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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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josh_e10 Offline
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Exclamation I need advice! :( - September 23rd 2011, 06:24 PM

Hey everyone, I'm new to the forums, i read them a lot but never post for some reason! anyway..

Back in january, my parents split up, and my dad moved down to a farm house at his work which is about a 5 minute walk from where we live.. Long story short, no marriage goes without some sort of argument and to cut to the point, my mother took a Co-Codomol overdose, and has to be taken to hospital to get pumped out. Me and my mum are very close, we talk about a lot of things, and the family decided that mum couldn't live at our home because of where dad is. We are going to move to Markethill, still looking for a house, but when we find one, we are going to move. At first I didn't like the idea, because our home is in the country and this is a town we're moving to. My cousin got me to get to know a few people in the town because I was going to be living there soon and I needed to get to know a few people to pal around with. I got to know Ryan, Ross, Adam and Henry. Me and Ryan get along like a house on fire, I would consider him my best friend, we've gotten so close over the past few weeks, and we've only known each other a month. I found having a group of guy friends a real privilege because I usually get along far better with girls, and I would have al ot of girls as best friends, so for me, this was a change indeed. We always do something every weekend ever since we all met, like tomorrow we're going to the cinema. From where I live, Markethill is a 25 minute drive away and I can only go at weekends which sucks, and can only meet up with them for the saturday because my mum doesn't want me to get sick of them or spending too much time with them. She doesn't know them that well and has only met Adam, and she really doesn't know how close me and Ryan are and how well we get along. Anyway, I really want to stay over at Ryan's, because we get along so well and I usually have to go home early from Markethill because I live so far away, but when I ask my mum she says no with no questions asked because she doesn't know him and his family, and I dont know how i can prove that me and Ryan are such good friends. My auntie told my mum that she heard reports of him drinking Buckfast in the local park, which isn't even true because he even told me himself that he doesn't drink the drink or even drink in parks, so how do I prove that it's not true? I don't really want to ask Ryan out to my house basically because there's nothing at all to do and I don't want him to think I'm a complete bore. I just really want to somehow show to my mum that he is a really nice person and he's been there for me a lot even if we havent known each other that long, and my mum doesn't want me to get with a crowd that drinks because she absolutely hates me drinking and will not allow it until i'm 18 (i'm 15 atm).

So could you guys advise me on what to do?

thanks so much for your help.

   
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Re: I need advice! :( - September 23rd 2011, 06:49 PM

The absolute best thing you can do to prove that he's a good person is have your mom meet him somehow. I know you don't want him to come over to your house because you think that he'd be bored, but maybe he wouldn't. Also, if being with him and spending the night at his house is that important to you having him meet your mom would be worth it. Maybe if you guys go there to look at houses or something you can set aside some time for her to meet him and his family?


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Re: I need advice! :( - September 23rd 2011, 09:28 PM

Hi Josh,

In addition to Kate's excellent advice, you might try to talk with your mum about the importance of your time with Ryan, and commit to her to not drink or do anything she'd not want you to. Work with her on her (hopeful!) recognition of your being a solid, trustworthy kid, that might help cut thru her anxiety here.

You've both been thru what seems to be a pretty traumatic time, lots of huge adjustments that represent major upheavals. Her reaction is likely based more on her own reaction to that (anxiety), rather than a clear assessment of the risk of being with Ryan is to you. Sometimes, by addressing that part of it directly you both get what you need.


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Re: I need advice! :( - September 23rd 2011, 10:15 PM

Hey Katie and Dr Bobby, thanks for your rapid replies and your great advice.

