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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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bunnyrice Offline
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Question How do I get rid of this one girl...? - October 26th 2011, 09:29 PM

So, me and my dear friends met last year (actually one of them I've known since much before), and since then we've been through all kind of stuff together, sad or fun. We share interests in common. It's fun to be with each other.

The problem is, a girl entered our school this year, and, since the popular folks didn't want her, and neither did anyone, she began following us wherever we'd go. None of us ever treated her the same way we treat each other, even because she has nothing to talk about, but then she got a boyfriend (who's a jerk by the way), but he broke up with her so two of my friends had pity of her and started treating her much better. Me, too, tried to be kind, thinking "maybe I don't have many friends because I'm cold with people? I'll try being nice to her"

The problem is, she started imitating all of our good points. She dyed her hair the same as one of us, started writing suckish poems ("I like coffee, I like tea, I like you, do you like me?") to imitate my friend who has a lot of talent, said she's going to work with fashion when she knows nothing about it (she even told my fashion-loving friend that fashion is superfluous!), and started drawing to imitate me - the difference is, I do it because I love it, she does it because she doesn't want to pay attention to class. After me and one of us noticed who she really is, she started putting all her effort into destroying our relationship with the other two, and she's actually managing to! Also, thanks to my cousin I know she's done something really stinky to her friend in her previous school. I started acting more distant towards my friends, not because I wanted, but because I didn't know how to express it otherwise. Thanks to that girl's influence on their heads, we had a fight, and my always gentle friend went shouting about how immature I am - hey, I'm two years younger than her, shouldn't that be normal? - only to come back and apologize after that, which I half-heartily accepted. Sorry won't do; she must stop hearing what that girl says!

One of those two is already beyond salvation, but the other one (the gentle one) only has pity of her - pity because she sees no evil in anyone, and has suffered a lot because of it before. Me and my other friend have talked to her about this, but, even though she knows we're actual close friends unlike that b****, she won't stop hanging around with the other girl! I'm even getting to the point of no longer talking to my friend because I can't stand that girl anymore. What should I do?

Last edited by bunnyrice; October 26th 2011 at 09:48 PM.
   
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Re: How do I get rid of this one girl...? - October 28th 2011, 10:30 PM

I know this is really, REALLY hard to do - but sometimes, you need to view your friendship as something that is separate from everything else. You can't let your disgust toward other people affect what you have with this friend. You can't let yourself become so focused on your friend's friends that you fail to salvage your own friendship! Now, there's something to be said for the phrase, "Our friends are a reflection of who we are," but honestly, what difference does it make to you if your friend chooses to associate herself with someone you don't like? If that person begins to turn your friend against you (to the point where your friend is saying obvious things like, "So-and-So says you suck, so I think you suck, too!"), then you have every right to be upset. If your friend is behaving normally toward you when that other person isn't around, though, why fuss about what your friend is doing when you're not around?

Why not spend some one-on-one time with your friend from now on? Don't complain when you're all hanging out as a group - that's not going to win any brownie points for you. You don't HAVE to resign yourself to group outings every single time, though. You can choose to be civil when the other person can't be avoided, and focus your efforts on setting up one-on-one outings with the people you care about. When you're alone with your friends, don't fuss about how lame the other person is - again, that's not going to win any brownie points for you, and the whole point I'm trying to make is that your friendship is separate from everyone else's friendships. If your friend wants to be friends with lame people, LET HER. As long as it doesn't directly affect your friendship, it's no skin off your nose. Everyone is free to make their own choices, including yourself. You can choose to rise above all of this drama.






   
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Re: How do I get rid of this one girl...? - October 31st 2011, 09:42 PM

Thank you very much, I'm trying to calm down a bit, even though I can't help putting that girl on her place when she becomes too full of herself. Luckily, summer vacations are coming soon, and, while that girl will have summer lessons, my other friend and I are free to spend time together.
   
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Re: How do I get rid of this one girl...? - October 31st 2011, 11:00 PM

I'm going to be honest... you keep saying that this other girl is such an awful person, but it doesn't sound like you were ever particularly nice to her. And I have to wonder if she is actually the cause of all your fighting etc. or if she is just a convenient person to blame? However, I could just be reading everything wrong, so I'm going to say what the situation sounds like to me and then you can correct anything that I've got wrong:

It sounds like this girl had to change schools to somewhere where she didn't know anyone. For whatever reason, no one wanted to talk to her or be friends with her. So she tried to join your group because she desperately wanted some friends.

Then she liked you guys so much that she wanted to be like you. She started "copying" the things that you guys did and the things that you liked. It sounds a lot like she was trying to fit in. And I understand that that was probably annoying for you, but it doesn't make her a terrible person. Did you ever try to talk to her (politely) about what she was doing? Did you ever try to make her feel like she was awesome as she was and she didn't need to copy everyone else?

From what you've said, it sounds like you started to reject her before she "tried to destroy your relationships". But even if you didn't, can you explain exactly how she was destroying your friendships? If your relationships with your friends are as strong as you say they were, I just have a hard time believing that someone would be able to break that up by themselves. You admit that you started acting distant towards your friends and that that resulted in a fight. This girl did not make you act that way; that was your choice. So how is she to blame for that?

And now you are saying that you didn't want to accept your friend's genuine apology, just because she is friends with someone who you find annoying? That doesn't sound like something that a friend would do. You also refer to your other friend as "beyond salvation". Are you really not going to be friends with someone who you claimed to care about so much just because they are friends with this other girl?


I'm not trying to say that this is all your fault. I'm sure that the other girl is to blame for a lot of this too. But it doesn't sound like you are completely in the right here. It sounds like you did/said some not very nice things to both your friends and this other girl. And by refusing to admit that or take responsibility and apologise for your actions, it sounds like you are going to lose two friends.

If it was me, I would try and talk to that other girl about how her actions made me feel. I would offer up a truce, so that everyone would be happy rather than continuing to fight a battle which I am clearly losing. It doesn't sound like you can "beat" this girl, so why not try compromising instead?



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