TeenHelp
Support Forums Today's Posts

Get Advice Connect with TeenHelp Resources
HelpLINK Facebook     Twitter     Tumblr     Instagram    Hotlines    Safety Zone    Alternatives


You are not registered or have not logged in

Hello guest! (Not a guest? Log in above!)

As a guest on TeenHelp you are only able to use some of our site's features. By registering an account you will be able to enjoy unlimited access to our site, and will be able to:

  • Connect with thousands of teenagers worldwide by actively taking part in our Support Forums and Chat Room.
  • Find others with similar interests in our Social Groups.
  • Express yourself through our Blogs, Picture Albums and User Profiles.
  • And much much more!

Signing up is free, anonymous and will only take a few moments, so click here to register now!


Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

Closed Thread
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
  (#1 (permalink)) Old
TakeTheLeap Offline
Member
I've been here a while
********
 
TakeTheLeap's Avatar
 
Name: Emily
Age: 30
Gender: Female
Location: Virginia

Posts: 1,309
Join Date: January 5th 2009

Future Mother-In-Law - August 10th 2011, 05:41 AM

Hello Everyone!

Before going into this, I have a few acronyms to clarify...
DF = Dear Fiance
FMIL = Future Mother-In-Law
FIL = Future-In-Laws
It's a little long but PLEASE take the time to read and share your thoughts.

I'm hoping that I could please get some advice on some things that have developed in the last few months with my future in-laws and I with making the decision on when exactly their son and I should get married... Let's just say, things have not been going well...

In June, his parents made the suggestion that he and I consider getting married over Christmas when he is home for his two week leave (he JUST graduated from A School and is now moving on to C School where he'll spend approx. 5 or 6 months). Although there are some definite benefits to the idea (such as the pay increase, among other things), I'm not sure I'm exactly keen on the idea. A couple of concerns of mine have been that we haven't seen each other since he left for boot camp back in January and we wouldn't see each other until just before the wedding, which... isn't ideal. On top of this, one of the requirements of my Church (I'm Catholic) is that pre-marital counseling must take place before getting married. I called my priest and we spoke for almost an hour about different options (such as getting married by the JOP and not living together until we get married by the Church... Kinda farfetched, I know), and I came to the conclusion that I'm just too strong in my faith and I know if I were to do what my in-laws want, I wouldn't be happy. Yes, getting married sooner would be wonderful, but I'd be completely neglecting my principles/values.
Fr. Joe and I finally discussed the most plausible idea and the option sounds like the best for giving me what I want. We will do the FOCUS sessions (premarital counseling) during the 2 weeks that DF is home at Christmas. During that same time, we'll be able to get our engagement photos done, do our wedding registry TOGETHER (which I was worried about having to do by myself), AND we'd be able to pick our wedding bands out together. It's a lot to do in 2 weeks, but it can be done! We would then get married, hopefully, in June (as long as he can get leave, which I don't think will be a problem - I've asked him to talk to some of his instructors to see if he can find some of that information out). Being a teacher, I would be done for the summer, so this timing would be much more ideal. Plus, I have NEVER wanted to be a winter bride (or share an anniversary with my FILs or a holiday... They got married on Christmas).

So yesterday evening, I broke the news of my decision to my FILs and surprisingly, DF's dad took it a lot better than his mom (or maybe not so surprisingly?). His dad completely understood me standing by my principles, but his mom... not so much. She started asking me about why my parents could get married by a JOP and it not conflict with the Church's views (it's complicated...). I actually got really offended by it. THEN she suggested that DF and I get married in THEIR church instead of mine, and then get married in my church later... DF and I discussed it, and it was made clear that I am much stronger in my faith than he is in his faith, so the decision was clear (and final). THEN the FMIL mentioned that her son is, "Really torn between making a decision to further his career, and getting married." The context for this comment was that after C School, he will have somewhat of a choice for his first assignment, and he could choose somewhere near his family or somewhere that might be better for his field. Now, Eric has never told me that was a concern of his, so I'm not even sure it's an issue... At any rate, that comment made my heart sink and it seems like she's trying to guilt me into doing what SHE wants and focing me to disregard what I want.

