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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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Unhappy July 25th 2011, 12:45 AM

I've known this girl, Sarah, since I was in kindergarten. I was never friends with her, because I kind of thought she was weird. She was one of those girls that still pretended she was a dinosaur at recess when she was in 5th grade. I was never really like that, and I only really interacted with her outside of Girl Scouts.

When middle school came, she made a total transformation. She started wearing a bunch of black makeup and kind of borderline slutty clothes. I started talking to her a little bit, starting in 7th grade. In eighth grade, we had a lot of the same classes and became really close. For most of the school year, she was my absolute best friend. I could talk to her about everything and she never got mad at me for messing up.

But everything started to change around April.
Sarah was friends with this girl named Jessica, which she always has been, and Jessica doesn't like me. She acts fine to my face, but she always talks behind my back. And she doesn't even know me. So, it goes without saying that I wasn't particulary fond of Jessica.
Sarah and Jessica had always hung out, but they started hanging out a lot more around April. It was always Jessica this or Jessica that. I wasn't jealous of Jessica, I was just annoyed that Sarah wouldn't shut up about her. And it seemed like Jessica was having an affect on Sarah. Sarah started acting meaner and would ignore me and the rest of our little group, Bridget and Megan.
Halfway through April, Sarah started going out with the boy that she'd had a crush on since 6th grade. We were all so happy for her! So, when she'd hang out with him (Justin), she'd also hang out with some of his friends. The girls in that group (Jilly, Lauren, and the same Jessica) were the type of girls that made you embarressed to be a teenager. They were loud, obnoxious, and annoying. Sarah sort of started to act like her, and started to FLIRT WITH JUSTIN'S BEST FRIEND, CARLOS. This kind of made my best friend Bridget and I mad, because everything had been all about Justin forever before they started going out and now she's just kind of blowing him off. Plus, whenever she would flirt with him, Justin would get this hurt look on his face. So, we kind of gently asked her if she knew that she was flirting with Carlos, giving her the benefit of the doubt. She told us that she liked Carlos, too. We told her that this would not end well if she wasn't careful because Justin and Carlos were best friends. She blew us off.
So, about the second to last week of eighth grade, she comes to school and tells us all that she's going to give Justin a hand job this weekend. All three of us freaked and told her that was a really bad idea. She told us that it wasn't that bad, and that she was going to be fine. We tried to talk her out of it, but she wouldn't listen. If she did it, Justin would undoubtably tell Carlos, who spreads rumours like wildfire. Plus, Carlos would be jealous, so he'd probably embellish it. The Friday before she was going to do it, Bridget and I had one final attempt at talking her out of it, in choir. She got really mad, told us to mind our own damn business, and if we really cared about her, we'd be cheering her on. She would have never said that before she became friends with those other girls.
That afternoon, we all went to Six Flags for our end of the year field trip, where neither of us saw anything of Sarah. We all got our feeling hurt, and we were a little mad. We finally saw her with Jessica and them at the end of the trip, when we were gathering to get on the buses and go home.
We were standing in a line in this order: Kristin, me, Megan, Bridget, and Alex. (The other girls are our friends but not really involved in this)
Sarah came up and hugged Alex, then Megan, then Kristin, completely ignoring Bridget and I. Kristin goes, "Er, why are you hugging us?" and Sarah said, "Because I love you guys!"
Before she walked away to her bus, she turned and glared at Bridget and I.

We just kind of brushed it off and went back to normal in a couple days. A couple weeks later when the three of us were hanging out at Bridget's, I causally brought it up, because it had been bothering me. Sarah completely denyed it, even claiming that she didn't see us. I KNOW she saw me, because i had been linking arms with Kristin when she hugged her. Bridget and I got a little mad, but nothing else was said.

I was Skyping Sarah a couple weeks after that, and she told me she was breaking up with Justin. I was a little suprised, and when I asked why, she said, "He's boring." So she texted him, and broke up with him...via text.

