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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Question 2 dads whos permission does my bf need? +Transferring, Engaged, Moving out? - October 30th 2011, 06:50 PM

1. My boyfriend, who i have been with off and on since age 12, told me that he wants to ask me to marry him, but he wont without my dads permission.

I have 2 dads.

My biological dad lives in California, I've seen him 3 times since I was 3 but we chat on facebook

My adoptive dad is who I live with and he has acted as my father figure for most of my life.

The issue is, my biological dad doesnt know my boyfriend, and my adoptive dad HATES him because well basically, small town, my adoptive dad was friends with my boyfriends dad in high school, something happened, bad blood.

So does he need to ask both dads? or just one?
And what happens if my dad(s) says no?

2. I'm transferring schools, not because I want to be closer to my boyfriend (though it is a nice perk) but because the departments that I need to be taking classes in only offer a few classes, all at the same time, so i cant take classes for my major and I found out most criminal justice majors are here for 5 or 6 years. There is a school close to me with wonderful programs in Sociology Psychology and Criminal Justice and it is less then a quarter of the cost of the school I am currently in. My dad doesnt want me to transfer because he doesnt want my boyfriend or friends ruining my chance at an education.

I love my boyfriend, I want to marry him, the second he mentioned that he wanted to ask me it has felt like I've been walking on clouds, we agreed we wont get married til after we finish school but I'm still excited to be engaged. but he wont ask me until he gets my dads permission, which is a practice I dont like but whatever.

My boyfriend goes to a college 10 minutes from the one I am transferring to, his new job is also 15 minutes from his school, he found an apartment almost half way between our schools (closer to mine) that is affordable and safe and he is about to be kicked out of his house by his grandparents, he asked me (after we get engaged and I am back in the state aka this may) if I would move in with him, I said yes, but only after we had a conversation about finances. school is first for me and i am skeptical about moving out because i dont want to screw up my gpa or have to drop out because i cant handle working enough to pay my portion of the rent and going to school. He said that with his new job he is making way more money then he is at his other 2 and they guarenteed him 40 hours a week so even with him quitting his other 2 jobs he said he can pay for rent, electric, internet, and all his stuff and I would only have to pay for my phone, gas and car insurance, and half the food. which I can easily do, I have a job in my home town and theres a mall right by where the apartment is so i should be able to find a new job relatively quickly.

I just dont know how to tell all of this to my adoptive dad. i told my mom and she said if i tell him all this i will kill him, like give him a heart attack and die, and he has been in and out of the hospital for the last 4 years so I dont know how far from the truth that is, so how do i tell him?
   
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Re: 2 dads whos permission does my bf need? +Transferring, Engaged, Moving out? - October 30th 2011, 07:19 PM

Since your adoptive father has basically been your father, I'd assume your boyfriend would need to ask him, vs. your biological father. What I want to know, though, is why your boyfriend is so intent on getting your adoptive father's permission, when he knows how your adoptive father feels about the relationship. Or have you never conveyed your concerns to your boyfriend? If that's the case - tell him! If you two are going to get married, he deserves to know what he's up against as far as future in-laws are concerned.

I also think you, your boyfriend, and your parents need to sit down together and discuss every possible concern: the "bad blood" between your two fathers, the potential to let your grades slide upon moving in with your boyfriend, and whatever else is hovering over your head and your parents' heads.

If your adoptive father still says, "no," after all concerns have been thoroughly discussed, then you have two options. You can either get married regardless of what your adoptive father says, or you can take some time to reassess the idea of getting married. Could your adoptive father's concerns be valid? Are there things you could work on prior to getting married?

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Originally Posted by PointeStarr
I just dont know how to tell all of this to my adoptive dad. i told my mom and she said if i tell him all this i will kill him, like give him a heart attack and die
I'm sure your mother didn't mean to guilt-trip you... but re-read that statement. Not only is it ridiculous to believe something like that could push your adoptive father over the edge (stress is a normal part of life, and I'm sure your adoptive father has dealt with FAR more stressful things than the prospect of his adoptive daughter getting married), but it's almost like your mother is saying, "Put your own dreams/desires on hold, until you know with absolute certainty that it won't affect anyone else." You will NEVER fully meet your parents' expectations. Asking for their permission is great and all, but you have to decide how important that really is to you. What lengths are you willing to go to in order to ensure THEIR happiness vs. your own?






   
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Re: 2 dads whos permission does my bf need? +Transferring, Engaged, Moving out? - October 30th 2011, 07:42 PM

He knows how my dad feels about him, he isnt allowed at my house and most of the time one of his friends has to pick me up from my house in order for me to see him.
he wants his permission because apparently its the "right way to do things"
I dont understand why my dad is so intent on hating him, his entire family loves me, theyve been asking when the wedding was since i was 14.

I have alot to talk to them about, but my mom wants me to break it to my dad gently. like tell him everything in pieces each time i come home for breaks (thanksgiving: transferring, christmas: engaged, spring: moving out) but idk if thats fair to him. since i know what all is happening and if my boyfriend moves into our apartment before summer then I am gonna probably move some stuff in over spring break. or start packing over spring break so I can move as soon as I get home from college.
   
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Re: 2 dads whos permission does my bf need? +Transferring, Engaged, Moving out? - November 4th 2011, 05:34 AM

New question to add to this,

I'm OFFICIALLY engaged (he asked my mom)
How do I tell my biological dad?
Like his new wife trolls my facebook and I talk to my little brother online
but I dont talk to him often, but part of me thinks I should tell him myself not let him find out on facebook
so I havent changed my relationship status yet.
Is this something I can just call or write a letter about?
or should I tell my grandma (his mom) and let her tell him?
Or should I find a way to go visit him and tell him?
Or should I just change my status on facebook?

And what do I do if he starts thinking he is entitled to walk me down the aisle, that wierd father daughter dance and all that other nonsense?
   
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Re: 2 dads whos permission does my bf need? +Transferring, Engaged, Moving out? - November 6th 2011, 08:57 PM

Congratulations on your engagement! =)

Tell your biological father in whatever manner you'd like. I don't think you have to see him in person - you're not that close, so treat him like you would treat an extended family member you don't see very often. I'm sure a phone call would be fine. It'd be quick and uncomplicated, too (in comparison to asking another family member to tell him, or writing a letter and waiting 2-3 days for him to receive it). You can call him today, and immediately change your Facebook status/tell everyone else. Simple as that.

As for his walking you down the aisle - if he asks, be blunt. Explain that you want the man who raised you, who acted as a "father figure", to do the honors. That would be your adoptive father, not your biological father.






   
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