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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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Issues with my bestie. - September 8th 2011, 10:30 PM

Okay, so where to start?

Me and my friend have been friends since 8th grade. We just started 10th grade and we are as close as two friends could be. But, since about a month ago she's changed a lot. She went on vacation and she started talking to these people on this online gaming chat room. She got really attached to one of the guys on there and they started 'dating'. I knew that it wasn't good for her and when I tried to tell her how I felt she got insanely angry with me and said I was wrong.

Well, this guy ended up not even liking her at all and after a fight with him, she told me to never let her get attached to a guy online ever again. I agreed. We started playing an MMORPG called Lucent Heart. There is this soul mate feature and she used it. She was paired up with a guy. I didn't think much of it at first but then they started flirting. Like REALLY flirting. I was uneasy about the situation and then it started getting MEGA creepy when I found out this guy is a 21 year old freshman in college. She is a 15 year old 10th grader.

After she had this big fight with her dad, he banned her from Lucent Heart. Still, she kept talking to this guy on skype. I was starting to get really worried about her because he was flirting back and it was really creepy to me. I asked her why she was flirting with him and she said that she wished she didn't know his age. Which I instantly knew that she was crushing on him. I got even more creeped out when he admitted to flirting with her. I told her it would probably not be a good idea to keep flirting with him the way she was. Then she got angry with me and yelled at me. Then she told him that I didn't want her talking to him anymore at all, and then left. So now he won't talk to me anymore either. I feel like she wants it to be my fault but I don't think it is. I was just super worried and didn't want her to get attached and hurt again. She then proceeded to tell me what a horrible friend I was being and that the guy had been doing a much better job then I was. I asked my mom about it and she tried to explain it to me, why she would even still want to talk to him, but I still feel like I need someone else to talk about this with.

Also, in the same night she spilled out how she was feeling about her parents. She told me she hates them because her dad yells at her all the time and her mom doesn't do anything. Her little sister gets everything she wants and she keeps saying that she's just gonna stop talking to everyone but me. I don't think this is a good idea for her and I asked her to talk to a trusted teacher or adult about it but she doesn't think she needs to talk to anyone cause It'll just make the situation worse. I don't want her to sink into depression or anything or to start cutting herself. I know not all people do, but I don't want it to get that bad. I've already had one friend commit suicide and one friend attempt, I don't want that to happen to her if she get's too depressed. I stopped pushing the issue because I don't want her to hate me. I don't know what to do with this situation.

I really think that she needs some sort of therapy or some adult to talk to but she says she's fine and that she doesn't need or want any help. And what can I do to help her stay away from this online dating? She thinks it's okay because she's never going to meet the person but she cried when the guy from the chat room broke up with her. Can anyone give a super worried friend some advice about this complicated issue? Also, I'm so sorry for how long this is. I have absolutely no one to go to with this and this is the first time I've told anyone anything about it.

And all of this, just happened last night.

[EDIT]
She went back to talking to him. I'm so worried about her...

Last edited by OtherSideOfZeRainbow; September 8th 2011 at 11:20 PM.
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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Issues with my bestie. - September 10th 2011, 05:08 PM

Hey there, online dating can be unsafe, but sometimes it's not. I think your friend would be far less angry with you if you took the time to get to know the guys she talks to. Yes, he is a little old for her, but at the same time, my mom got married to someone twenty-seven years her senior. If I were you, maybe I would ask to participate in a group skype call with both her and the chat room guy. Get to know him, see what he is like, and what his intentions are. You can tell your friend he is unsafe until you're blue in the face, but if you've never talked to him or taken the time to get to know him, then you have no way to back up your claim. Quite frankly, I wouldn't be too pleased if my friend told me to stop dating online and didn't give me a valid reason. You're totally in the right for being concerned. Tell your friend why you're concerned for her. In a nice way. Getting mad at each other doesn't do any good on either side. Try to understand where she is coming from. You never know, the guy could be harmless!