I talked with my mom about it and she told me to hold tight to my principles, but at the same time, I really don't want my FMIL to be upset with me... I hear way too often about women clashing with their MIL's and she and I have gotten along pretty well until this came up, and I don't want it to destroy our relationship. Please please PLEASE help me... I'm so confused. :/


“Don't get too comfortable with who you are at any given time. You may miss the opportunity to become who you want to be." ~Jon Bon Jovi

   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
PSY Offline
Hugh Jackman ♥

TeenHelp Veteran
*************
 
PSY's Avatar
 
Name: Robin
Age: 30
Gender: Female
Location: Southern California

Posts: 10,034
Blog Entries: 35
Join Date: June 12th 2009

Re: Future Mother-In-Law - August 10th 2011, 07:56 PM

My guess is that your FMIL is looking forward to the wedding - and she wants to celebrate it as soon as possible! While postponing the wedding until this summer makes sense, it's not as soon as it COULD be... and your FMIL is feeling a bit disappointed as a result. Deep down, she probably realizes that this option makes the most sense, but she can't help but try and find ways to make it work anyway. The guilt-tripping may not really be intentional - she may just be hoping that something she says will change your mind, thus persuading you to have the wedding sooner vs. later.

Stick to your principles. The bottom-line is that you are getting married, not your FMIL. This wedding should be memorable - for good reasons. =P Your fiance seems to understand, and so does your future father-in-law, so your mother-in-law will probably come around in a few months' time. She'll probably pitch a fit again as Christmas draws closer, but she'll calm down after the holidays - after her chance to change your mind has passed. And even if she doesn't calm down... well, it's not the end of the world. You'll still be marrying a wonderful man, and even if the wedding is a bit of a sore point with your FMIL, it's not the only thing you'll be dealing with throughout the course of your relationship with her.





   
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
TakeTheLeap Offline
Member
I've been here a while
********
 
TakeTheLeap's Avatar
 
Name: Emily
Age: 30
Gender: Female
Location: Virginia

Posts: 1,309
Join Date: January 5th 2009

Re: Future Mother-In-Law - August 11th 2011, 10:39 PM

Thanks for the reply, Psy! I never thought about it just being from the excitement about the wedding, but that makes total sense. She's bought me some wedding magazines (yay!) and even bought a pattern and material to handmake my veil (not so yay...).
I wonder if there's a way to make her feel included in the planning without having her make a lot of the decisions? Might you have any suggestions for that?


“Don't get too comfortable with who you are at any given time. You may miss the opportunity to become who you want to be." ~Jon Bon Jovi

   
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
PSY Offline
Hugh Jackman ♥

TeenHelp Veteran
*************
 
PSY's Avatar
 
Name: Robin
Age: 30
Gender: Female
Location: Southern California

Posts: 10,034
Blog Entries: 35
Join Date: June 12th 2009

Re: Future Mother-In-Law - August 11th 2011, 10:56 PM

Hmmm... if there's a particular aspect of the wedding that isn't *as* important to you (ex. the food served at the reception), you could put her in charge of that (but pretend it's OMGSOIMPORTANT and you REALLYNEEDHERHELP). You could also put her in charge of "communicating" with the people/companies in charge of photography, food, decorations, music, etc., then make sure you call them after she does to confirm she got everything right (but don't tell her you're doing that - otherwise, she'll be FURIOUS xD).





   
Closed Thread

Bookmarks

Tags
future, motherinlaw

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




All material copyright ©1998-2019, TeenHelp.
Terms | Legal | Privacy | Conduct | Complaints

Powered by vBulletin®.
Copyright ©2000-2020, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Search engine optimization by vBSEO.
Theme developed in association with vBStyles.