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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Lilac Offline
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Unhappy Help? - October 17th 2011, 02:12 AM

So one of my friends is dating this guy right now and the first time I saw them together as a couple and they held hands and were holding each other I just felt like I was going to cry. My boyfriend had broken up with me about a few weeks before (we were together for almost a month and things seemed to be getting serious and he even told me that he loved me and everything seemed perfect the first few weeks but then it all went downhill and I pretty much feel like he was just using me as someone to make out with) and was still kinda dwelling on it.
With past boyfriends of my friend though too I was really jealous of her and wish I had someone to call my own and everything...But it's really only been with her that I've gotten jealous about her being with someone and me not being with someone. Or usually I'm not the biggest fan of the people she dates...Could that be because I get a bad vibe from them or that I just don't approve of them? Or because I just don't know them that well yet? Or that I feel like they are not the right one for her? I view her as a sister pretty much...
Or could it be that I just don't like seeing her with other people?

For awhile after that I was doing pretty well, on a high on life, getting things done and not bothered by them at all cause I took some time for myself to figure things out and find myself again.

But now again I'm at that point when I see pictures of them and I hear about what they're doing I just get jealous and feel lonely.

I also get jealous and feel lonely sometimes cause she is always talking and skyping one of our other friends that she is close to and they always seem to have all these inside jokes and just fit better I guess together and I get jealous of all that even though my friend and I are super close friends. Sometimes I feel like she does more things with her new friends from marching band then she does with me and sometimes she doesn't talk to me a lot during the day.
Could the part in the paragraph above maybe be from the fact that I haven't really met all that many new people to actually hang out with at college? Most nights I'm just in my dorm not really doing anything and the only person I really hang out is my friend and sometimes my roommate. So I really haven't met anyone to go out and do anything with...I'm also really shy though and bad at really putting myself out there to meet new people...Which in turn just makes me feel lonely and jealous when my other friends are off doing things with other people and the new friends that they've made when I've hardly met anyone yet...And I'm bad at being alone and feeling lonely...

I just really need some help and advice about this...I'm so confused and hate myself for all this
   
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Re: Help? - October 18th 2011, 04:02 AM

Hello, Lilac! Please don't hate yourself for feeling this way. Feelings are (for the most part) beyond our control, so there's no sense in beating yourself up over that. You can, however, control how you treat yourself and others based on those feelings. =)

I think having a small social network could be having a huge affect on how you respond to this friend and her boyfriend. You aren't emotionally invested in too many people; therefore, it's easy for you to become overly invested in this one friend. It also doesn't help that you 1) feel replaceable (because she has a boyfriend and another close friend) and 2) recently ended a relationship. Emotion, emotion, and more emotion... I can see why you're feeling this way, most people would be upset as well!

It may help to limit your exposure to this friend (ex. hide her Facebook updates so you aren't constantly reminded of her relationship, only see her one-on-one vs. with other friends that you feel jealous toward) AND use this as an opportunity to meet new people. Take your mind off of everything by checking out some clubs/organizations around campus. It's hard to do at first, but unfortunately, the only way you're going to make friends is by putting yourself out there and seeing what happens.

Good luck!






   
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Re: Help? - October 21st 2011, 08:26 PM

I think having a very small group of people to talk to and hang out with could definitely be affecting how I view my friend and her boyfriend, which makes me feel dumb.

But if I limited exposure to my friend I would feel terrible and selfish about that and I feel like I would hurt her as well some how. Plus I think just the more time I spend with her and her boyfriend the more I'll get use to it and I'll get to know him more and then hopefully I won't feel that way anymore. I think right now one of the main reasons why I kinda feel this way is because I hardly know him and stuff. So it's like she's spending more time with, to me, a stranger then with me who she's known for a really really long time. Plus I hate not knowing things so there's no way I could really hide her Facebook stuff and what not.

I'm involved with Theatre on my campus and I'm slowly beginning to know more and more people through it and everyone is super friendly and always talks to me so when I go there I always feel 100x better.

