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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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noise94 Offline
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How on earth am I supposed to help her? - March 12th 2009, 09:41 PM

So, my best friend in the whole world is very closed off. She used to tell me NOTHING, because nobody ever used to listen to her before. But then I came alone and told her she could tell me anything she needs to tell me.

And she does. Sometimes. I can tell easily when something's wrong and usually she will tell me if I ask. But the second I show any signs of worrying or caring, she says something like ''It doesn't matter anyway.... it's no big deal... enough about me...''. And they are pretty big problems!
How can I get her to see that it's natural for me to worry about my best friend? How do I get her to see that just because I'm concerned, that doesn't mean she needs to pretend nothing is wrong?

I'm so worried she's going to close up again which has led to bad things in the past.

She's my best friend! It's NORMAL for me to worry when she's not okay! Why can't she understand that?

Last edited by noise94; March 15th 2009 at 09:34 PM.
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Re: How on earth am I supposed to help her? - March 12th 2009, 09:54 PM

Hi Nicola,

First of all, I think you are being a great friend for being concerned and worried about this. You're there for her, and I think that's awesome.

I think you should just tell her that you are always around when she wants to talk and that you are concerned because you are her friend. I'm sure she will understand. Just let her know that you want to be able to talk about how she is feeling and that you want to continue to talk to her about these things.

If you are worried that she will hurt herself, I suggest you talk to someone about it. You could talk to her parents or a counselor at school. It's important that she get some help if you feel she will start hurting herself or if she plans to commit suicide. It's good that she is confiding in you, but if you have a legitimate worry, then it is important to tell someone about it.

She's lucky to have you as a friend.

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Re: How on earth am I supposed to help her? - March 12th 2009, 09:59 PM

I have told her time and time again that she can tell me anything, any time. And she always promises me that she will next time. But she never does until she's at breaking point.

Oh, and the other major problem, she is my best friend, but we only know each other online. She lives in America, I'm in Ireland. It makes it so much more difficult.

She'll be online again in a minute, and I know she NEEDS to talk, she needs to get stuff off her chest- because she told me. But she always decides in the end that it ''doesn't matter''. I think it matters.
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Re: How on earth am I supposed to help her? - March 12th 2009, 10:00 PM

Hey Nicola,

I'm sorry things are hard right now. I'm also sorry your best friend is going through this. It's possible she doesn't want you to worry. I have a few friends that aren't used to people caring so much that they worry. She might not like the idea of your worrying over her. Sometimes it comes from feeling like she isn't worth worrying about. You're doing the right thing by being there for her. Keep trying to show her that you care and don't want her to go through this alone. Maybe you two can plan a girls night? And on that night you can let her know you care. Some people need a little more proof. It can be hard for others to believe. She might just need someone to stay long enough to prove they care. You're doing pretty good right now. It's important to know that if she does get to the point where you worry she'll commit suicide, you should tell someone you trust that can help. Just in case, if the time ever comes. Until then, keep letting her know you're there. Try telling her some of your problems. This way it's more of a 50/50 relationship. It might make her more comfortable to the fact that you care and want her to come to you. I hope this works out for the best. If you need anything, let me know. I'm only a PM away.

~Stay strong and have faith.

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Re: How on earth am I supposed to help her? - March 12th 2009, 10:02 PM

I tell her everything. EVERYTHING. And she has this idea in her head that her problems don't match up to mine and they aren't important. They're important to me.
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Re: How on earth am I supposed to help her? - March 12th 2009, 10:03 PM

if shes thinking of self harming and suicide then she's probably in a state of mind where she believes shes not worth caring about and really wont understand how anyone can care, ive been there

maybe if shes got really serious problems suggest that maybe she goes to talk to someone proffesional who understands her, its fully confidential so there would be no need for her to worry about that

if not just make sure she knows you are there listein when she needs you to and re assure her that she can talk to you any time of day about absolutely anything maybe share a few of your problems with her if you have any or just chat about yourself or something so she doesnt feel like shes putting all her problems on you
just tell her you really care about her and you'd hate for her to do nething silly because youd miss her loads and dont worry if she still thinks shes not worth caring about as long as she knows your therefore her deep down even if she doesnt show it or act it she will know you have her best intrest at heart

i hope ive helped im just talking from experience when i was totally depressed self harming and everyone kept saying stop it and all that i didnt think i was worthy of their love or them caring but just knowing i had someone i could trust to talk to and who shared problems with me in return it helped me stop thinking why am i even on this planet why am i alive

if you need a chat im here x
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Re: How on earth am I supposed to help her? - March 14th 2009, 02:57 PM

hey Nicola.

firstly, you're a real sweetie of a friend to care so much for her kudos to you. You're definitely a blessing to anyone and everyone who gets the chance to know you .

Sometimes, when people get enveloped by despair, they think of everything in a negative manner, including (or maybe ESPECIALLY ) themselves. This makes them think that they aren't worth helping. the most important thing to do now is to drum the fact that you WANT to help her, because you think she's somebody worth helping and if it means getting slightly emotional about it, so be it. because once you do get through to her, everything will start to get much better for her from there and that is all that matters because i know you care for her

hmm.. ready to help anytime!

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Re: How on earth am I supposed to help her? - March 14th 2009, 03:33 PM

Simple talk about all of your worries and problems first.
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Re: How on earth am I supposed to help her? - March 15th 2009, 12:42 AM

I think she just finds it hard to talk. I can relate to her.

Even with problems and feeling like you need to talk to somebody, it can still be completely uncomfortable doing so to the point that you just completely avoid it.

Maybe you could kind of ease her into it when you sense she is feeling down by asking simple questions like how her day went, what she did, and then going from there? Instead of just asking if she is okay or wants to talk about anything. She might want to talk but may not know where to begin or what to say.

My advice would be to just keep giving her support. She may say she is fine and doesn't need to talk but probably appreciates you caring and may eventually become more comfortable talking.
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Re: How on earth am I supposed to help her? - March 15th 2009, 01:54 AM

Hey Nicola,

Sometimes it's easier to shut down and not tell people about your worries because it stops other people worrying.
Understandably you're concerned about her.
It's not healthy for your friend to keep things bottled up. Maybe she just feels like she's troubling you by telling you things. I know it must be hard especially if she doesn't want to 'burden' you with her worries. Just let her know you're her best friend and you're there to help in whatever way you can. She might feel like her problems are nothing, but obviously they are something if she is thinking about self-harming and commiting suicide.
Just be there for her in whatever way you can and keep on esuring her you're here for her and let her know how much she means to you.
You're being a good friend and there's not much more you can do.
If she's shutting down it's not your fault it's the way she is, if she's generally a pretty closed person then there isn't much you can do to get her to open up again you just have to keep letting her know that you're here and you've always got an hear to listen whenever she needs you.
Carry on being such a good friend.
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