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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
awkwarddreamer Offline
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Exclamation Afraid to Forgive - August 7th 2011, 06:20 AM

My Family is a little bit of a mess right. Now last year, my mother was discovered cheating on my father- they got a divorce (they were married 22 years) and IT WAS ABOUT TIME. My mother has been caught cheating on him multiple times, and every time he takes her back (says he loved her and hoped she would change)- I know she's my mother, but she:
-cheated on my father, who already had serious depression before the divorce
-stole all the money from his social security check, monthly, so we could pay bills, even though she works a job she makes thousands on a month-plumbing(dad's disabled and can barely walk, do to a work injury shortly after their marriage)
-spent the money on her boyfriends and self
-never taken care of any of her kids (used to leave us home alone, not feed, us, threaten to beat us if we bugged her, ect.)
-ran up thousand dollar debts in my dad's name and never paid, so now dad is having to pay them- we skip groceries
-told me how much she hates me and wishes she didn't have me on a monthly basis before she left- when she was home. she was never home.

She's been like that all my life (I'm eighteen now) and I'm glad she's gone for good. She's 37, and she found a 79 year old sugar daddy with money who would take her. Unfortunately, that didn't stop her from taking all the cars, most furniture, valuable things, ect. in the divorce. She even dug up the pool and took it! Even though my little sister and I stayed with our dad.

Now she drinks and does drugs with her new group of trashy friends- AND she's got my 19 year old brother doing it to! He was an ANGEL- used to never even cuss, loved his sisters, suffered with us..... and he forgave her, moved in with her, and is now a hateful, violently angry drunk druggie!

And she wants ME to forgive her, apologize for not be friendly to her and expressing my disapproval of her, and get to know her sugar daddy! Like she suddenly likes her kids now or something! She acts like Me, my sister, and dad are the bad guys who need to be nicer to her! I don't want anything to do with her! Ever again! Se's screwed me and my surviving family up enough. I struggle to help my dad pay off her debts so we have a house! I can't even go to college because of that jerk!

Now I'm a christian girl, and I've forgiven a lot- but it would be stupid to walk right back into that mess, wouldn't it? I mean, is it wrong of me to want to try to pick up and get on with my life? Without her? That's not hard hearted, that's self-preservation, isn't it? Around her, I had to take Proziac.......

But, she (and her whole side of the family) are starting to make me feel bad- like I'm cold hearted for consistently refusing to be around her and act like she's a good person. (she even cries when I refuse to talk to her)She was my mother, but never acted like a mom, or I might feel more guilty, but, come on..... wouldn't anyone act the same?
I'm trying to move on.... but how do I come to peace with this? She's gone, and she still won't lave me alone (she came down to the house while we were at church and stole our dishes- I told dad to change locks, at least we have a camera- and silverware, then kept calling me about taking me school clothes shopping! And got upset and teary when I said no, if you love me, give me the money, dishes you stole, and leave me alone!)

I just want to try to live away and without her. Is it alright if I avoid and try to forget this woman (who will never change), even if she is my mom? It'll probably ean cutting myself off from my grandparents and aunt too (but they're not much better than her.) I just can't mentally take any of their drama anymore.....
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Afraid to Forgive - August 7th 2011, 06:17 PM

i dont know how to help you, because this is all unimaginabley (uhh i dont think thats a word) horrible. im so sorry this is happening to you and PM me anytime for support cause i'll be there for you.

I wanna fly. So I do gymnastics instead.

I'll just keep holding on to what i believe and oh I believe in you. Give me the strength for the fight and the heart to believe cause I've got to believe in you. I feel so alive.

  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Afraid to Forgive - August 7th 2011, 07:33 PM

Firstly, welcome to TH.

I would just like to say forgiveness will help you in the long run. It'll help you move on and be able to live your life without feeling resentful towards your mother. However, forgiveness does NOT necessarily mean to drop all walls and let her back into your life. That is entirely your decision and it seems to me like making that decision is stressing you out. Therefore, maybe some time away is what's best for you.