I'm sorry that you've had to go through losing a friend and almost losing another. You're right, not all people get to the point of needing to use self harm to cope with their emotions, but it is possible. I would tell her you're here for her if she ever needs to talk or needs support. But really, if she doesn't want help, you can't make her get help. All you can do is be there for her and help her through some of the issues. If she begins to become suicidal, or cutting, you need to tell someone about it. If she doesn't want help, then she won't get it. But if she is suicidal, you can tell someone and prevent it.

Take care.


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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Issues with my bestie. - September 10th 2011, 05:25 PM

The thing is, I HAVE talked with him in group chat with them. I talked to him privately without her in the group. I'm worried because he has family where we live, so if he comes to see them and calls her (yes, they exchanged phone numbers) and asks to come over, something might happen. When I talk to him he is either always complaining and cussing about his college life or he's talking (obsessive talking) and my best friend. I don't know, I just think that's a little weird.

When we DO chat in a group on Skype, they always leave me out of the conversations and flirt. I always have to privately message her and ask her nicely to stop ignoring me while we talk. And my friend is always telling me how much she wishes she didn't know how old he was or that she was 18. She's only known the guy for a week. She cries if she doesn't get to talk to him. Is this kind of attachment normal for a 15 year old girl?

Every time I bring up the conversation, I'm always polite and careful. But she always blows up in my face about it. She won't listen to my reasons. She just logs off the internet or walks away from me at school. She'll also stop answering my texts.

I have spoken with my Great Aunt (who is a professional therapist) and she told me to tell our school counselor. She said I should tell her about this because he IS 6 years older than her. I get that a lot of adults are a lot older than their spouse, but it's different with minors.

Thank you for responding and giving me advice though. I REALLY appreciate it. I've been freaking out this past week and I really needed someone to talk to about it. Thank you so, SO much.
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  (#4 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Issues with my bestie. - September 10th 2011, 05:36 PM

I completely agree, that it is different with minors. The age thing. I didn't know you have already talked to him, and told her your concerns nicely. If she is just going to get mad at you for voicing your opinion, then I would just let it go. Its not worth the headache. If it begins to become unsafe, and you feel she is in danger, I would talk to someone. But for now, I would leave it be. It's her life. Girls sometimes let their feelings for someone get in the way of reality. There sometimes isn't anything you can do except wait it out and be there for her if she needs to. Just make sure she is safe. You're a great friend.

I'm happy I could help!


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  (#5 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Issues with my bestie. - September 10th 2011, 05:39 PM

Alright. Thank you!
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  (#6 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Issues with my bestie. - September 10th 2011, 05:48 PM

Unfortunately sweetheart, at the end of the day a person will choose to be and do what they want. I am sorry to hear that you and your friend are having problems but as others said, it might be better to try and get to know the guy instead of assuming the worst about him and his relationship with your friend.

To be a good friend is to accept the person they want as their significant other even if you may not approve of their decision at first. If this guy really is a jerk to your friend, your loyalty will show through eventually and she will hopefully see the difference between you.

If however anything does happen between your friend and her interest, and she is in any sort of harm, then it is a good idea to talk your friend first. If she is not willing to stay away even if he is abusive, then tell someone you trust and go from there.

I love forward to hearing back from you. Good luck!
   
  (#7 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Issues with my bestie. - September 10th 2011, 05:56 PM

HeartofanAngel:

The thing is, I HAVE talked with him in group chat with them and I have gotten to know him. I talked to him privately without her in the group. I'm worried because he has family where we live, so if he comes to see them and calls her (yes, they exchanged phone numbers) and asks to come over, something might happen. When I talk to him he is either always complaining and cussing about his college life or he's talking (obsessive talking) about my best friend. I don't know, I just think that's a little weird.

When we DO chat in a group on Skype, they always leave me out of the conversations and flirt. I always have to privately message her and ask her nicely to stop ignoring me while we talk. And my friend is always telling me how much she wishes she didn't know how old he was or that she was 18. She's only known the guy for a week. She cries if she doesn't get to talk to him. Is this kind of attachment normal for a 15 year old girl?

I just really don't want something bad to happen to her.
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