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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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Unhappy Scared of the label "Bad role model" - August 1st 2011, 04:02 AM

Idk if it goes here.

But my bestfriend's mom just found out she isnt a virgin. Her evil preacher's wife auntie lied and said she wouldnt tell.... Now shes on punishment.

Im not a virgin, havent been since march. Possibly pregnant. Thing is im older than her. Ill be 18 soon going to college and shes 16 going to 10th grade. I told her, "Don't just have sex with anyone."& Use protection!" My first was my ex of 2 years. She claimed she was ready now. She wanted to be like her friends she wanted to be like me.
While i was in virginia, i get a text "Im not a virgin" I laugh because shes joking right? Wrong. Some guy she sed she knew. I don't even remember if she used protection or not. Now she wants to do more, i laugh but inside im smh. Her mom works from 6 am to 2 so shes always home alone. Her aunt hates me because her niece is always at my house. One time she told her mom maybe shes doing something bad dwn here. Omfg seriously ?!
My moms gonna find out im not one AND im pregnant. Even just the first thing im going to be "Bad role model" no more coming to see me.
How can i defend myself ? I love my bestie and only want the best for her! Shes my soul-mate. I don't want her to never comeback.
   
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Re: Scared of the label "Bad role model" - August 1st 2011, 04:34 AM

In the end you told her not to just have sex with anyone, and use protection. That was being a good role model. You can't control her actions, and at the end of the day what she did was no one's choice but her own. You're a good friend, and if anyone calls you a bad role model then you just have to ignore them, because you did everything you could.

You can't control what her parents will do either, but if you two really are that close, then I'm sure she'll find a way to still stay in contact with you. Maybe if she has a computer when she gets out of punishment you two can stay in contact over that if they tell you she can't come over. Then you can plan to 'just happen to be at the same place' over that.

Hope this helps.
   
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Re: Scared of the label "Bad role model" - August 1st 2011, 11:00 AM

You'd be a bad role model if you told your friend to screw everything with a warm body temperature and limbs. Instead, you told her, likely more than once, to not have sex and if she were to have sex, to use protection to prevent pregnancy. Although one could make the argument that you had sex and got pregnant, which contradicted what you told her, it's not a great argument because you indicated to her the difference in age and academic outcomes. However, you also seem to take care of her while she's with you beyond sexual topics. Lastly, you aspire to going to university to seek higher education. Both of those are excellent qualities of a role model. If you weren't a good role model, you wouldn't care about succeeding and you may not even do a half-ass job of taking care of her. You can only do so much, you cannot control what she does and you have your own life to live.

If I were in your shoes and her aunt bickered to me over the phone, I would tell her to put some oil on the phone, drop her pants, turn the phone side-ways and shove it up her arse. If she came in-person and bickered to me, similar thing or simply show her the middle finger and tell her to spin on it. Her aunt is acting childish by not realizing a) she likes you so let her be with people she likes, b) you take care of her to the best of your abilities and c) if she's with you more than with her aunt, it means you take better care of her than her aunt does. That's more than just a good role model, that's a good trusting friend.


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Re: Scared of the label "Bad role model" - August 1st 2011, 04:29 PM

Teens will have sex. Period. You can't stop your friends from experimenting, but what you CAN do is encourage them to be safe about it... which is exactly what you did when you told her to wait for the right guy and use protection.

At some point, you have to realize that YOU aren't responsible for your friend's actions - SHE is. At the end of the day, she's the one who makes the choice. All you can do is offer her your words of wisdom and hope she'll make the right choice.

On another note, if you haven't already done so, I would pick up a pregnancy test. You have to wait one week after your missed period, I believe, but definitely run a pregnancy test on yourself. "Possibly pregnant" isn't a status I would be comfortable with, and I doubt you like being uncertain about your status, either. In addition, if you aren't using the pill AND condoms, start using them. That is another way for you to be a "good role model" to your friends - talk and talk, AND walk the walk. =)





   
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Re: Scared of the label "Bad role model" - August 1st 2011, 11:07 PM

You can't control the thoughts and actions of those other than yourself. Meaning,if they think thay you're a bad role model, then that's what they think. I think the best thing for you to do is withdraw yourself from the situation. Yes, advise your friend to be protected and what not. But don't involve yourself anymore than you have to. Your friend is the one who made the decision to have sex. You can force her to do anything you don't want to do. People are always looking for someone to blame. So, her aunt is probably using you as a target to blame because it's easiest. In life, not everyone will like/trust you. So don't let her aunt get to you.

