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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Exclamation Am I... Jealous? Trying to Protect Close Friendship(s)? - July 15th 2011, 09:27 PM

Alright so I'm going to try to explain this as best as I can...

I have a few college friends that I consider my closest friends, period. Throughout high school, I always felt pretty insecure about how many friends I had and how close I was to my friends.

When I got to college, I began to click with a group and now we're pretty close. One friend, who's a guy and I consider one of my best friends, is going to be my roommate next year. We don't talk a ton over the summer (none of us do just because we're busy, etc., but we'll send the occasional text and what not).

Anyways, there's this other person who is a guy that is sort-of in our group of friends. He's been in and out of the circle for the past year, and towards the end of the last semester he became closer to us. However, he has some problems and I feel like I don't exactly click with him... He tends to hang out a lot with the person that is going to be my roommate next year and a lot of the time I'm not invited to when they go to dinner. Anyways, this person has a few problems... he drinks a lot (talks about it too much too and sometimes pushes us to drink), has done drugs and does it periodically, and he has had a few brushes with the law. I'm convinced that he is a nice person under his exterior but I can't allow myself to feel comfortable around him since he acts strange and talks about alcohol half of the time. He also fights with his girlfriend a lot, drives crazily, and makes stupid decisions, but that's more of just his business, except when it goes on all the time.

I'm different from him in that I don't drink often, I do not do drugs, and I'm not a huge partier whereas he is the opposite. My roommate next year is more in line with me in those respects too.

I guess the crux of the whole thing is that I feel that he likes to hang out with the person who's going to be my roommate next year a lot and I guess I'm worried that he'll turn into him or go with his habits and then hang out with him more. I guess it's a stupid thing to think about, but I'm just confused honestly lol. I don't know why I feel this way, and my other friends in the group seem to see something in him that I don't. I want to like him, but for some reason something is keeping me from getting to know him more or getting to accept him. Maybe I think that he's going to steal away my friends or I think that he's going to replace my spot? I don't know, I guess this stems from my insecurities from back during high school. I guess I feel that this is the first time that I actually have friends that I feel close to and that I feel like are almost like my family, so I get overly worried about it all?

I also sometimes wonder what they're doing during breaks from college and if they like their friends at home better or whatnot.

I never really have thought much of this but I just want to get to the bottom of it and I want advice for dealing with it. I'm also wondering if someone has experienced what I'm experiencing. I feel that normally girls get jealous, but I'm not sure if that's what I'm feeling or if I'm just trying to protect, from what I think in my mind, my few really close friendships.

sorry about how long this is
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Re: Am I... Jealous? Trying to Protect Close Friendship(s)? - July 18th 2011, 12:40 AM

I used to worry about being "replaced" as a friend as well. Then I realized people are capable of having MANY relationships - we don't have a limit on how many close friends we can have. There is always room for more friends, if that's what we want. So for starters, I would stop worrying about being "replaced". You can offer something that this other friend can't. He, apparently, can also offer something that you can't (perhaps your group of friends enjoys having some drama and excitement on occasion). That doesn't mean you are inferior or in any way less adequate as a friend... you just serve a different purpose, which is all the more reason why you WON'T be "replaced".

Some people are more easily influenced by their friends than others. I have friends who are like sponges: they'll absorb whatever behaviors the people around them exhibit. As a result, some friends are fine when they are with decent people, and some friends get into all kinds of trouble when they're around not-so-decent people. Other friends (and I'd like to think I'm this way) are more set in their identity. They don't conform as easily because they already know who they are as a person. You seem to be secure, and so does your roommate. If you are still concerned about your roommate, though, why not just suggest the two of you iron out the details of your living situation before moving in together? He may be your friend, but he is also going to be your roommate... and like it or not, relationships DO change when you start living with a friend. There's nothing wrong with being firm from time to time and clearly stating where you draw the line.

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