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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
justmeg Offline
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roommate trouble? - December 4th 2011, 11:29 PM

so this semester, my roommate is one of my few close friends in college. i love her to death and would do just about anything for her. but she's been spending more and more time with her boyfriend. it's gotten to the point where she's basically been living in his dorm room for the past two months. i only see her once or twice a day when she comes by the room to get stuff to take back with her.

i really don't mind having the room to myself most of the time, i get a lot of work done and whatnot, but it gets kind of lonely, and it's somewhat rare that anyone stops by to say hi or just chill for a bit. my roomie and i used to have roomie-time together. we'd watch tosh.0 on tuesdays, and have music days fridays after class, and go to lunch on tuesdays and thursdays. but she's been blowing me off to spend that time with her boyfriend. again, i really don't mind that she spends time with him, but it just seems like it's ALL THE TIME.

maybe it's just me, but i don't think it's healthy to spend so much time with one person. like, yea, i get that they're in love or whatever, but you should still balance your time, right? i admit i wasn't the best when i was in a relationship, but i still made time for other people and tried my best to not blow people off if i had plans with them.

the other day she said something, it's really an inconsequential statement that shouldn't have meant anything, but it just rubbed me the wrong way the way she said it. she said she'd be "re-moving back in" to our room by the end of the week. i have no idea why, but it really bothered me. i kinda wanted to explode, but i didn't want to start shit. i don't know if i should say something or how to say what i've been thinking without being a total bitch.

she kind of lost friends last year over this guy, and this semester she's been struggling with a little bit of social anxiety and depression and stress of trying to graduate early. i feel like she just has so much on her plate already and maybe she should focus a little more on her work and getting shit done than whether or not her boyfriend gets up on time for class or whatever (that's why she started staying at his place...to make sure he got up on time...um, it's called an alarm clock?). it's not my place to say shit like that, but it just bothers me when people put boyfriends/girlfriends above all else...

am i wrong in feeling/saying this? i'm not jealous, even though it might seem like it. i'm just annoyed. again, i don't know why :/
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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Chris Offline
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Re: roommate trouble? - December 4th 2011, 11:49 PM

Yeah, Ill be honest it sure does sound like you are jealous, and I'm sure I'm not the only who is thinking that. Unfortunately we lost hundreds of friends throughout our lives, especially during the Highschool and College years. Now, I wouldn't say that you have 'lost her' But I would say that she has moved on to someone she loves, and to someone that seems to love her. If she is happy, then you shouldn't be too upset by not being around her to much - instead you should be happy that she found someone she 'loves' and that loves her back. Now, it is 100% natural for you to feel upset about it, but in the long run, you having the built up anger and being upset will only explode and destroy the friendship. So I would personally work on trying to forgive her, and trying to support her with what she is doing (having a relationship, and trying to graduate early). I'm sure you guys will remain friends, but if you store up that anger, and disappointment, or whatever emotion you want to call it, then chances are, your friendship wont last very long.

Best wishes,
Chris


Chris
I hope you know that you deserve it all. The best, the most honest, the most beautiful purest love in the world. Not only to be loved by others, but to be loved by yourself. To look in the mirror and think "Yes, I'm exactly who I want to be". To speak up and be proud of yourself. To be brave and open. You deserve the nicest and most caring people to walk into your life. You deserve it all, you know. The whole world...
   
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Re: roommate trouble? - December 5th 2011, 01:29 AM

I agree with you, about them spending too much time together. My personal belief is if you are going to spend every moment of everyday and live with them, you might as well get married.

You're right, it's called an alarm clock. It's rediculious he needs his girlfriend to wake him up every morning. She's not his mother and that's basically the role she's playing.

However, it's her life and you need to just accept this is how she chooses to live it. Being angry about it won't help your relationship one bit.

Don't be so upset about being "lonely." If you start to feel lonely go down to the commons area and hang out with other people. Join a club or something. My brother has the problem where his roommate is there too much and is annoying, rude, inconsiderate, etc. Be grateful you have one that isn't in your hair 24/7.


We were made to be courageous.

Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes and make a new beginning
Anyone can feel the ache
You think itís more than you can take
But you're stronger, stronger than you know
Donít you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining

   
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Re: roommate trouble? - December 5th 2011, 09:47 AM

I suggest talking to her about how you feel. This may offend her but you just need to word it right, be calm and don't get angry.
Try and find a solution.
But, if she seems happy the way she is let her be.
   
