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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Invision Offline
The Random Axe of Kindness
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Name: James
Age: 26
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Location: Pittsburgh-esque.

Posts: 19
Join Date: December 9th 2011

Another third-world problem by your local zombie. (Long/actually serious. I'm surprised I kept up the zombie thing.). - December 11th 2011, 01:59 AM

I know, I know, sometimes these things can get annoying, and you just want to tell people 'there are people in America who don't even HAVE brains to eat!', and they're re-dying much faster than they should be because of a lack of brainmatter. This makes sense and it is a valid claim, but today I have a problem that remains third-world for us zombies: People are stereotyping dickfaces.

(...See, Africa has a huge overpopulation problem which the United States does not. So I figure that it would be better for zombies than the US. A nifty coin flipped on its side. Therefore, obviously third world > first world, right? The first world has less people!).

Anyway, so I'm 17.5 and in tenth grade. My school only has grades 9-10 in it because there are 3,000 people in the highschool system and they found it easier to build an extra school rather than add twice the size onto the existing building. So there's the intermediate high (9-10) and senior high (11-12). I failed ninth and tenth grades because of depression and I only passed ninth grade because it was all online and I essentially cheated through the entire thing.

I switched to a real-life school in January 2011, after being homeschooled or cyberschooled from grades 1-10.5, so obviously there was an extreme difference.

I was hospitalized in May this year because of my severe depression and because of how much worse it was then than it is now, I didn't really have any friends. So this year, I decided I wasn't going to be in the same situation again where I only talked to these complete jerks because they were the only people I knew: I was going to go out and find friends.

And I did. I have a group of friends which I assembled, and a few friends off from that group as well. Because I'm awesome/people like me if they're not condescending jerks who just dismiss me right out because I'm not part of their clique.

The problem here is that, well. ... I can't hang out with any of my friends outside of school. Why? Simple: I'm seventeen and they're fourteen or fifteen.

My best friend is female. Naturally, her parents decided that I must be some kind of predator who specifically targeted her on the second day of school while she wasn't sitting with anyone in the lunchroom. (Yeah, I totally stalked a girl and managed to discover that she was just surrounded by people and not friends with them, not surrounded by people and talking to them or whatever.).

So then because I'm flamboyant and my friend talks about me to her parents on occasion, her dad thinks I'm gay. So I'm no longer a predator. Oh, score. They still won't let me see my best friend outside of school because I'm a bad influence because I'm seventeen. They've never met me, they just seem to have decided this by themselves.

Note: I do not have any sort of attraction towards my best friend romantically or sexually. We're friends with nothing extra and I don't plan on there to ever be extra.

Anyway. So I was talking to her on the phone about normal James-conversational topic things. (How to properly deal with finding a gun in someone's backpack in order to prevent a school shooting. And how I should show up at her house one day having my skin painted in a rainbow pattern with a lisp, being all like "MR, MY BEST FRIEND HAS TOLD ME SO MUCH ABOUT YOU! LIKE, OMG." in a very 'gay' way. And I think I gave a scenario where I was biromantic but homosexual, so I had a crush on her but wanted to have sex with her boyfriend because he looks a little like me and that's as close as I could get to having sex with myself.).

When I got off the phone, my mom went on a bit of a mini-rant about how I'm 'too weird' and that I don't really have very good social skills like I think I do, and if she was my best friend's mother she wouldn't let her associate with me because I'm 'too weird'.

That's literally all she said, but it kind of pisses me off. I mean, honestly? I haven't been hitting on my friend, or telling her to do drugs (I'm a hardcore Christian, for Zeus's sake!), or trying to eat her brain or anything. I've just been acting towards her like I would any other friend.

I mean, I did talk to her about having sex with her boyfriend in a weird hypothetical scenario where I'm gay, but I'm pretty sure a 14-going-on-15 year old girl knows enough about sex for this to be appropriate in a one-on-one conversation. It's not like it was graphic, it was ... pretty much just what's in my parentheses.

