In-Between

[Brillyx]

So I am really having trouble trying to figure out where I stand with my personality. The big problem I have is that I see my good friend everyday at school being socially incredible. Everyone loves talking to him, everyone starts conversations with HIM, not the other way around, and he is friends with tons of upperclassmen.

Now I have my own reputation (good not bad) but I feel like I want to be at the top like my friend. I have been starting to mimic his personality, but I have also recently started reading 'How to Talk to Anyone: 92 Little Tricks for big success in relationships" and while the book seems promising, I am wondering who I really am inside.

Everyone in my family always tells me that I was always a queit mouse, rarely offering my two-cents in the conversation. But I've come a long way from there since I started highschool last year. Now I want to take it even farther and be a social bug like my friend.

But is it possible for me to really inherit the status that he has without completely changing my personality? As much as I want to be as popular as he is, I know that if I copy him it won't do me any good.

I am sort of stuck between being myself and getting into habits of doing what he does... I just feel so awkward socially. I am sure the book is going to help me after I finish reading it, but I seriously have no idea what to say sometimes when I really wish I could say something witty and agreeable like my friend does.

[_sunsets64.]

i know exactly what you mean! i feel like everyone is so witty and funny and i just sit there half-smiling, not really knowing how to respond. what i do is i make a joke out of how clueless i am, and people seem to find that funny too.
but don't change your personality please, i'm sure it's wonderful it takes all different types of people to make the world go round. life wouldn't be entertaining if we were all the same. plus, i'm sure you're a much better listener and you seem to be extremely observant. i know these may not seem so great now, but trust me, this is your personality for a reason--these traits will help you to succeed in whatever career you want to pursue. for example, as a slightly quieter, more observant person, you would be incredible as a writer, a detective, a scientist, a doctor even--anything where the power of observation means more than sociality.
i'm just afraid if you start trying to change too much, you'll become insecure or desperate and you'll turn into someone you really don't like instead.
but, if you want to try to be more confident and comfortable socially, just be more you--you don't have to be funny, you don't have to be clever, you just have to have confidence in yourself and be comfortable with who you are. trust me, when it comes down to it, those are the types of people we all want to be around anyway. and, with confidence, you might find yourself naturally being more witty than you originally thought you could be

[Chris.]

I think you need to be yourself no matter what - don't change yourself to be more popular.

If being yourself means that you aren't going to be in the top, then so be it. Because in alot of cases personality is something that isn't easily changeable. and If you were to mimic him and others, once you got to the top the other people would most likely realize you act the same as him or others.

Be yourself - If you want to be more socially active then great! But don't try mimic him and try to be like him. We are all ourselves, and all have different looks, shapes, personality, and character - develop your own.

Best wishes,
Chris

[Brillyx]

Thanks for the feedback. And I understand what both of you are saying. It is not worth it to try and be someone I am not, because in all honesty I feel weird when I do, and then it just comes out as being awkward. I think if I be myself while becoming more social, it will work out better than trying to imitate my friend's actions and trying to act the way he does.

Like Kurt Cobain said: "I'd rather be hated for who I am rather than be liked for someone I'm not"

[_sunsets64.]

exactly, that's a really good quote

[Brillyx]

Well I have another question- Sometimes I am very nervous or afraid when I'm around my one friend who often likes to make fun of other people. And it's just who he is, his personality. He doesn't realise he may or may not be hurting others when he does it, he just does. So anyways all my friends that are friends with him know he is just joking around but how do you think I could get around my minor fear of him?

[_sunsets64.]

what exactly are you afraid? that he will make fun of you and you won't know how to react or that he will accidentally hurt someone? or both or something else entirely?

[Brillyx]

That he will make fun of me in front of others, and I wont know how to react.

Just some background here: I was never good at not taking things personally. If someone would make a joke about me, I would take it to heart, and eventually flip out on the other person. I've gotten better at it over the years, but I still struggle with it from time to time.

[_sunsets64.]

i know exactly how that feels, there was a kid in my class who used to always make fun of everyone, as a joke, but i was always terrified that he would make fun of me, so i was always on edge in that class. and then once he did make fun of me and i had no idea how to respond and i just sat there embarrassed, half-laughing, just wanting to hide. it was so embarrassing.
but i've gotten past that, thankfully, and even though i'm still not witty, i can make light of the situation. like, when i walk into one class, this kid and i go back and forth pretending like we don't like each other even though we actually get along really well, and so he'll say something like, "ew. what are you doing here? just leave" and i'll say something like, "oh, wrong class i guess" or "ok, i'll just leave now," and turn around and walk away a step, going along with it. and then other days i'll make fun of him, saying, "what are you doing? just no." and we'll just start laughing because it's really funny.
(i'm sorry, this is a terrible explanation, but basically, if you go along with the joke, it works just as well as being witty, and everyone will laugh, and you won't take the joke so personally anymore because you'll laugh too and feel that it's just a joke. it'll take multiple encounters like this to really get over the fear and uncomfortableness of jokes like that, but after a while, they won't even faze you anymore and you'll be more comfortable and confident around people, which will help with you becoming more social too i hope this helps, i'm sorry i'm so bad at explaining myself!

[Iris. ♥]

It's important to be yourself, no matter what. Changing yourself to be popular isn't worth it. The truth of the matter is, popularity doesn't matter in the long run. What does matter is that you are a genuine person with a shining personality. While the book is sure to have some great tips to help you feel more comfortable breaking the ice, focus on being the best you that you can be. If you do that, then the right friends will come around in no time. Wouldn't you rather be popular for showing the wonderful person that you are, than for trying to fit the stereotype? Just something to think about.

In regards to your second question, don't be afraid. You know what your friend is doing is wrong. Try to think about it from the perspective of the people that he is making fun of. I'm sure it hurts them. Are you really okay with letting that happen? Maybe you could confront your friend about this, and let him know that making fun of people doesn't make them any cooler. I hate to say this, but if he makes fun of you for it, maybe he wasn't a real friend to begin with.

[_sunsets64.]

^^true. you should definitely talk to your friend and tell him that you're uncomfortable with the way that he makes fun of you, and others if that bothers you as well. i'm sure he'll be understanding, if he is a real friend. i found this quote by dr. seuss that might help:
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind, don't matter and those who matter, don't mind."

[Brillyx]

Thank you for the good advice, today I actually went along with the joke and believe it or not it worked. Humans are funny creatures aren't they?

[_sunsets64.]

you're welcome, and yay im glad! hahah yes we are.