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LostTeen011 Offline
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Name: Noelle
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Location: Virginia, USA

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All I Want Is To Have Had A Father - October 15th 2011, 10:34 AM

Basically this is my background story of the relationship I have with my father. By the time I was one years old my father went M.I.A for like the next 12 years (17 years to me since that's how old I was when I met him) of my life. He just left and said he was going home to take care of his mother and was gone. Never called or visited or anything. It was until I turned 13 is when I first got to speak with him over the phone. (My mother decided to file for child support and met him in court and exchanged numbers) He "apologized" for the "loss" of contact and his absence, but things still weren't right between us. All those years growing up I could just guess my father was a dead beat who didn't really care, but I got to see that first hand. After he met my mother in court he would call on special occasions (e.i. My birthday and Christmas) and just ask me what do I want. I didn't want anything from him, but I didn't know exactly how to tell him that since I'm no good talking to "strangers" and I didn't want to impose his offers, so I would say things like "Oh well, maybe a necklace or cellphone." After my birthday and Christmas pass he would make up excuses saying he couldn't find those things. He also use to say he would try to come see me, but can't find a rental car to get here even though we live about an hour away. When he did and still does call occasionally for my birthday and Christmas we never really talk on the phone, we just listen to each other breathe and it's so awkward. I was able to get in contact with my half-brother two years ago and he let me know our dad wasn't there for him either growing up. Fast foward to present day I met my Father at my graduation after my mother invited him to come. He bought me dinner, but we didn't really bond or connect. He said he would come back since he knows how to get here now, but that's very unlikely. I don't know I just can't see me having any type of relationship with him. I feel like he abandoned me for almost my whole life and I can't forgive him for not being there. Something I find really weird is the fact that I hope that I can have a male person come into my life and treat me like his child, so I can have a father figure in my life. I find that dumb because I know I have a biological father, but I just can't look at him as my father.

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Dr.Bobby Offline
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Re: All I Want Is To Have Had A Father - October 15th 2011, 04:48 PM

Hi Noelle,

Your feelings here are understandable, you miss what you didn't/don't have. And, as you realize, you probably won't get it, surely not when you needed it as a little girl, and perhaps not now, either. I'm sorry, I know how bad that must feel.

There are a couple of things here that might help. First, even though your dad is a flawed character who was unable to be there for you when you were growing up, AND his attempts now are awkward, he IS making the attempt, which for him is a big step. Try to separate your disappointment and mistrust of him from his inaction in the past from the change now. That awkwardness is perhaps due to the newness of the relationship with you. Yes, he's your father, but that's biological. The 'Dad' part takes time and history, you are at the very beginning of that story. Now, you have to decide if it is worth it to you, and if so, you and he might need to struggle with the awkwardness for a bit.

The second thing that might help is to realize that wanting a dad and missing what you don't have doesn't mean you have to (or should) look to have a relationship with a guy now as an adult yourself based on that need. One of the great things about being an adult is that you have choices, and one of those is to have a relationship with an adult man based on their ability to love you and protect you and most importantly commit to you...as an adult, not as a dependent child. It's that commitment from a guy that will feel good, not being infantilized or treated like a little girl or little princess that compensates.

Cars go in reverse, but people don't. When they make that attempt, to get now what they missed then, it usually results in heart ache. However, what is successful is to figure out the element of what you were deprived of (in your case, male commitment) and then look to get that emotional component fulfilled in an age appropriate relationship.

PM me with the link of the post you'd like me to respond to.
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