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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Redgrave92 Offline
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Name: Matthew(Matt)
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unresolved father issues - October 14th 2011, 07:10 AM

well even though i normally prefer not to talk about it, i might as well tackle the issue, where do i start: i really don't have a relationship with my father because he was hardly even there in my life save for half assed visits(pardon my language) or when my mom used to force me to spend time with him, during the time i was being raised by mother alone he basically moved on and had a new family a new son and daughter all that stuff, whereas i had to live with a pretty abusive step father, and for the remainder of my childhood i had a large distrust of male adults, since the only parent i had was a woman and i also have a pent up hate for my father and what ticks me off is that he doesn't even think of me as his son and also i found out that when my mom was pregnant with me he wanted her to have an abortion and that he openly showed more love to his other kids in front of me or when my family members on my moms side compared me to him ex: "oh wow youre getting tall like your dad" like how the hell was i supposed to take that as a compliment? i hardly even had any thing in common with him. and now i still suffer from that unresolved hate and im cynical of romantic relationships because of him and because i fear that i might end up like him and screw up my relationships and be a crappy father, and i haven't seen or talked to him in five years, and i really don't have any interest in talking to him since at this point what good would it do? since im all grown up it's bascally too late for him to even try to be a dad to me, i really want accept my past for what it is and to move on with my life heck im even planning on changing my last name(since i share his surname), but i hope someone has some good insight on this, it's kind of one of those things that just subconsiously bother me alot and i don't want to be a bitter guy because of this.
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Re: unresolved father issues - October 14th 2011, 04:51 PM

I can't really relate to your situation, but regarding the surname, I just wanted to say that my boyfriend made the decision to change his based on his relationship with his father. Some people may give you a hard time about it, ex. "How can you deny your family like that?" If you truly feel like you need to separate yourself from your father in that way, though, then I say go for it.

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Re: unresolved father issues - October 14th 2011, 04:58 PM

Matt, there's a lot there, and it's understandably interfering. The solution isn't as simple as changing your surname, although that might be the easiest thing to change here. Rather, as you point out, you have to make peace with it. That might require a bit of professional help.

People do the best that they can, your dad was a flawed character, your mom replaced him with someone who had their own set of emotional limitations and impairments, and sadly you paid the price. There's a justifiable rage there, the task is to address it so it doesn't consume you. You paid a high price as a child for what you were unwittingly exposed to, you shouldn't have to spend your adult life reliving the tragedy thru memory.

Call a therapist, get this sorted out. You deserve some peace.

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