About a week after that, Bridget, Sarah, and I were all sleeping over at Bridget's. We were walking into Bridget's living room and Sarah said, "You know who the prettiest girl is?" and I, jokingly, said "Me?" and she said, "Pshh if that was true, you would have a boyfriend!" Then about a minute later added "I was kidding!" I went into the bathroom and cried. I have such a horrible self image and I used to cut because of it. Sarah found out my secret by accident a while ago, so the fact that she knew I had problems with my body really hurt. Later, we were all eating salads in Bridget's kitchen when someone said something about Sara Palin. I said something like, "I didn't really hate her like everyone...I really didn't have a prefrence in that election!" Sarah said "Uhmmm she's horrible! She hunts!" I said, "Well, if it's just deer, that's not really THAT bad, is it?" That made her sooo mad and she started preaching about how it doesn't matter what animal it is, it shouldn't die for sport. I said something about it being population control as far as deer were concerned in our area, and she started to pout. Bridget tried to lighten the mood by making a joke because it got SUPER awkward, and that just made Sarah even madder. So, we went into Bridget's room and hung out. Bridget showed me her cup that she got for her first communion/confirmation. Sarah is a very strong athiest who shoves it down our throat all the time. Sarah said the cup was pretty until she found out why Bridget got it. Then she said that it was stupid. She started telling us how it was sad how we believed in God because He so obviously wasn't real. This went on for about an hour, until we were all laying down to sleep. Finally, I said, "Sarah, knock it off. I'm not talking about this anymore. We think differen't things, big deal! Calm down." She got really mad and acted really cold towards me until she left the next day. She pretty much ruined the sleepover.
That day, we went to the Zoo, Bridget, Megan, and I. Sarah was going to come, too, but the night of the sleepover she had said going to the Zoo was stupid, and that paired with the way she acted the previous night... you can see why she wasn't invited. She would have been cranky and rude.
We all had fun, and I got home and her Skype status was, "i guess it's better off if im alone...for everyone.. )':"
I wondered what was wrong, and so I asked her and she started telling me how I always ignore her and everyone is better off without her. I was really confused and asked her what she was talking about and all I got back was, "Um, I thought I was speaking English?" I waited a couple minutes so I could cool off from that, but I pretty much did what a good friend would do: I heard her out. What I heard, was absurd. Apperently, we always left her out. It was completely ridiculous. I asked her when, and she said when we went to the Zoo and had movie night. You know why she wasn't at the Zoo, and we had movie night ONE TIME and Sarah was with Jessica, we saw it on Facebook.
I got fed up because she wasn't listening to me, so I said, we need to all talk about this.
We did the best we could at 9:00pm on a Tuesday; Facebook group chat.
She said the same things, did the same things, so I got fed up, again, and said, "I'm leaving, this is absurd. When you're calm, Sarah, come talk to me." Then got off. I looked at the chat history after I left, the next day, and she said, "I guess Tori's gone. I guess I'm going to go cry some more and think of any reasons not to die in a hole(:" Meg said "Don't die..." And Sarah said, "We'll see..." I didn't talk to her for a long time.

My mom made me go to the Muny with her, about a month later. She wrote me 3 apology poems and said sorry. I kind of just nodded because, truth is, I didn't forgive her. She did stuff like this all the damn time, and figured it didn't matter what she did, as long as she said 'Sorry' every once in a while.

After the Muny, I talked to her, maybe one time, and she was being annoying, so I told her my medication was making me sleepy and I had to go to bed.

A couple days ago, out of the blue, she messaged me this (Straight copy and paste, all of these messages are) :