What is so strange about me? Why does my age have to make people think that I'm some fucking freak or predator or something? Why doesn't it matter who I am or what my actions say? Why do people have to fucking judge me JUST because I'm 17 and in tenth grade and talking to a fourteen year old?

I mean, seriously. Who else am I supposed to be talking to in a school where the normal max age is fifteen (which my friend is turning in February)? It's not like I specifically targeted her age group. And even then, it'd be a bit odd but not really creepy if I were a senior like I should be.

Urgh, this really pisses me off and makes me feel helpless because this is really the only person I want to hang out with outside of school - not that I really have anyone else whose parents will let fraternize with me anyway.

She's my best friend because all of my other friends have left my life somehow. One of my ex-best-friends I had this huge connection to that is just indescribable, it was just... close. Like she knew me better than I think anyone else did, in a lot of ways. But she did this constant guilt-trip with me for many years.

"Man up, James. You are the reason for the psychological demise of a human being. Your own imbecilic, careless actions, and not a chemical imbalance. You've done something despicable, and you are a disgrace of a child of God. You need to own up to your actions, and get out of your own head and start treating others with the care and consideration they're due. So for once, you need to humble yourself, repent to your savior for the sins he had to die for, and try giving two tangible shits for the person whose life you desolated. Open your eyes, James. You need to change."

-The ex-best friend who I really, really had a connection with. She put me on a two-year guilt trip which fucking sucked and just... urgh.

Then there's one of my other best friends, who stopped talking to me because of things my ex-best-friend-who-guilt-tripped-me said. Without even talking to me about what she said, just assuming that I'd deny all of my ex-best-friend's allegations. Oh, and the best part is that she blamed me for her depression worsening and said that I was an unhealthy person to be around based on ... I'm not quite sure.

And then there's ex-friend#3, who I had been friends with for four years. Close friends, although online. Rather close, I'd think. She told me that she had a voice in her head telling her to hurt or kill herself, and told me that this voice would not let her tell anyone else about it (except me, because I was online and couldn't do anything). I found her mom on facebook and told her and now she refuses to communicate with me at all because I broke her trust. I knew it was going to destroy our relationship, but... what was I supposed to do? She wasn't in control of her actions and it was the only real option available.

And then we have ex-friend#4, who just dropped off the internet. He started snorting cocaine, which I think he stopped, but now he's a drug dealer (he sells weed) and still never comes online or talks to me. He's off his bipolar meds but at the best point in his life ever somehow.

And now all I have for friends are these fucking fourteen year olds in my school, only one of which I have anything CLOSE to friendship with. And we have this connection my friend thinks is pretty deep, but to me it's shallow and almost nothing compared to my old relationships which had taken years to create and solidify, and I can't really confide in her or talk to her because she's fourteen and wouldn't understand and wouldn't be able to take it. I can't respect her as an equal because of her age and lack of maturity - we can't even be close friends. Just friends. Great.

And I feel so. Fucking. Alone. My family won't listen to me if I talk about depression - my mom just tells me to talk to my therapist(s). My dad doesn't listen. The rest of them just think I'm some lazy, emo jerk. Fellow students would just get freaked out and think I'm crazy (hell, maybe I am), and it's just... Ugh. And my therapists don't even really listen, they just make me feel judged. (I'm in family-based therapy, I have two therapists who I see 2-3 times a week.).

And my depression is getting worse, and I don't know who I can talk to because nobody will LISTEN and the ones who will won't understand or be able to really respond to what I say.

I'm tired of talking to a friend online and having the response just be "I'm sorry :/" or "*hug*" or something like that. I'm tired of not being able to talk to anyone. I'm tired of not being able to talk to my own family who I live with. I'm tired of not having friends and I'm tired of the friends I have being abusive on an emotional level. I'm tired of my friends in school being these fucking immature KIDS, but of course they're immature - they're fifteen! There's a huge different between fifteen and seventeen, much less fifteen and eighteen (which I am turning in March).

