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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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TheQuietGirl Offline
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Complicated Parent issues I need serious help on. - September 10th 2011, 11:23 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of rape or abuse, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I am honestly not sure if this would be triggering, however I know it makes me sad/frustrated to think about, so I marked it.

Let's start with my mother. She's been a stay-at-home mom from since when I was little. However she used to hit me (across the face), when I did something "bad". She would taunt me with my sister, and laugh when I fell on the floor crying, begging her to stop. She was claiming she was giving back what I did to her. Because, you know, us 3 year olds are just planning evil during nap-time. I have self-esteem issues and an embarassing flinch and trust issue because of her. Plus some fears, however those may not be important.
My dad worked to much to ever really be there. However when he was there, he was willing to cooperate with little me, to make something work. He was nicer to me, however he never told my mother to stop. Even now, he defends her. He said I can come live with him, but I'm clausterphobic and a 1 bedroom apartment won't work (I've tried). I just get to mad about having no privacy, and such cramped corners.

My dad would move, he if had the money. What I just figured out on my 2 hour bus-ride to school is why he doesn't have enough money. Because I know how much he makes yearly.
It's because my mother refuses to get a lawyer and divource him. she won't go to a family lawyer, because they won't work as hard? (her reasoning) but she isn't even saving up for one. Now, why? She is making my dad pay all of her bills, the house (my dad doesn't live in), her car, water, garbage etc. So how can he buy his own house, when he's paying for my mom's?

She refuses to even look for another job, because... I don't know. This deal is too sweet that she pays nothing. Her job makes minimum wage (I think, because she makes less than I do at my summer job..and I'm 14) and she won't look elsewhere..

Now I'm mad because my mother makes me cry everyday, and I want to go live with my dad, but I can't handle the apartment. He'd buy a new house, but she's sucking the money out of him. AND She's only keeping me living here (using the guilt-trip because I'm too sensitive for my own good) because she gets more tax returns if I'm with her.

...What do I do?

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Re: Complicated Parent issues I need serious help on. - September 10th 2011, 12:57 PM

i think here u clearly have two choices live with your mum and cry everyday or live with your dad and get clausterphobic both of them isnt the best situation but do u have any other choice? is there anybody else you could stay with for abit just to let things settle down or to give urself a break. I guess the way u make up ur mind is to think about which place would be happier, can u sit down and talk to your mum and tell her how your feeling ? or would she react the way she did when u were younger or could u try and find away to deal with your clausterphobia.
"Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear
like that smart guy said (i hav no idea who he is ur fear will always be there but maybe if u face it ur life will get easier i mean would u be happier with ur dad

i really hope things turn out ok for u i hope this helped although im kinda new at this advice stuff
message me if u need anyone to be there for u
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Re: Complicated Parent issues I need serious help on. - September 10th 2011, 02:54 PM

Both of them drive me mad. Why can't my mom just grow up, get a divource, and get a big-girl job. Yeah, I could stay with my sister on weekends, however when I come home my mom makes an effort to make my life hell from the SECOND I come home.

If I sit down and try to talk, she won't listen, make false promises, and yell at me.

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Re: Complicated Parent issues I need serious help on. - September 10th 2011, 04:26 PM

The way I see it, you're worrying about things you can't control. And that can be detrimental to ones sanity. I know how hard it is not to worry about your parents divorce and the money situation. I feel like if you could let go and let them deal with their issues, you would feel more at peace. Even though those things effect you, they're not your issue to deal with.

My thinking is, you can either choose to live with a person who makes you cry all the time, or with the person in a house that is cramped. Both seem like sucky situations, but what other option do you have? You sometimes have to make best with what you got. I know your mom yells at you a lot, but I think it would be beneficial for you to spend time with friendsm or at after school events. The more fun and leisure activities you pursue, the easier it will be to feel happy, even in your mothers home. I know this can be extremely hard, but maybe try staying as optimistic as possible. I know it's not easy to do this, but it's worth a try, right?

I also think you should consider counseling of some sort, whether it be professional or just a school guidance counselor. I feel like a counselor would help you to organize your thoughts and give you ways to help cope with the stressful living situation. Plus, a counselor would be a great person to vent to. You don't have to hold everything inside. That can't feel good either. Letting go of some of that sadness, or emotion can be a really healthy thing, right now you just have to nake do with what you have, and try to make the best of it.

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Re: Complicated Parent issues I need serious help on. - September 10th 2011, 04:43 PM

Abigail, first, i'm really sorry about Max. They do lose their animalness so quickly, emotional attachment does that, and when they pass on, it's like a part of you goes with them. Take care of yourself, there's grief there.

OK, you have basically two choices: Adapt to your mom, or adapt to new quarters with dad. One involves adapting to someone who enrages you, the other involves adapting to the unfamiliar. You have to decide which you could most successfully adjust to. I know which would be easier for me, success is easier when you feel some control over the outcome, based on developing skills on your own. The other requires things from the other person they might not be able to provide.

Consider living with dad for a while and give yourself the time to develop the skills to adjust to a new environment.

PM me with the link of the post you'd like me to respond to.
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