I understand that your biggest concern is your parents finding out that you've had sex and that you're potentially pregnant. I think that the best thing you can do right now is come clean to your parents first. They will be a whole lot more mad if they find out from someone else. It would sound better coming from you. Thete is no easy way to tell parents that your pregnant. And even if you don't tell them, they will find out anyway. Either through your friend aunt, or time (you'll eventually grow heavier with the pregnancy progressing). Right now, you'll need your parents support. I believe it would be easiest to gain if your up front and honest with them as soon as you can.


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Re: Scared of the label "Bad role model" - August 3rd 2011, 04:49 PM

Lol. The reply from the man and xx master made me laugh. I wish i could do that, probably make me feel a whole lot better.

Okay now i have a proper laptop to tell more details. I know its not effective since im on the status of "Possibly pregnant". Its hard for me to deal, because im not very grown up about my situation. I can't go to the store and buy a pregnancy test. My guyfriend can do it with ease. When my ex begged me to go ask my mother for some money i made up an excuse. But thats another story under another topic.

Secondly, i haven't been using protection since april with my ex ( we were dating at the time and i trusted him ), i couldn't just ask my mother for birth control. I told her NOT to be like me, she said she fully understands because she doesn't support what im doing. I'm aware that i might be however because me and my ex planned for it. Now hes backed out im left alone. Again, this is another topic.

Her auntie likes to fill up her mother's head (they are sister n laws) with lies and such, just because she claims to be holier-than-thou. I hate going to her church because no one speaks to me really, & i personally don't care im just saying.
My bestfriend bascially lives at my house and my mother treats her like a second daughter. I love my bestfriend/sister, shes always been there for me and i been there for her. But she told me not say that she knew about my pregnancy because she didn't want to get in trouble and possibly not come over. She told me i should have the baby but i don't want to. It'll cause me nothing but trouble. My family is freaking crazy and my mother is sick and doesn't know wether to be happy, mad or sad.
   
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Re: Scared of the label "Bad role model" - August 3rd 2011, 05:54 PM

Ashley... it's clear that you have more pressing issues to work through right now. Worrying about being a "bad role model" should be the LEAST of your concerns. First, you've got to find out if you're even pregnant. Get in the car with someone and pick up a pregnancy test. If you don't have the money for it, go to a community clinic - they generally offer those for free or on a "sliding scale" (you pay what you can). If you're not pregnant, then thank goodness, and you can put your mind at ease. If you are pregnant, then you need to start making plans. If you don't want the baby, you'll need to decide between adoption and abortion. If you carry the baby to term, whether it's for adoption or because you want to keep the baby, you'll need to get the proper pre-natal care. You can't get that if you keep your pregnancy a secret from your family. And you KNOW they would find out eventually... you can't hide the belly forever. Might as well tell them sooner and get the pre-natal care you need now, vs. waiting three months and telling them then. And for future reference, you can get free condoms and low-cost birth control at many community clinics. Seriously, they are a fantastic resource. Utilize them. They will NOT tell your family that you are sexually active, but PLEASE protect yourself from pregnancy and STDs in the future, no matter how much you love and trust your boyfriend. If you're not ready to be a mother, then you need to use protection every single day - simple as that.





   
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Re: Scared of the label "Bad role model" - August 3rd 2011, 06:50 PM

Your right. I do, but everything has come at me so fast its all so hard to come by, that i can't help but worry and be stressed. If i had any means of my own transportation or money but i don't. My ex has both of those but he won't seem to come over and talk. When i ask its all "Why?" or "Ill think about it" and thats it, i don't hear from till i text him again. I know i probably deserve this for being irresponsible and stupid. If my ex was there for me (even not together) and always checking up on me i'd be fine because i love him and i wouldn't care what anyone says. But without him i have plenty of fears....sigh my friend's mother is here....wonder whats gonna blurt out today?
   
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