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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Angry My mother tells everyone everything. - October 28th 2011, 12:19 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of self harm, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I'm not sure if this will be triggering or not, so I put the prefix just in case. And sorry if it's not in the right category, it relates to both my mom and SH.

My mom tells everybody everything, whether it is good or bad. She says she doesn't do that, but she really does. I'll give you some examples:

I had awesome news today about class. I told my dad as soon as he got home so my mom wouldn't ruin it, but she told my grandmother and cousin before I could. She does that with every news about me, whether it is my report card or something bigger. I mean, it's not bad that she wants to tell my family GOOD things, but she tells about the bad things too.

For example, I admitted that I SH. Not only has she not gotten me help yet, but she's told at least three of my family members, plus my sister and brother in law (telling those two isn't bad because I see them daily so they'd find out anyway), and it's really embarrassing. I told to ask for help, but it's made it worse. Today she was on the phone when I went downstairs. I heard her say "it started with her math teacher -her name here-..." so I walked into the living room, actually to just complain about the heat, and she pretty much told me to get out and don't listen in to the conversation, it doesn't concern me. So I walked in the direction of the bathroom and stopped before I got there (admittedly, I was going to eavesdrop) and my mother followed me there so I just continued walking to the bathroom. I have a right to be there if she's talking ABOUT me to FAMILY, don't I?? I have a right to know what they know about, right? I'm only 15 but I should know what's being said about me. Don't say it behind my back. =/

And like I said, my school psychologist is gonna send home a letter suggesting therapy. I just wanna cut so bad, I don't even know why I feel so bad but I do. From hearing all of this, I feel like I'm never going to live down my self harm, and my parents are never going to take it seriously. I'm regretting telling, it made it worse. If I cut, she's going to punish me. I'm scared that when my mom reads the letter she's going to scream not only at the school psychologist but at me, and then we'll be screaming at each other and I'll be crying. Any tips on how to deal with it when that happens?


   
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Re: My mother tells everyone everything. - October 28th 2011, 02:11 AM

Poor dezy.
I think you shoud try taking to her in a quite normal way. Say, mom, can I tak to you for a minute. Tell her that you don't ike it that she is telling your famiy everything bad about you. You don't mind good things but the bad shoud stay with the peope that I've IN the house. Te her how you fee and how its making you have sef harm thoughts again.


IN MY FIELD OF PAPER FLOWERS AND CANDY CLOUDS OF LULLIBIES, I LIE INSIDE MY SELF FOR HOURS, AND WATCH MY PURPLE SKY FLY OVER ME - IMAGINARY BY EVANESCENCE

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Re: My mother tells everyone everything. - October 28th 2011, 10:52 PM

Talking about your self-harm with other family members may seem like a bad thing initially; however, one of the best predictors of recovery from self-harm is whether or not a person has a good network of social support. If your other family members know about your self-harm, they can support you by offering words of encouragement, listening to you over the phone when you're struggling with the urge to self-harm, etc.

I would talk to your mom - but don't focus on all the things she's doing wrong. Instead, focus on how she can channel her actions in a way that will be more beneficial for you and for her. For example, you could say, "I overheard you talking to (family member) about my self-harm. I was hoping we could get him/her involved in my recovery once you start taking me to therapy. I think it would be great if you could give him/her updates on my progress." See how you can turn a potentially negative event (your mom gossiping about your self-harm) into something more positive (your mom taking on the responsibility of helping you and keeping other members of your social support group in the loop)?






   
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Re: My mother tells everyone everything. - October 28th 2011, 11:06 PM

I think I'd be okay with it if I knew that my family members wouldn't just tell my mother. We're tight-knit so we don't usually like to see each other with problems. And it probably would have been better if my mom was like "Oh, I'm talking to so and so about this," or even let me stay in the room so I could hear what she was saying. I'm positive that she didn't tell my side of it.

This is, I don't have any proof that that's what she's talking about, I'm just going to assume because I don't do anything bad, really, and if she was talking good she wouldn't have started talking about my former math teacher and kicked me out of the room. I always sit in the room when she's talking to someone, but not this time. And my mother's negative about my SH, thinking I'm doing it for attention, so she probably was telling my cousin all about that.


   
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Re: My mother tells everyone everything. - October 29th 2011, 02:28 AM

Dez, there's a lot there with your mom, about boundaries and lsitening and being responsive and trust and all, but the thing right now to focus on is your self harm and getting to a doc.

If your mom knows, and the family knows, and the school psych knows, the task now is to use all those resources to get you to a doc. Once there, you can address all those other mom issues, but Job One is getting there.

To accomplish that, you might talk with mom and all those family members about your real need to get to a therapist, every opportunity, you should be talking about that in a very direct way. Not the other things, but that, just that. "I need to see a therapist, please, please help me!".

Parents have their own issues and egos, you know, and they sometimes get int heir way. You can help by making the message short and concise and frequent. Even the most resistant parent will eventually relent in the face of gentle, steady pressure (esp. if it's coming from multiple sources) for something that's clearly needed.


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