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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Aintzane411 Offline
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Emotionally abusive father? - December 25th 2011, 07:20 AM

So, for over a year I've started to have severe issues with my father. My mom, step-dad, and I all realize that he is a very negative influence on my life and for about 8 months now (I think) I have limited the visitation hours with my dad. I used to live at his house for half of the week, and now I rarely see him.

The problem is, however, that even though I'm trying to distance myself from him, he continues to send somewhat hurtful things to me on facebook. I'm sure that in his eyes, they're just reminders that he's thinking of me, but, for example, he posted a song that we used to consider "our song" when I was little, and it was also the song that we danced to at my quinceanera. Half of my facebook wall is filled with these postings from him.

In addition, he private messages me as well. Just today, he sent this:
I'm thinking I probably will not see you for christmass, or new years. Maby Not for the rest of my life. It is very clear you dont want me in your life. I know you have been brainwashed into thinking that I am a bad person. If the program in which I was interviewd on had anything to do with, anything, than know this , I only told the truth. Abusive people like your mother have always got to be in control of everything. Even when those couples divorce. I have only been the "victom". There, I said it.
Your mother still wants to control me by not allowing a healthy relationship between you and I. That is a fact. The proof.........you choose not to see me anymore. You will not understand this until you do your own homework on abused spouses. Educate yourself a bit. My conscience is clear, I never did anything to you but love you in a healthy manner. When you grow up and gain a bit more of life expeirance, these facts will hit you like a stone.
I love you and alway will. You have no idea how much I mis you and how saden I am about you being mis-guided.
As always, I leave my door open in hopes one day you will return.
I love you like you will never know.

I don't know what to do anymore. Part of me wants to completely cut him out of my life, but I don't think I could do that because I am honestly afraid that he would kill himself. He had another daughter before me and her and her mother got restraining orders against him and he still has a hard time dealing with it. I don't want to put him through that pain again.

On the other hand, I'm almost afraid to try and establish a relationship with him again. He was never physically abusive to me, but instead was more on the emotional and mental abuse side. I always feel a little guilty when I complain because it feels like he didn't do much to me, when in reality I know that he probably did.

I don't know, I guess I just want some opinions on the topic. Like I said, my mom and step-dad are fully aware of what's going on, but it'd be nice to have a couple other people's thoughts. Thanks for reading.
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Re: Emotionally abusive father? - December 25th 2011, 03:44 PM

I don't have a whole lot of personal experience, with me it is my dad who cut contact. But one thing I have heard is if contact with somebody makes you feel sick and hurt and angry in a way that is not just about one argument or situation, that is something to listen to.

I think on FB you can filter people so you don't see their updates, maybe that is a middle ground
   
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Re: Emotionally abusive father? - December 28th 2011, 05:47 AM

I don't completely understand what you are going through, but four years ago my dad got married after not even 6 months together to someone who has a daughter whom is 3 years older than me. I was 11 when they got married and me and her daughter have got along for our parents' sake but behind doors doesn't like each other. but anyways, since they married i've been back and forth living with my mom and him, when finally i couldn't take it anymore. pretty much my own father, the only person who had ever really been there for me had chosen his wife and step daughter over his own flesh and blood. he does more for them rather than me, he says it's because i never come down, but when i do it's like i never exist. he says smart remarks about my weight, but i honestly don't think i'm what you'd considered fat, being 5'8 and 170 lbs. then again it could be because that his step daughter is only 130 and 5'5 if that. he actually treats her better than me. and i have a half sister, who just turned 7 that he had no contact with from the time she was not even a year old until she was three, and the only reason he got custody was so he wouldn't have to pay child support.
   
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Re: Emotionally abusive father? - December 28th 2011, 08:13 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Aintzane411 View Post
The problem is, however, that even though I'm trying to distance myself from him, he continues to send somewhat hurtful things to me on facebook. I'm sure that in his eyes, they're just reminders that he's thinking of me, but, for example, he posted a song that we used to consider "our song" when I was little, and it was also the song that we danced to at my quinceanera. Half of my facebook wall is filled with these postings from him.
There must be some context that's missing because I don't see how this is intentionally hurtful on his part. Perhaps it's a reminder that you two got along well a while ago and you feel hurt because you no longer have the same relationship, but that's not intentionally hurtful.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Aintzane411 View Post
I'm thinking I probably will not see you for christmass, or new years. Maby Not for the rest of my life. It is very clear you dont want me in your life. I know you have been brainwashed into thinking that I am a bad person. If the program in which I was interviewd on had anything to do with, anything, than know this , I only told the truth.
Was this a televised interview or something different? It's not relevant to helping you, I'm merely curious.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Aintzane411 View Post
Abusive people like your mother have always got to be in control of everything. Even when those couples divorce. I have only been the "victom". There, I said it.
Your mother still wants to control me by not allowing a healthy relationship between you and I. That is a fact. The proof.........you choose not to see me anymore. You will not understand this until you do your own homework on abused spouses. Educate yourself a bit. My conscience is clear, I never did anything to you but love you in a healthy manner. When you grow up and gain a bit more of life expeirance, these facts will hit you like a stone.
I love you and alway will. You have no idea how much I mis you and how saden I am about you being mis-guided.
As always, I leave my door open in hopes one day you will return.
I love you like you will never know.
These seem to be words from someone who is frustrated and beat down, yet still has determination to mend the relationship. His message also echoes with the fact he probably is quite controlling. If this was one of the things you meant was hurtful, then you're delusional. The way I see it, you can continue to talk to him over Facebook even if you no longer see him in-person, that way you can keep your mind at ease he is less likely to kill himself and your mother and step-father can monitor the situation. Since he lost custody of his other daughter, then obviously he is doing something hurtful or neglectful.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Aintzane411 View Post
I always feel a little guilty when I complain because it feels like he didn't do much to me, when in reality I know that he probably did.
I'm confused by this, why do you think he did more damage to you than you initially believe?


I can rip you off, and steal all your cash, suckerpunch you in the face, stand back and laugh. Leave you stranded as fast as a heart-attack.
- Danko Jones (I Think Bad Thoughts)
   
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