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Re: roommate trouble? - December 5th 2011, 06:05 PM

Although it sucks to lose friends in that way you have to remember that you haven't completely lost her and this boy makes her happy. She may be spending a lot of time with her boyfriend right now but she is still your friend. Try explaining to her that you miss having her around and schedule a movie night every once and a while to hangout. (Even if she drags her boyfriend along it will give you guys a chance to hangout again) I know when my friends started getting boyfriends and such it totally sucked and I felt like I was losing them sometimes but they always come back. although you probably don't want to hangout with her and her boyfriend all the time it might mean you'll get to see your friend more and she will get to spend time with both of you. Talk to your friend about spending more time with her and if you agree to hangout with her and her boyfriend sometimes then your friend won't feel like she has to choose between you and her boyfriend. (I guarantee you wouldn't want her to choose between you two).

You may not agree with her decisions and you are definitely entitled to your own opinions about her choices but youre right when you say it's not your place to tell her so. There is nothing wrong with the way you are feeling about it and in fact I'd say it's a pretty common way to feel. Don't let your emotions get in the way of a great friendship, talk things out. Explain to her that you miss hanging out with her and want to spend more time with her. Keep the nasty comments to yourself and try to keep your opinions about how much time she spends with her boyfriend to a minimum. Its not always easy to make new friends and i'd be a hypocrite to say it is but you can always join a club or something or just simply spend more time outside of your room when it gets too quiet and lonely. If all else fails I find it helps to have some sort of background noise to kill the silence.
   
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Re: roommate trouble? - December 5th 2011, 08:01 PM

thanks, becca. i actually went to dinner with the both of them the other night, and i do try to make an effort to hang out with them when they invite me along. i enjoy spending time with them, they're both really cool people, but i feel like a third wheel a lot of the time, which i'm sure anyone can attest to as being awkward (esp when they like, hold hands and whatnot. i'm not a huge fan of PDA, but that's just me.)

it's getting toward the end of the semester now and we're both busy with final projects and studying, so i think i'll definitely talk to her about maybe getting back to our tv/movie dates once things settle down after the stress of finals. i appreciate all the advice, guys.

any tips on maybe how to bring it up or how to put it? i don't want to sound overpowering/clingy/bitchy....
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Re: roommate trouble? - December 5th 2011, 08:19 PM

I can relate to this
I wasn't in a dorm, it was in my place.
A friend of mine needed a place to stay and I needed a ride to work. So she moved in rent free and all she did was make sure I had a ride to and from work. I payed gas and all that. She didn't have a job or anything.
With her came her little dog that I didn't have a problem with as long as she kept him clean and fed him and took care of him. I told her I would walk him but i was not responsible for anything else.
Next thing I know I am the only one feeding him and walking him.
He always used the bathroom on the floor which is a huge NONO. And I told her that so he had a cage.
Well every time I would walk him because she wasn't there. He would do his business and I would let him back in He would then turn around and poop on the floor so she brought over a cage for him to stay in when we were gone.
Well since she was never there and not giving me a ride to work anymore my boyfriend did. And when we would get home he would have pooped in his cage because she was never there to take care of him. If I were to have left for a week he would have died because she didn't take care of him.
She wanted a kitten so I found two baby kittens. Which I ended up having to take care pf both even though only one was mine.
Keep in mind I have a cat of my own who was very disgruntled by all the new guests in his house.
Then she started college and had softball which was her scholarship. And with that she started staying with some girls off the softball team.
I came home one night and the dog had pooped in his cage and i had had enough. I was not going to clean up after her dog. It made my entire house smell like shit.
So I moved him outside under the car port with food and water. The next morning i opened up the crate so he could run around (The few times she walked hi mshe would open up the door and let him go out by his self which he NEVER used the bathroom like that. You have to actually go out with him)
I told her what I did and she replies with" You let him out by his self?!!" I was like really?
She never took her kitten. A neighbor lady ended up picking up the dog and I told her about it and apprently it was all my fault. You know, because he was MY responsibility.
I finally got rid of the kittens because I could not afford to take care of three cats by myself.

To this day she still has my flip flops and two pairs of my really nice pants and the key to my front door. Here shortly (since she never has time to get the rest of her stuff and bring me my stuff with the keys) the lock is going to be changed. I will come home to food missing and stuff like that. Plus, now my boyfriend lives with me and God only knows what she might walk into. lol


I got to the point where i was fed up. she lived in a world where if you leave something out overnight, the magical fairies came and put it up. i do not clean up after other people especially if you are living with me rent free. One time she ate shrimp scampy and set it in the microwave. Where it sat. and sat. and sat. I found it because next thing I knew there were al these tiny flies flying all over th kitshcne. So I opened up the microwave and found the remains of the shrimp scampy. GROSS!!!! Flies had eggs layed all over the place. And my microwave was ruined whih I get to replace at my expense..o.o

My advice: DON"T LET IT GET THAT BAD!!! You will go insane.

But just try sitting down and talking with your roommate and telling her how you feel.
   
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