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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Celyn Offline
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After all this time? - July 21st 2011, 03:18 PM

When I was younger, I didn't really like my home life. We didnt have a car, and we didn't do family activities, and I wasn't allowed to invite friends over because the house was so messy. So I became obsessed with this teacher. I wanted to be her daughter. My friend, lets call her Jade, knew this was bad, and so gave me advice and eventually, I was no longer obsessed this teacher. But I had no friends and got bullied so I was clingy to Jade (we were in different schools).

Then I had a boyfriend so I felt happier, but my home life got much worse, my dad was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and I went though hell. Even though Jade wasn't physically there for me, she kept in contact and offered support. I am very grateful for everything she has done for me. I made friends with other people in school and felt better. However, I realised that some people in the friendship groups didn't really like me, and never asked me out. But I told myself not to worry about it, because I'm leaving school soon, so it won't matter. Then I made friends with this guy, and he was there for me. If I was upset, he would hug me, if he was upset I would comfort him. So things weren't too bad. But he has depression and it can be hard trying to deal with his moods (he does get help).

I got down about a few things, so I sent Jade an email. I apologised for moaning. But she emailed me basically saying that I have to move on with my life and uni is going to be fun, and then I can't stay in contact with her much because of uni.

First of all, what I said was things that were happening in my life right now. Nothing in the past. I mentioned I missed the teacher, but in a way, the teacher is a role model. As a child, I wanted to live with her and have a normal life. But I'm 18 and that's changed. I want to have the life that the teacher has eg I want a nice job and a bit of money, have my own house, get married, have kids. Basically, I want my future kids to have the life that a) I wanted and b) I never had. I have met lots of other teachers and people and I have other role models in my life, but none of them have given me inspiration to make me want that life. If I hadn't met that teacher, would I even want that life? Because looking at my guy friend, he doesn't have role models and he feels lonely, but he does awful things instead of working towards the future.
Also, I knew we weren't going to have much contact when in uni. I knew this because she told me ages ago that we were going to stay in contact, but over the last 2 years, we didn't have as much contact as we used to, so I was doubtful that we would stay in contact in uni. I didn't even mention uni in the email.

The worst part is, is that even though I had a boyfriend, I found other friends, and now I have the guy who is a close friend, Jade told me that I can't keep relying on her for advice and I should find other friends. But I haven't asked her for any advice in ages. The times that she gave me advice were 5 or 6 years ago, when I had no friends at all, I was getting bullied and I had a major obsession with the teacher. Okay, so when I talk to her sometimes I moan about my life, but it's only her and my other friend that knows about problems in my life. If I have big problems, I come here on teen help. And I deliberately avoid telling Jade every little thing that annoys me, because I know it's not good. So I just deal with it. I know exactly how hard it is for Jade to give me advice...because I'm doing that with Jack (my guy friend). I have convinced him not to attempt suicide, not to self harm and not to run away, so I know exactly how hard it is. Jade is lucky because I'm not like that.

To me, it feels like I'm too much of a burden for her, and that she doesn't want to stay in contact with me (I know uni is going to be very different and we will meet new people, but it just feels like she doesn't really want to stay in contact with me). Jade said she got in trouble about something and said we have to talk about it...but I'm guessing she dropped a bombshell on her parents that she is stressed about me and my life (which her parents don't know anything about my life or my dads illness) so obviously, her parents know I'm a bad influence and don't want me contacting her. I mean ok, my life isn't very good, but I am trying. I don't smoke, I don't do drugs, I don't drink, I don't self harm, I don't think I am depressed. Instead I'm a straight a student trying hard in my exams, trying to get to uni and trying to make friends.

So basically, is this the way it's going to be? Should I just move on, like Jade said?

Sorry, for the length, I did cut it down a bit. And the title is a quote from Harry Potter, but I thought it suited lol
   
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PSY Offline
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Re: After all this time? - July 22nd 2011, 07:15 PM

I don't know if this is how it's going to be with Jade from now on. Maybe she just needs time, or maybe she's already made up her mind. Either way, you could consider this a true test of your perseverance. Friends won't always be there for you 24/7. I know you've tried to limit how often you contact Jade, but depending on how long you've been doing this for, Jade may not be convinced yet. She may not see visible results. It's not just about "whining less", too... it's about making changes, revamping your attitude toward life and everything about it. I'm sure Jade will come around when she sees that 1) you don't have to rely on her 24/7, and 2) you can actively solve your problems without needing guidance from others. That's going to take time, so you need to remember to be patient with yourself. =) You're making a lot of progress, and I'm proud of you! There's more progress to be made, though, so keep working on your goals, and let everything else (ex. your friendship with Jade) fall into place along the way.





   
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Celyn Offline
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Re: After all this time? - July 23rd 2011, 09:34 AM

Thanks for replying PSY

Yeah, I think I will give Jade some time. And I am working towards my goals. I have actually written them down and am working on each one individually, but I know I have a lot more progress to make lol

Thanks again
   
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