Eating their brains won't work, talking to them won't work, and I don't feel like I should be making very many new friends either because it's unfair to make connections with other people and have them need to deal with my shit. I mean, there's been FOUR YEARS of this depression being this severe, and I don't know if it's ever going to end, and I'm this emotional wreck who can't even hold a real conversation online for more than two seconds, and I'm always mentally exhausted and my grades suck and no one really understands and my parents have no real money right now even though my dad's a lawyer because we're severely in debt I can't even fucking drink soda anymore because my mom is cutting me off from lunch money because she knows I just use it to buy soda from the vending machine at school at the end of the day, which I do because I need to fucking feel SOMETHING POSITIVE but we don't have the fucking money for it, and I'm tired of being so depressed and being unable to even get a fucking job so I can buy my own fucking soda because my parents shouldn't have to pay for something just so I can deal with all of the CRAP that is my LIFE.

Just... Fuck.

I feel like such an attention whore posting this, too. Like, oooh, look at me everyone, I HAVE PROBLEMS. Whee! I am so different from everyone else and you should respond to ME because I'm so fucking SPECIAL and you should be talking to ME instead of OTHER PEOPLE who actually need the help and could actually use advice and aren't in hopeless situations.

Maybe my slowly stiffening zombie corpse will just shut down and join the rest of the dead on the African savannah. Then I won't have to deal with any of this highschool crap and I'll be able to eat all the brains I want in heaven.

(...ignore that, I don't actually intend to kill myself. Or move to Africa.).


You deserve love.
Now that we've got that done with, may I eat your brains?

Last edited by Invision; December 11th 2011 at 07:58 PM.
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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Invision Offline
The Random Axe of Kindness
Welcome me, I'm new!
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Name: James
Age: 26
Gender: Male
Location: Pittsburgh-esque.

Posts: 19
Join Date: December 9th 2011

Re: Another third-world problem by your local zombie. - December 12th 2011, 01:04 AM

Great, I guess I'll get no responses here just because I'm a zombie. Hmph.


You deserve love.
Now that we've got that done with, may I eat your brains?
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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
NevermindMe Offline
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Re: Another third-world problem by your local zombie. - December 12th 2011, 01:31 AM

Srsly bro? Bigots is the best term you could come up with due to the lack of imediate posts?

I found your post very disturbing. You obviously have a lot of anger and emotional problems, and you're obviously going through a very tough spot in life right now. I personally would recomend seeking further help, because honestly here you can't expect much more than "*hug*" because we have very few educated professionals, and even fewer equipped to deal with any and all problems that may arise.

Honestly at this point you need a therapist, do not think this somehow makes you "crazy", because it won't. However right now you seem to be a very troubled individual who could benifit from psychatric help.

- Justin

"Buy it, use it, break it, fix it,
Trash it, change it, mail, upgrade it,
Charge it, point it, zoom it, press it,
Snap it, work it, quick, erase it,
Write it, cut it, paste it, save it,
Load it, check it, quick, rewrite it"
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
Solivagant Offline
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Re: Another third-world problem by your local zombie. - December 13th 2011, 10:54 AM

Hey James,

While reading your post, one thing that came to my mind was, WOw this person can express what he feels really well without any hesitation. I wish I could do that! That would like solve half of my problems instantly. Its like while reading your post I could actually make out your facial expressions and all. And that is like amazing! I don't know a single person who is able to express him/her self that well!
And your sense of humour and your liveliness, despite being so depressed its like truly amazing!
Have you ever tried your hand at writing? You'd do an amazing job!

If you need to eat any brains, or want someone to listen, PM/VM me anytime. I promise I'll eat your brains more than you can eat mine!

"Words are, in my not so humble opinion, our most inexhaustible source of magic, capable of both inflicting injury and remedying it."

-Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

Last edited by Solivagant; December 13th 2011 at 11:03 AM.
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