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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Rukata Offline
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Name: Robyn
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Ex-Bestfriend Troubles - July 12th 2011, 06:28 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of rape or abuse, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

(Looong post) Alright, so this is an issue I'm currently having with my ex-bestfriend/sister/whatever, Keke. Here's what I posted in November (well, very late october):
Quote:
Alright, I have this friend named Kiera. We've been friends for seven-eight years now, but that might have ended last Sunday. Our entire lives we've been opposites: I'm a lone wolf, she's a social butterfly. I'm bi, she's straight. I'm a tomboy/goth, she's a girly-girl. I'm not constantly wrapped in someone's arms, I've never seen her NOT attached to someone. Basically, once I've made up my mind, I'll do what I want, when I want, and if you want to try and stop me, you can go straight to hell.. which is exactly what she tries to do. I don't CARE if she wants me to wear this, I will wear what I'm wearing now, 'kay, thanks. The only thing in common is that we were both abused. I was sexually abused by my father, she was physically abused by her mother.

Basically, she met my friend, Jake, who I consider an older brother to me because I've known him since I was tiny, when we were looking for a house. I'm very protective of him, his mother, and my mum. I would sacrifice my life for both of our moms, and I would do the same for him, except I know he wouldn't let me, because he's openly told people that he would fight someone for me. BEFORE SHE CAME UP, I told her NOT to flirt with Jake. Anyone else was okay, but NOT Jake.They met and they kissed, supposedly he came onto her. They paid no attention to me the entire time she was there. I don't think she's good enough for him. I told her to stop having a long distance relationship with him, and she did.

She came back up here again after we moved, and they basically ignored me again this time. The day before she was about to leave, we got into a fight where I said, "I wouldn't have to be such a b**** if you weren't such a f***ing w****." Then, I through flip flops at the wall, said I wanted her to die, through out our friendship necklace, a perfume she gave me, and a keychain that was the same as hers, basically having a tantrum, but knowing exactly what I was doing, not in a completely blind rage. My mom came in to comfort me, and I told her about how when she was with anyone except me and Brianna (my other friend in our circle of three,) me and Brianna immediately were unimportant, and were ignored. She never does anything for me, but she never made mean comments behind my back, either. She left at 10 AM to spend two hours with Jake, then ended up staying until 2 because Jake begged the driver to let her stay.

I really want to beat the hell out of Kiera, and never speak to her again, because she could have listened to me when I told her to. I want to mentally beat myself up because if I hadn't let her come up, then it wouldn't have happened. I want to slap Jake, cry, and beat him because he let that thing stay longer than it should have, and because he ignored me. For the record, it may sound like I have a crush on Jake, but I really don't. He's cute, but I wouldn't ruin our brother-sister friendship so he could be my boyfriend. Plus, his personality isn't what I want. I also don't want to lose him as a friend because I'm homeschooled and he's the only friend I really have up here. I'm trying not to make a rash decision because I know I'm pissed, so I figured I should ask; what should I do?
Now, here's what's going on right now - I wrote her a mean email. Now, to understand why I did this, I should mention that I've always been very quick to make angry, and not only that, but I never forget or truly forgive.. I will always hold a grudge against someone. Not only that, but ever since this happened, she's been subtlety poking at me. Not directly, mind you, but saying stuff like "Brianna is my best friend and I know she'll always have my back".. which makes me think that she's implying I never had her back. I may be over-analyzing what she says, but if you couple that with a bad grudge and a bad temper.. bad stuff happens.

So, anyway, here's the email that I sent her, after months of dealing with her and being nice, which for the record, felt like it killed me:
Quote:
You know what, I've just decided that I'm not going to talk to you anymore, at all. Anytime I see anything you say, you make me hate you more.. and that's saying something, because you're way past the point of forgiveness. I'm sick of trying to be passive aggressive with you, it looks like I'm just going to have to be blunt. I never want to hear from you ever again, I don't want to know about Luis, I don't care about all of your freakin' parent issues, you don't matter to me any more. If I ever see you again, I'm punching you in your face, because then you'll have nothing going for you. You have no personality, and you sure as hell have no brains, looks are all you'll ever have to get you through life. I know that you want to be my sister again, I know you want to be best friends, but it just isn't going to happen. You want to boss people around because you think your a leader, and it's always been the most annoying thing about you, but I put up with it because I loved you like a sister. Now, I have to wonder how I put up with it for years. Look, you go on and live your life, and I'm going to move on with mine, but I will not feel angry at you forever because hate ruins everything, but whenever I see your name I want to punch something, so if you leave me alone, it'll help. Unfortunately, I'll still have to look at your name on Jake's mirror.. believe me, I've tried to get it off while he was at school.

