Feeling Rejected

[BlueWolf]

This has started to bother me more and more and I try to tell myself it is just me, but that's easier said than done. I'm kinda hoping I can find someone that understands. Sorry if this is long, but I really need to vent too.

I feel like I am being shunned from the entire world. For several weeks, probably the past two months, I have only left my room to go to work and that's literally it. And in my room, I simply just sit on my bed on my laptop or sleep all day. What else is there to do? It's not like anyone wants to see me. I feel like such a baby and it probably is making this worse. I've been trying to just think of school instead and all the new people I will meet seeing how my friends all tell me to grow up and move on. That I can't hang on to them forever. Okay, I get it. I'll go find someone who will be more willing to be my friend. I am so excited for school to start, but that doesn't help when it comes to my family.

I was planning on visiting my dad for Christmas, but he always seems to have a problem with me and loves to say nasty things about me. But hey, he's still my dad. Yet when I told him, he never said anything. In fact, I have not heard from him since. This could be like last Thanksgiving when he said he was going on vacation so I couldn't come see him, when really he was at home with his girlfriend and even had dinner with my grandparents. He's been mad at me for years for "not letting him in my life" when I have been making every effort to! He also gets mad at me when I don't come to him for help. I usually go to my grandparents, but this time I went to him. He is paying my medical insurance so I sent him COPIES of the bills so he could call the insurance company to see why they are not covering it. That's what I said and next thing I knew he started yelling at me thinking I was asking him to pay them and I was like... I NEVER SAID THAT!!! STOP ACCUSING ME OF SHIT I DID NOT DO OR SAY!!! Yes, I have tried talking to him about it multiple times, but it only results in him yelling at me more and denying absolutely everything and I get called stupid a couple of times.

So who can I rely on? I started to crumble and I started talking about things more with my mom. However, my mom has been absolutely cruel to me in the past as in literally locking me in my room, going through my things and destroying them, and getting violent. My mom is selfish and has even told me to my face she won't do anything for me at her own expense. She looks out for herself, and for me when it doesn't cost her money (she pays for NONE of my expenses) or even her time! Still, I had to live with her and she was the only person around. So when I start letting it all out around her she just says to take it somewhere else because I am making her sick. So, your daughter is in extreame emotional pain, sitting there with a knife and crying and you tell her to go away because she makes you sick. Lovely huh? Just recently when I asked her about how the payment plans work and how I could pay off the bills myself she starts yelling saying I am acting like I wanted the money from her when I just wanted financial advice (my mom has a major in finance). Geez.

Everyone assumes I keep asking for things that I never do. I've never been the type to ask for ANYTHING and it makes me very comfortable to do so. Even my parents will say it is unlike me to do so, yet they are so defensive about it. Ugh, it's not like I'm not trying to get a job. I have been filling out so many applications and I am doing the best I can to support myself with this job.

I live with my aunt for a reason and my two cousins. They are close to my job, away from my mom who doesn't want me around right now, and they invited me. This was so nice of them, but I just wish they didn't treat me like a stranger. I am mostly ignored here when I try to talk to anyone. I am shoved aside with any family stuff. I am not considered family, I am just a renter living in their house to them which really stings. For so many people to just push me aside like this, I must of done something wrong, but I have no idea what it is.

[Thirteen]

Well Jessica, as you know, I completely understand what it's like to have a family who doesn't really care. I mean, I think I've told you before about my selfish family members, so no need to repeat myself.

Anyways, it's great that your aunt is so nice about you living in her house, but perhaps you'd have an easier time opening up and feeling like part of the family if, for example, you all watch the same TV show together, or like some similar music, or something else. Maybe find some common ground with them, to try and feel a bit part of something, at least.

Other than that, not much else I can think of, but I hope it all works out in the best.

[BlueWolf]

I have already tried that, but I am treated as if I am not even there.

And now that the one person I thought was always there for me, wasn't.... well... I was starting to forget how good cutting feels. My room is trashed now, my cell is in a million pieces... I am so screwed now.