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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
McGuff Offline
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should i ease myself out of the friendship? - March 18th 2009, 04:03 AM

I'm not feeling much of any kind of emotion right now. probably because this whole thing has been going on for months now. Usually, if I want advice on something troubling me, i go to either my good friend (let's call her "H") or my girlfriend of over two years, Jessi. But i find it harder and harder to go to them about this, and I don't trust myself to make any more decisions on the subject, as i have rarely, if ever, made a good one.

Long story very short, back in late January I convinced myself I was in love with H. I told Jessi immediately, and several days later I told H. H and Jessi are/were best friends. Rightfully, H has never looked at me the same since, and Jessi's paranoia about me loving H has never, and probably will never recover

I've never been able to forgive myself, but I've come to terms with that, that's not why I'm here. And me and Jessi are fine, and so are the two of their friendships, and she might fully be able to trust me again with the years ahead. I still plan on marrying that girl <3

I'm here asking for advice on H. My Friendship with H is better than I should have with her. and though I annoy her often with just my presence, we can enjoy each others company often enough, and she claims to still enjoy me as a friend.
But it's that occasional look she gives me sometimes when i go up to her --and even sometimes when i just intend to pass her and she thinks I'm going up to her. Her smile vanishes, and she looks at me like i am a stress unto itself for her. sometimes, I know i deserve it. Like when I'm depressed about the whole situation, she doesn't like being around me, because she doesn't like to deal with me when I'm sad --it took me a while to come to terms with that, but i have, and it's okay. But other times, when it seems the whole day has been fine with her. much better in fact than normal, she can realy enjoy my company! and then she suddenly gets bitter towards me. seemingly to me for no reason at all. I guess i just cross the line somehow, somewhere in her enjoying being around me, but that's not the point.

My point is that I'm not sure if i should give a more permanent distance to her. she never has made an attempt to contact me, or anything, so that won't be a problem. and over the past week I've slowly gotten myself used to more and more space, and it's helped a lot with our friendship. but she still has those moments where she can't stand the sight of me. I know it's just me, because i can see her be happy and hyper with everyone in the theatre production, and when i come close she loses her energy. it's kind of hard to miss.
I have a plan to give her more space starting today with no contact outside of school, and then more after the play is done with in a couple of weeks because there will be no working together except first period.

that brings me to why i come here now. Should i ease myself out of the friendship as a whole? it would be best for her. I'm a stress in her life, there is no denying that. or should i continue and just leave it as a "break" for a while in hopes that she can get the "space" that she never got after the event back in late January?

I really want to keep her as a friend, no matter how small of one, but would that be best for HER? let alone Jessi. whom i "trigger" when i go to her about the whole mess.
Do i even deserve them? either of them... i wasn't planning on asking that question, but now that I've written all of this i want to get that out...

thank you.


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I'll fix him restore him... With the love if no other
Think of all the things you did before
Write them in a letter that says 'Rebor
n'"

--Three Evils (Embodied in Love and Shadow)
by Coheed and Cambria

   
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Re: should i ease myself out of the friendship? - March 18th 2009, 05:12 PM

Hey Scott,

I've never been a firm believer in the idea of people 'deserving' or 'not deserving' friends. In my opinion, everyone deserves friends and it's how you treat them and how they treat you that determines whether or not it is a genuine friendship.

From what it sounds like, you've gone through some tough times with your friend H. It's understandable that right now she's not comfortable around you, but I think she needs a bit of space and time to get over it. I don't think breaking the friendship is necessary at all, and I think it should be up to her on whether or not she wants to be friends, instead of you deciding what's best for her. No matter what you said, it sounds like you are still a good friend. I really think you should do your best to keep up the friendship. Give her a little more time to think things over, but that doesn't mean cutting her off. Talk to her, hang out with her, and show her that you still care about being her friend. Hang out in groups if that will help her be more comfortable.

I'm thinking it would be a bit difficult for Jessi if you break the friendship with H, since they're friends, but I don't think that's why you should keep it up. Ask yourself, do you still like hanging out with H? Do you still like talking with her and being there for her? It's up to you to make the decision about what you do, but to me it just sounds like H needs a bit of time to think.

Nat.


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Re: should i ease myself out of the friendship? - March 19th 2009, 03:02 AM

i think that you deserve the both of them.

this is complicated.. i know. but the best thing you could do for both right now is be a blessing to their lives.. i think that right now, you should keep the friendship.however awkward it may be, i KNOW it will probably hurt them more to break the friendship with H.

this is complicated. However, giving it this much thought alone, means that you're a good friend who considers other people's feelings important...that alone makes you a special person in your own right

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Re: should i ease myself out of the friendship? - March 19th 2009, 04:30 AM

thank you guys. really.
I needed that reassurance.
:-)


"Picture a young boy in pieces and streets with leveled malfunctions
No name to be called 'Redeemer'
I'll fix him restore him... With the love if no other
Think of all the things you did before
Write them in a letter that says 'Rebor
n'"

--Three Evils (Embodied in Love and Shadow)
by Coheed and Cambria

   
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