I have mentioned to mum before that I want her to meet Ryan and his family, but she says that she could be going through the same thing as her, not having a clue if their child is drinking, and she just doesn't want me drinking and i think thats the main reason why she won't let me stay. She also said she doesn't know the family and background, so i really don't know how I would prove that to her. As for the drinking in the park thing, she found that out AFTER saying the whole not knowing the family thing, and said no to me staying over the first time. So I'm still kinda stuck yano? I feel that I'm so bad at discussing things with my mum that I know i'll get a no to or a snappy reply, I'm even scared to bring this subject up and I don't know why! It's driving me insane I have been getting professional counselling at the moment, and I brought my mum into one of the sessions and explained to her how hard it is to ask her things like that, and I sort of feel like it hasn't helped at all, even though I haven't asked again if I can stay over yet. But I think I'm going to get mum to lift us from the cinema tomorrow and possibly she'll get to know them in the car just friendly car chat if you know what I mean?

Again thanks for the excellent advice and rapid replies, really does mean a lot knowing that theres people out there 24/7 waiting to give help!

Josh
   
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Re: I need advice! :( - September 23rd 2011, 10:25 PM

Happy to help out, Josh!

Good onya for being in therapy. I like the idea of having mum come in so you can talk with her there about the problems you have with her. This might take some time, you know, one or two convos might not do it, it's more complicated than that. Each time you talk with her, you should build on the last chat, give her a piece at a time, talk about you and your needs and feelings and her knowing you, and trusting you.

You and she are going thru some major changes, her emotional responses to those could be interfering with her judgment here, so give it time, and keep working on the piece that (again, hopefully!) she's reasonably confident with, that you're a trustworthy kid and she can have confidence in you. You might not be able to 'convince' her about Ryan, but you might be able to 'remind' her of who you are! After all, she takes part of the credit for that.


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Re: I need advice! :( - September 23rd 2011, 11:27 PM

Thanks again Dr Bobby

Could you explain the last part of your advice in a bit more detail? I'm not sure what you meant, but I feel it's a important part of the advice!

"You might not be able to 'convince' her about Ryan, but you might be able to 'remind' her of who you are! After all, she takes part of the credit for that."

Thanks again

Josh
   
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Re: I need advice! :( - September 24th 2011, 12:38 AM

I think he means that you might not be able to convince her that Ryan doesn't do the things that she thinks he does, but you can remind her that YOU wouldn't do those things even if he did and that she can trust you not to do things that she doesn't want you to do because she can have confidence that she raised you well. Does that help? I might've made it worse


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Re: I need advice! :( - September 24th 2011, 03:24 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kate* View Post
I think he means that you might not be able to convince her that Ryan doesn't do the things that she thinks he does, but you can remind her that YOU wouldn't do those things even if he did and that she can trust you not to do things that she doesn't want you to do because she can have confidence that she raised you well. Does that help? I might've made it worse
Bingo!

Yes, Josh, it is an important distinction, you're recognizing her anxiety and lack of trust isn't so much about Ryan (who she doesn't even know) but about all the other earth shattering events in your lives, her judgement of Ryan is affected by them. It's hard for her to feel safe and trust right now given what she's gone/going thru. So instead of confronting that head on (trying to 'convince' her he's Ok, etc.), you instead use your understanding of her state of mind to address the other, more manageable part of this, which is her understanding and trust of you. See?

You want to remind and reassure her that regardless of how she might think about Ryan or what she worries about, she can still count on you to do the right things with him. Instead of confronting or challenging her misbeliefs, you instead reassure her on things you both know and agree on (assuming that she trusts you and otherwise has a solid relationship with you). It's always easier and far preferable to join with someone you're having a disagreement with on some part of the situation that's not controversial, like her trust and confidence in you, it's like a reality check, it side steps the emotional inflammation caused by other issues and replaces it with logic.

Of course, this isn't about manipulating your mum to get what you want, it's about focusing on the issue that is most easily addressed based not so much on your mum's feelings about those other events, but rather the one thing that she feels confident in: You.

Needless to say, this isn't the time to actually get her permission to be with him and then get into trouble, that would devastate things btw'n you and she.


PM me with the link of the post you'd like me to respond to.

Last edited by Dr.Bobby; September 24th 2011 at 03:40 AM.
   
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