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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
emaryllisxx Offline
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Unhappy Sometimes I wonder if my friends are really my friends... - March 17th 2009, 09:28 PM

I've always spent a lot of my time trying to help out my friends with their problems or needs. I've edited papers, talked on the phone with them for hours to comfort them, gone out of my way to help out. And often I do these things at my own cost - I overlook my own stuff in my attempt to help.

Recently I've been feeling hurt and disappointed because, despite all the things I've done for her, my best friend never seems to REALLY have the time to talk about MY troubles. She doesn't seem to make the effort that I've made. In some ways, I understand that it can be difficult to console someone who's upset. But I still feel sad and angry because she has always (unintentionally) made me feel like a doormat, like the only thing she needs me for is schoolwork help. And she can be insensitive and oblivious (often shifts the conversation to herself and her own problems).

Another thing is, my friends KNOW that coming to me for help often takes away a lot of time for my own business. And yet they STILL ask me to do things for them. They ask in an apologetic tone, so they know very well that they probably shouldn't ask, that my parents are upset with me for being too helpful and available. And yet they ask anyway.

I'm not saying that my friends are in any way mean or uncaring. If I came to them crying, I know they would help me. But...is it wrong for me to feel unappreciated, alone, and a little angry, all things considered?
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Re: Sometimes I wonder if my friends are really my friends... - March 17th 2009, 09:33 PM

the last thing you want to be is a pushover - be assertive, and don't let them trample all over you. tell your friends what you really feel - it wouldn't hurt. if they don't treat you the same way you treat them, they really don't deserve your help. i'd just like to say though, it's very sweet of you to be helping your friends even though they haven't been quite as helpful. that's a rare trait among friends these days, although, please learn to control yourself at times. you may just end up becoming trampled and feel used, and you don't want that. the best way to solve this situation is talk to your friends about it - otherwise, you'll regret never even telling them. please consider. ^^

. smile .
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Re: Sometimes I wonder if my friends are really my friends... - March 17th 2009, 10:15 PM

It's definitely not unreasonable for you to feel upset over everything. The thing is, though, you have to let your friends know how you're feeling. Explain to them something like.. "Sometimes I feel like my feeling are pushed aside. It makes me feel upset when ________." This way they will know what's on your mind. If you don't open up about it, they will just keep doing it. Be honest about it, but also remain tactful. While you want to get your point across, you don't want everything to explode.

On a side note, I'd just like to point out that I think it's wonderful your friends feel comfortable enough to come to you with things. It may be a little upsetting when they don't first consider you or how you are, but it shows they have a lot of trust and comfort when talking to you.

Either way, I hope stuff works out.

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Re: Sometimes I wonder if my friends are really my friends... - March 18th 2009, 01:42 AM

It's good that you take time out to help friends. You need to make sure that your friends understand how much you are sacrificing for them, so they won't take advantage of you.

The next time you have a problem you would like to discuss with them say

"I have a problem that I would like your advice in. I know you often confide in me with your problems I hope I can do the same with you."

If you say something along the lines of that I can guarantee you that they will happily discuses and help you with your problems.
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Re: Sometimes I wonder if my friends are really my friends... - March 18th 2009, 05:43 PM

Hi there,

I really understand where you're coming from with this and it's not fair that they are just talking to you for advice or homework. It's really important that you start letting them know that you have things to do as well. Try telling them you need to finish what you are working on and that you'll help them afterward. That way you can still lend a hand if they need it, but you are putting your time into your work first.

I think it's really disappointing that you would have to go to your friends in tears for them to comfort you. That's not fair at all! You've put in a lot of time and effort for them, and it's completely understandable that you need someone to listen and help you too. If you want to talk to them about something, maybe start out by saying you have something on your mind and you want to talk to someone about it and then ask if they have time. Or let them know there's something bothering you or something you need help with. Hopefully they'll take it up from there and listen, but if not I think you really need to talk to them about this. Just let them know that you need someone there to listen too and that you'd really appreciate it if they took the time to help you out.

If you ever need to talk, don't hesitate to PM me at any time.

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