I'm a really shy person so trying to get to know more people is hard for me but I think I'll get there eventually, it's just hard being in a new place and not knowing that many people and having all my friends from high school far away from me.
   
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Re: Help? - October 22nd 2011, 07:23 AM

You've answered some of your own questions already. You feel jealous and lousy your friend is happily chatting with others because you stay locked up in your dorm and meet very few people to socialize with. Perhaps if you get to know her boyfriend then you won't feel as lousy but that's only a temporary solution because the boyfriend may not want to talk to you so you'd feel even worse. Your friend may also break up with the boyfriend and unless you two like each other, he's gone, so you're back to feeling lousy. The only solution is to meet new people, become comfortable with them and socialize with them more often than with your friend. There's no reason to feel selfish for this because if you have a more positive view without feeling lonely, it's more likely to improve your friendship as opposed to restricting yourself. I doubt she'll be emotionally hurt because it's clear you're less liked than her casual boyfriends and other friends, so there wouldn't be an impact on her.

Meeting people at the theater on campus is good but you want to capture that feeling of positivity by making friends with them so you can meet outside the theater as well. For example, having lunch together brings you closer to them outside the theater and the more often you socialize like this, the more likely they'll be friends. You can ask for their name, phone number, e-mail, facebook address, skype username, etc..., so you can chat with them remotely.


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Re: Help? - October 24th 2011, 05:05 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by The Man And XX Master View Post
I doubt she'll be emotionally hurt because it's clear you're less liked than her casual boyfriends and other friends, so there wouldn't be an impact on her.
Uhmm...Excuse me but what do you mean by this? Are you saying that I'm less liked by her/less liked in general?

And also if her boyfriend didn't want to talk to me at all there would be a serious situation/problem. I would not be ok with that and neither would she.

Yes you came up with some valid points in your post but most of it is just much too blunt and some parts are very hurtful. This really didn't help me at all.
   
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Re: Help? - October 25th 2011, 04:26 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lilac View Post
Uhmm...Excuse me but what do you mean by this? Are you saying that I'm less liked by her/less liked in general?

And also if her boyfriend didn't want to talk to me at all there would be a serious situation/problem. I would not be ok with that and neither would she.

Yes you came up with some valid points in your post but most of it is just much too blunt and some parts are very hurtful. This really didn't help me at all.
I think the main point he was trying to convey is that your friend won't be offended if you spend less time with her and put more effort into meeting new people. It's not selfish on your part, and as your friend, she should understand that you need a large network of friends, not just a few close ones that could be occupied by new relationships, new friendships, schoolwork/careers, extracurricular activities, etc. Ultimately, you will be strengthening your friendship by reaching out to others - if you're happier, then that's going to affect the quality of your relationship with her, which in turn will affect the way you feel around her when she's with her boyfriend and other friends. Happier you = happier friendship = happier her. How can she complain about that and think you're being selfish for wanting to improve the overall quality of your life? =)






   
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Re: Help? - October 25th 2011, 06:17 AM

Those are all really really good points and make a lot of sense.
I really like the way you put it all

Thank you very much for your advice and help I really appreciate it
   
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Re: Help? - October 26th 2011, 03:23 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lilac View Post
Uhmm...Excuse me but what do you mean by this? Are you saying that I'm less liked by her/less liked in general?
That is what your initial post suggested.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lilac View Post
And also if her boyfriend didn't want to talk to me at all there would be a serious situation/problem. I would not be ok with that and neither would she.
Since you're not his girlfriend and she's not sharing him with you, why does it matter if he doesn't want to talk to you?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lilac View Post
Yes you came up with some valid points in your post but most of it is just much too blunt and some parts are very hurtful. This really didn't help me at all.
I'd rather give sound honest advice than butter it up using particular words so it makes you feel good.


I can rip you off, and steal all your cash, suckerpunch you in the face, stand back and laugh. Leave you stranded as fast as a heart-attack.
- Danko Jones (I Think Bad Thoughts)
   
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