriend. You have good parents who are not abusive or neglective. You have all the basic needs, comforts, and luxuries, like the computer and internet you're using right now.


That's a really good life right there! I'm pretty sure that a lot of other "less unfortunate" children are wishing to be in your shoes right now. Give it a thought, Kaitlin. I wish you all the bests!




Last edited by Digilodger; July 1st 2011 at 09:17 AM.
   
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July 1st 2011, 02:07 PM

My own family is also supportive of me moving out. My step-dad is a very harsh person, he drinks at least 4 nights during the week and both days on the weekend. He fell down the stairs while caring my 1-year-old brother, he was drunk of course, but luckily landed on his backside so my little brother is ok. He is a very rude person because he says that's how he was raised. He is also very sexist and racist. I am not lazy and have a list of chores I do every day while watching my brother and trying to get ready for work. My sister and I literally can't even sit down without him yelling at us to get off our a** and do something. He always tells us to make him a snack, pop him some pop corn (with butter, salt, and a napkin, if you forget any of those you're in big trouble), and always tells us to "tickle his feet" or we're grounded. I am not a lazy person just trying to get out of work, but when you work an 8-hour shift at McDonald's then have to come home and do things non-stop for another 8-10 hours it really is a lot of stress. My mom's side of the family does not like my step-dad and rarely talk to him. I have over 5,000 saved up in my checking account alone, not to mention the 7,000+ I have in my savings. It's summer now and I literally have not seen any of my friends. I am always either at work or at home, but nothing I do changes his mind. We always butt heads because I don't like being treated and talked to the way he does. My sister is very quiet and just endures it but my mom even told me she was glad I would stand up to him because nobody else, not even her, would.

And yes, I don't wanna have a bad relationship with my mom once I leave. I told her I was going to leave one other time and we talked and she completely understood why but wanted me to stay for her. I love my mom very, VERY much and understand how bad this would hurt her and I hate doing that but just can't deal with my step-dad anymore. I wrote a note that I will have my sister give to her when I leave and it explains my reason for leaving and that I hope we can still be civil with one another and still talk and see each other a lot. I don't want to leave with a bang. I hate drama and don't wanna cause to much of it. I also have what is called conversion disorder. No I'm not mentally ill or anything like that. Conversion disorder is when your brain does not process stress as it should. Instead it can result in what are called pseudoseziures, these are similar to seziures in the way ur body shakes but you are conscience the whole time but can't control your movements. I have had one before and had to be hospitalized, followed by physical therapy to regain the muscle I had lost in my legs. There isn't a cure I just have to be aware of when I think this might happen and calm myself down, which I've become very good at. I need to do what is best for me by getting away from the stress, I know leaving will cause stress but I believe it'll be best in the long run.


Cody's Girl

Last edited by PSY; July 4th 2011 at 12:31 AM. Reason: Merged consecutive posts.
   
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Re: Should and how do I leave? Please help! - July 1st 2011, 04:14 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by VoidZN View Post



Personally, I am against it right now because of 4 reasons:
  1. you only have a part-time job,
  2. you're still under 18 years of age,
  3. you don't have at least a few thousand USD saved up, and
  4. you don't have a backup plan.

It all comes down to this: We all wish we can see the future. (C'mon, admit it, I know we would love to be able to predict our futures. )


Now, I know that you're quite capable and smart; I know that you're prepared. And I also know that your boyfriend and his family is supportive of this.

But, as you know, we don't know what surprises life might have in store for us. She's just unpredictable like that.

So what I would suggest is that since you have already enduring for years, do your best to endure for another one or two years. Once you managed to saved up a few thousand dollars AND sure that you can manage a stable love-study-work life (without withering away or dying from malnutrition and lack of sleep), then it's a good time to move out.


This way you can support yourself if the worst case scenario were to happen. Unlikely, I know, I know. But it wouldn't hurt to be careful.

Besides, maintaining a school life, a love life, a job position, all the while trying to get used to an adult's responsibility . . . is no easy task. It's going to be a lot of stress.

You would also be finding more of your boyfriend's habits that you haven't noticed before (since you two would be living together then). This might initiate a few quarrels here and there, which would only add to your daily stress. You would want to be prepared to deal with this, too.


Again, lots of changes and potential problems. You can expect some frustrations, stress, and most likely a hard time. You want to be prepared, not rushed.



This. Brilliance.

Now my advice? Wait until you are 18 and out of High School. This give you chance to save up money, get your own apartment if you wish, and (most importantly) think this through some more. Your parents are just trying to be there for you, and they're a brilliant lifeline. They can get you through anything, but only if you let them. Good luck <3
   
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Re: Should and how do I leave? Please help! - July 4th 2011, 12:36 AM

Definitely wait until you're 18. If something were to happen to you (ex. an illness or injury), your boyfriend and his parents could not legally claim responsibility for you. Your legal guardian(s) (I'm assuming that's your mother and possibly your stepfather) would have to approve medical treatments. They may also have to sign documents, such as school registration forms. Even if you plan to maintain a good relationship with your mother, things could become more difficult for her once you leave. If she feels she can't safely assist you without incurring her husband's wrath, then you're going to be in a bit of a jam. So wait until you're an adult and can do everything yourself.

You seem to have plenty saved up for the time being, so that's not a problem (as long as you don't spend it recklessly/continue to keep setting aside money in case of unemployment/an emergency). Definitely have a backup plan, in case you break up with your boyfriend or vice versa (ex. finding a roommate and moving into an apartment, paying rent to a friend, living with an extended family member, etc.). Finally, weigh the pros and cons. Can you still achieve your career goals without familial support? If you plan to go to a 4-year university, apply for grants through FAFSA (assuming you live in the US) and look into student loan options if you need more money. Don't let your short-term goals cause you to lose sight of your long-term goals!





   
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