So, goodbye, and good riddance.
Alright, so here's the bad things I said in this: You're stupid, and have no personality. And I threatened to punch her in her face, which was pretty bad. However, compared to everything I wanted to say but held back, it was very tame. Believe me, there were so many things I could have insulted her with, and wanted to, but I knew it wouldn't help me get my point across to her.

Her reply in the email was this:
Quote:
screw you Robyn because you have cursed me many times and I am beingthe bigger person I couldve told u just as many mean things as you told me but I bite my toung but I'm sick of being nice to you you tell me that I'm so dumb that I have nothing going for me you have nothin going for u not looks not brains not anything really what u have going for you is your I'm so pathetic and helpless act that you need so much attion to be ok and jealousy gets you no where for you to even think I still wanted to be best friends or sister is crazy I would nvr want to be lik that with you cuz you treat people lik door mats you act like your all that matters you dnt even have a heart I get told how much of a good person I am I bet you've nvr even heard those words I no you sent that message because you had nothing better to do but what you sent me last night was hate mail and I forward it to my mom because you made me feel that upset lik I didn't want to even be here but I no I'm a beautiful person inside and out and that's somthing you will nvr be I will always be a leader and be smart because people lik you wont ever stop me cuz I dnt allow it I'm ashamed to say I ever called you a friend Or a sister because you will nvr be worth what I thought you were to me what you sent me last night was hate mail and the law is very strict about hate mail now and you can get in alot of trouble for it and if they need to they can have our previous messages to see that I said nothing to provoke you and you will get in alot of trouble so leave me alone because u actually made me think about if those things were true all the shit I'm going through right now you made me wish I wasn't here on this earth dnt ever try to contact me leave me alone your a hateful jealous immature dumb little kid with no futur
Now, I have lots of things to complain about, but I wrote her a nice email back about how I wasn't mad any more, blahblahblah, not really things I would actually say, because I really am still angry. It's amazing how I bit back my tongue.. but compare everything she says about me, to the three things I said about her.. she's a drama queen, and is obviously being worse to me than I was to her.

Okay, so, the problem now is she's gotten a total of three people involved in this: her mom, my best friend Brianna, and Jake. Now, to me, you should keep your fights to yourself, and not open your mouth to people, especially if it's going to make the situation worse or ruin friendships or anything, which this possibly will. I'm not worried about Kiera or Brianna's friendship (Brianna is on my side, but she's trying her best to stay on the fence, poor thing.) I am worried about my friendship with Jake, though. I don't know if he'll take my word over hers. So, if he talks to me about it, do any of you have any suggestions to what I could say to him? I don't want to cause him any drama, but she's actually the one getting him re-involved in something that he thought was settled nearly a year ago.

So, pretty much, do you think that she kind of blew it out of proportion like I do, or was it really actually a normal reaction? And, of course, what do I tell Jake?


Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. -Dr. Seuss

The hardest battle you're ever going to fight is the battle to be just you. -Leo Buscaglia

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye. -Miss Piggy

I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want - an adorable pancreas? -Jean Kerr
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Re: Ex-Bestfriend Troubles - July 14th 2011, 07:24 PM

I read your story two days ago, and I've been struggling to come up with a response. Sometimes, the best answer is the simplest one. I don't know if you'll appreciate it, but that's what I'm going to offer.

You've said some hurtful things to your ex-friend, and she has said some hurtful things to you. Neither of you seem willing to repair your friendship, so you really only have two options: continue to hold on to a broken friendship, or let go and move on. I think the latter option would be in your best interests. I know it's tempting to "have the last word", but honestly, it's not worth it. Just stop talking to this girl. Let her say whatever she wants to say. Let her do whatever she wants to do. In the end, it's her life, and you don't have to let YOUR life revolve around what she says and does.

When you approach Jake, or any of your mutual friends/acquaintances, act as if this ex-friend is no longer a factor. Don't talk about her, don't ask about her, and don't forbid your friends from mentioning her. Let them choose how they want to live their lives. Chances are, they don't want to be caught up in all this drama... and by letting go and moving on, you're eliminating the drama on your end. That will make them want to spend more time around you. If they choose to stick with your ex-friend and feed off of the drama SHE'S creating, then that's their choice... but YOU don't have to react to what they're saying or doing.





   
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