Good luck and if you ever want to talk feel free to PM me.
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Re: Afraid to Forgive - August 7th 2011, 11:18 PM

God asks us to forgive those who have wronged us... but he doesn't ask us to forget the wrongdoings. If you want to go with a biblical perspective, we are commanded to forgive others (Matthew 6:14-15), but we are also told to avoid keeping company with sinful individuals (2 Corinthians 6:14). If you want to go with a non-biblical perspective, forgiving is important because it allows us to move on with our lives, but part of moving on may mean avoiding the people we have forgiven, no matter how sorry they are. You are only human, and it is natural to want to protect yourself, ESPECIALLY when your mom doesn't express any remorse and continues to destroy your family with her irresponsible behavior.

Feel free to PM me any time if you want to talk.

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Re: Afraid to Forgive - August 8th 2011, 02:49 AM

I think she is missing a step which is restitution. When someone wrongs someone else, they need to show contrition, that is, show that they are really sorry, and they need to make restitution, that is trying to make it right for them. Then they can start to ask for forgiveness.

I think when your mother apologizes for what she has done and asks you how she can help you - is it to stay away, or to give you grocery money, or go to counseling with you - then that is the time for thinking about it. But right now it sounds like she wants you to "forgive" her only so she can feel better about herself. That is not how it works.

Maybe in some time you will want to forgive her but you will know when it is YOUR time to forgive. Right now she is asking you on HER time to forgive. That is not the same.

Thank you for posting this because I have a situation with my father leaving that I was twisted up about tonight and writing to you reminds me I don't have to solve it just now, it is okay to be hurt for a while.
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Re: Afraid to Forgive - August 8th 2011, 03:55 AM

First of all, I'm so sorry for everything that you've had to go through with your family. It's really tough to forgive someone after they've caused you so much pain. I'm a Christian, so I personally believe that forgiveness is important. Even if you're not a Christian, forgiving your mother will help you. It doesn't mean that you need to forget what she did or come in contact with her ever again. It just means that you don't have to carry the weight of a grudge on your shoulders. I'll be praying for you and everyone in your family, including your mom and brother, that they might change their ways.

If you ever need to talk to someone, feel free to PM me.

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Re: Afraid to Forgive - August 10th 2011, 08:01 PM

You said you were a Christian. We are told to forgive, but sometimes that takes a while. What I would advise from a Christian stand point is to pray that you will be able to forgive, as well pray for her as a person and for her soul if she is not saved.

As for college I am sorry that she is the cause of you not getting to go right now, but two things to keep in mind. First there are various scholarships and other forms of aide. The second is that you do not have to go as a traditional age student which is usually considered eighteen to twenty-four by most places.

Good luck and I am sorry about this.


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Re: Afraid to Forgive - August 13th 2011, 05:36 AM


I think you should just take your time. I believe in forgiving no matter what. But I also believe that they should earn that forgiveness. And now, I don't think you mom deserves it.

A time will come when she feels bad about it all and will want your forgiveness truly and deeply and I believe, that is the time for you to forgive her. When its time, you'll no.

And I advise you to move on. I know, it's hard but there's no wrong in trying, is there? So just try to move on. Get on with your life. Do whats best for you and your family. And try to give your mom some respect cuz after all, she is your mother. Just think about that whenever you feel hatred or anything like that towards her. And soon, you'll be ready to forgive her.

Hope I helped.
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Re: Afraid to Forgive - August 14th 2011, 11:45 AM

Well forgiveness is the best you can do you don't have to like her but you should forgive her. Think of the times somebody forgave you. She may not deserve your forgiveness (mom) but it would be the right thing to forgive her
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Re: Afraid to Forgive - August 14th 2011, 03:04 PM

You can forgive someone, but that doesn't mean it's easy to forget what they did or the way they acted. You can forgive someone, but that doesn't mean you have to hang out with them or have anything to do with them. Of course you don't even have to forgive her because honestly, I wouldn't. She wasn't a mother at all from the sounds of it and you're definitely better off without her in your life. If she regrets it now and is wondering why you won't talk to her, she'd have to be completely oblivious to not see the reasons why. Everything she's done and the way she's treated you all is completely unfair and horrible. She doesn't deserve to have a relationship with any of you after all that. And you definitely DO NOT owe her an apology, so I would refuse to apologize to her for anything. Tell her she's the one who should apologize for not being a mother!
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