Ok. So.....I'm just gonna wing it. I am looking through every single post i have ever made on facebook of that has ever been on my page and i look at the ones from you and i think WOW what did i ever do to deserve a friend like this? I imagine a life without you and i can honestly say i hate even thinking about it. But nowadays it feels as if that image is coming to reality and I'm so afraid...so afraid that I'm never going to be as close to you as we were before. Because the truth is, i am not a good person. And i know you don't want to deal with whats going on and ur tired of me but i feel like i have to clear the air. I ruined the best friendship i've ever had. And I need you Tori...You're the only friend who truly understood me and the problems i have and you were always good to me and then i put you through SHIT utter SHIT and i hate myself for it! I have been crying for at least 5 days straight BALLING MY EYES OUT because i feel like i've lost everyone i've ever loved. & i'm finally done blaming everyone else, i realize it's me who has the problem. I'm not a good person and i MISS OH I MISS how i used to be. But i'm so SAD alll the TIME and I don't knwo why. I'm so lonely Tori I'm so alone in theworld and i NEED you. I love you so much and looking back at everything we did together, i completely HATE myself for how I started acting at the end of the year. I LOVE YOU. I NEED YOU. I need you to say your here for me. Please...i don't think I have anyone else. ANYTHING i ever said that hurt you, i AM SO SORRY. I'm crying now...and I can never sleep anymore...and I'm always alone...and my arm HURTS if you know what i mean.
If you hate me for making this dramatic then I'm so sorry That's not what I was trying to do at all. I just wanted to let you know how much you mean to me & believe me, I'm not just like this I'm ready to be happy again. I really wanna change


That comment about her arm hurting made me so mad, I had to step away from the computer. She KNEW I self harmed, she could SEE my scars...she knew that that was one of the touchiest topics for me. I almost started sobbing when the topic came up in one of my classes, I had to visit the bathroom. She always threatened to cut her arms, but I know she never did. She admitted it a long time ago that she was using it for attention and that she was sorry. She had no scratches on her arms. Nobody bullied her. Her dad didn't verbally abuse her everyday. I couldn't forgive her. She hit me in my weak spot for sympathy. She isolated me when she was mad, and wanted me to be her friend whenever she was in a fight with Jessica. She hurt my feelings so much when she was hanging out with me, that several times, I pondered self harming again. I couldn't do that all through high school. So I sent her this:

I'm really sorry, but I don't know if I can be your friend anymore. It's just really hard to trust you after all is said and done. I feel like your fallback friend, and I want to start freshman year...well, fresh. We did have a lot of good times, and I will NEVER forget them, but I think it's time to move on. I'm sorry, I hope you aren't too upset.
-Tori

She sent me this:

But I....I apologized...and I love you...and I'm sorry & I didn't do anything that bad! Tori please... You were one of the only people I have left...
You know what nevermind. I have some problems, did you know that? I'm socially awkward and I'm pretty sure I have some mental issues which makes me having friends a hard thing to do, so I'm sorry if I was never perfect. And no matter what you think, I know that I always loved you and I hate myself for everything I did to hurt you and I've been trying to FIX THIS for MONTHS.I made a video, poems, pictures, and I spilled my heart out. But it doesn't matter now, cuz it's broken, in pieces. So fine, you are better off without me anyways. Everyone always is. That's why I've basically been alone all summer. The world would be better without me. So before this is over, I'm saying I love you and you were never my fallback friend and Jilly, Jessica, all them, never really knew me like you did. So this is goodbye to one of my only true friends. Now my life is even more miserable than it already was. goodbye I love you ♥
Btw you don't need to reply back
AND don't bullshit me, of course I'm upset (please excuse the language) K now I'm done...:/

That's what happened. I haven't talked to her since. Bridget is on my side 100% and thinks I did the right thing. But I feel horrible. Bridget says that that's what she's trying to do, and not to feed into it. Megan...I'm not sure about her. Yesterday, I asked her if she wanted to go to the cinema, and she said she was broke so she couldn't. Then I asked her if she wanted to come to my house and rent a movie or something and she never replied. I don't know if she is mad at me like Sarah, or what. I know that the day I asked her, she was with Sarah for a couple hours at the mall. I don't know anymore. I'm seriously on the brink of cutting again. I've been crying for months because of this whole thing, and I'm done.

Do you think I made the right desicion? Should I suck it up and apologize? I don't know what to do!!!!!

Sorry that that was so long...you can skim it...


"It doesn't matter if you're gay, straight, purple, orange, dinosaur-I don't care" --Darren Criss




I can brown, I can be [COLOR="rgb(160, 82, 45)"]blue[/color], I can be violet sky! I can be hurtful, I can be purple, I can be anything you like! Gotta be green, gotta be mean, gotta be everything more...why don't you like me, why don't you like me, why don't you walk out the door?

Last edited by PSY; July 25th 2011 at 05:02 PM. Reason: Merged consecutive posts.
   
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Re: Please help...please. :'( - July 25th 2011, 02:13 AM

I'm really sorry all of that drama has been happening. Friend drama is the worst.
It sounds really hard. I can't really say whether you made the right choice by stopping being friends with her completely, only you can tell for sure. However, you don't deserve to have a friend that makes you feel bad like that, and if the pain she put you through was worse than the good times, you did the right thing.
Again, I'm sorry you had to go through that.
   
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Re: Please help...please. :'( - July 25th 2011, 04:39 AM

I really feel sorry for you. I don't know what you should do; I've been through a situation like this.
   
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Re: Please help...please. :'( - July 25th 2011, 06:53 AM

hey tori!
High school friend drama really is the worst, I'm so sorry that all this is happening. I can definitely relate! The only good thing is that stuff like this tends to blow over quickly, so you might find that in a few weeks school is much more bareable. to me it sounds like you made the right decision, but of course only you can decide that! Because you're going through some of your own issues like SH etc, you need to make sure you surround yourself with positive people who make you happy. Otherwise it's so hard to feel better. I was struggling with depression for a while at school, and I had a friend who sounds a lot like Sarah...she was really over dramatic, two faced etc. She had a lot of her own emotional problems too, and even though she knew I was depressed she wasn't respectful of the fact that I was really trying to get better. I think she liked having someone she could take out her frustrations on, because she knew I was a good friend and would always listen to her and put up with her. Eventually I realised that she was making me even more upset and I started to distance myself from her. I was scared that my other friends would think I was being selfish, but I really think it was the best thing for me. It's been a few years now and we're still friends, but we don't hang out just the 2 of us, or have personal conversations. It must be hard for you because you and sarah share a lot of the same friends. It might be a good idea to explain to megan and the others that you just felt you needed a break from sarah because she'd let you down. Make sure you act politely around sarah at school too..don't ignore her or anything..it's perfectly ok to be friendly to each other, even if you don't want to be around her all the time anymore. When your other friends see that you're not acting bitchy or anything, they'll probably feel better about the whole thing. At the moment they might feel like they have to choose sides, but i'm sure they'll soon realise that they can be friends with both of you. Try not to talk about sarah too much around your friends who are still close with her, as it might make them uncomfortable. You might even find that in a few weeks or months you're ready to start hanging out with sarah again In the meantime though try to focus on yourself and just being happy! That's not selfish, it's smart!


"He who does not weep, does not see" - Victor Hugo, Les Miserables.

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Re: Please help...please. :'( - July 25th 2011, 05:10 PM

I don't really think there's a "right" or "wrong" in this situation, because it all depends on when you're ready to throw in the towel. You could have done it much sooner and no one would have blamed you. You could have forgiven her once again, waited it out, then thrown in the towel later on if she hadn't really changed. While Sarah's apology did seem heartfelt (aside from that one part about her arm), it must have felt like it was "too little, too late" for you... and I can't blame you for telling her it wasn't enough, and that you wanted to move on.

I only have two recommendations after reading your post:

1. Get help for yourself.
2. Encourage Sarah to get help.

You said that you self-harm, and frankly, you appear to be easily upset by things that many people could shrug off. I hate to say that you have a thin skin... but you do. It's something you learn to toughen up with time, and I think seeing a psychological professional of some sort would greatly benefit you. You need to learn how to cope with the emotional pain you're experience. Cutting isn't a good outlet, and while crying is a more acceptable outlet, it could lead to problems later on if that's how you ALWAYS deal with highly emotional situations.

Sarah also seems to be dealing with an assortment of problems aside from your friendship. If you ever resume contact with her, I would encourage her to seek help just as you have - not because you think she's "crazy" or "psycho", but because you love her and want to see her get better. You may not be able to handle a friendship with her, but you were undoubtedly her friend at one point. The best thing a friend can do is to speak the truth, no matter how difficult that may be at times. I truly think Sarah could benefit from seeing a psychological professional as well.





   
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